TKID4 makes some interesting points about France. But I would like to point out that the nation of France stabbed the U.S. in the back with les sabres back in 03' when they decided to withdraw support for our armed struggle for democracy in Iraq. Not many spoke out against the French at the time, but I found that two brave U.S. Congressmen took up the standard of freedom and denounced the French huns.
They hit the French where it hurt the most. Food naming.
Rep. Bob Ney, R-Ohio and Walter Jones, R-North Carolina circulated a letter amongst Capitol Hill colleagues asking Congressional Cafeterias to change the names for "french toast" to "freedom toast" and "french fries" to "freedom fries."
"This action today is a small, but symbolic effort to show the strong displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of our so-called ally, France," said Rep. Ney. Coincidentally, Ney is the great-grand nephew of Marshall Ney, head of the French cavalry and one of Napoleon's Generals at Waterloo. Napoleon conferred the title of Le Brave des Braves' (The Bravest of the Brave) upon him. During the battle, he twice led the attack on the British centre, first at the head of the cavalry and then with the Old Guard, and he only retired from the field at nightfall, after five horses had been killed under him.
Representative Ney likewise led a valiant charge to edit the Rayburn Office Building cafeteria to replace the word "french bread" with "liberty loaf."
France had pressed the United Nations to give weapons inspectors more time in Iraq, saying the U.S. and British-led move to war wars premature.
Ha, that shows what the Frenchies knew. I guess they had egg on their faces when our troops discovered Saddam had amassed the world's largest stockpile of girl-on-girl videos and Liquid Viagra.
I bet TKID4 can't name one thing France has done to help the U.S., besides their support of the American colonies in their bid for independence, their financial support for our fledging country including acquiescence to the Louisiana Purchase, and their steadfast 200 year military alliance with us.
Jan 31, 2005
French cowardice
TKID4 was reflecting on what might lead an entire country to be labeled cowardly. Sure, everyone knows the French are afraid of their own shadows, but HOW exactly did we figure this out? Though TKID4 did rather poorly in his long-past academic studies of mathematics, he prefers to answer questions numerically. While we all agree that the French bravely turn their pansy arses and flee at the first sign of trouble, this may be the first published attempt to prove their innate cowardice.
TKID4 thought battle deaths might be a good place to start.
In the 20th Century, the total number of in-theater battle deaths suffered by the U.S.A was about 650,000. Approximately 290,000 American soldiers died in WWII alone.
Now to the French. In World War I, France sustained 1.4 million battle deaths. And since the two largest wars of all time were fought with massive fronts on French soil, the country also suffered huge numbers of civilian casualties.
Unfortunately, these figures do not seem to support TKID4's theory. With a current population of 60 million in France, there are about five Americans to every Frenchie. This proportion was somewhat smaller during much of the 20th Century, so let's estimate a one Frenchie = four Amuricans ratio for these purposes. This means that France lost approximately 8.6 times more soldiers in a single war than the U.S. lost in an entire century. TKID4 has also learned that French casualties in the first battle of the Somme, which lasted only a couple months, were about 195,000.
Now, this does not mean the French are brave. On the contrary, they are clearly sissies. Furthermore, TKID4 has bravely brought this information to light despite the fact that it severely undermines his argument. (No media bias here!) He would also like everyone to remember just how tuff Dubya looked while sauntering in that flight suit.
TKID4 thought battle deaths might be a good place to start.
In the 20th Century, the total number of in-theater battle deaths suffered by the U.S.A was about 650,000. Approximately 290,000 American soldiers died in WWII alone.
Now to the French. In World War I, France sustained 1.4 million battle deaths. And since the two largest wars of all time were fought with massive fronts on French soil, the country also suffered huge numbers of civilian casualties.
Unfortunately, these figures do not seem to support TKID4's theory. With a current population of 60 million in France, there are about five Americans to every Frenchie. This proportion was somewhat smaller during much of the 20th Century, so let's estimate a one Frenchie = four Amuricans ratio for these purposes. This means that France lost approximately 8.6 times more soldiers in a single war than the U.S. lost in an entire century. TKID4 has also learned that French casualties in the first battle of the Somme, which lasted only a couple months, were about 195,000.
Now, this does not mean the French are brave. On the contrary, they are clearly sissies. Furthermore, TKID4 has bravely brought this information to light despite the fact that it severely undermines his argument. (No media bias here!) He would also like everyone to remember just how tuff Dubya looked while sauntering in that flight suit.
freedom on the march
In a large survey of high school students, 36 percent of respondents said the media should get "government approval" of news articles prior to publication. One-third of the surveyed brats, between games of "Grand Theft Auto" and grabbing meaty fistfuls of french fries, say the U.S. media has "too much" freedom. http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/life/20050131/bl_bottomstrip31.art0.htm
Though it's encouraging to see that this youthful generation of Americans includes so many free thinkers, the editors of tkid's blog want all of its readers to know that U.S. government approval need never apply to the postings on this web page. That's because this blog is fiscally supported and physically controlled by a multinational conglomerate based in a 26-storey glass skyscraper in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (that's a foreign country people). If you're ever in the Lump', come check us out, we'll serve you a Tsingtao and some goat's eye soup.
Though it's encouraging to see that this youthful generation of Americans includes so many free thinkers, the editors of tkid's blog want all of its readers to know that U.S. government approval need never apply to the postings on this web page. That's because this blog is fiscally supported and physically controlled by a multinational conglomerate based in a 26-storey glass skyscraper in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (that's a foreign country people). If you're ever in the Lump', come check us out, we'll serve you a Tsingtao and some goat's eye soup.
Jan 28, 2005
World's Lamest Counterpoint
Enough with the Cheney bashing. We all saw the photo. The parka, the boots, the embroidery. But what you are missing is the fact that it was fargin cold in Poland today. Can you imagine sitting through that ceremony in the cold with Chirac wheezing to your left and Lynne grinding her teeth to the right? We should pin a medal to that parka, next to the U.S.A.F. insignia patch.
Former Sen. Alan Simpson, R-Wyo., voiced support for a visibly undisturbed Cheney, saying, "When they throw him in the hole, they'll have a big `L' on his gravestone for loyalty."
Simpson also recalled calling Cheney during the heat of the Presidential campaign to check in on him.
"How you doing, pal?" Simpson asked Cheney.
"Same old crap, Al," Cheney replied.
Truly, words that should inspire us all.
Former Sen. Alan Simpson, R-Wyo., voiced support for a visibly undisturbed Cheney, saying, "When they throw him in the hole, they'll have a big `L' on his gravestone for loyalty."
Simpson also recalled calling Cheney during the heat of the Presidential campaign to check in on him.
"How you doing, pal?" Simpson asked Cheney.
"Same old crap, Al," Cheney replied.
Truly, words that should inspire us all.
snowball fight at auschwitz
Today's Washington Post reports that VP Dick Cheney sported uniquely casual duds for a ceremony marking the 60th anniversary of the Holocaust. The Dickster showed up at the event, which was held at the site of the Auschwitz death camp in Poland, wearing a fluffy-collared green parka that was emblazoned with his name. "It reminded one of the way in which children's clothes are inscribed before they are sent to camp," the Post writes. Cheney also wore a knit ski cap (which featured the mysterious inscription "Staff 2001"), big brown hiking boots and gloves -- making him stand out in stark contrast to the black overcoats and dignified fedoras worn by other world leaders, not to mention Cheney's own honorable look at the inaugural extravaganza just last week.
Cheney's playful get-up was no big deal, obviously, and the bogus "uproar" over it is but further evidence of the vast Left Wing media conspiracy. Sure, he may have crossed the line a bit when he threw the snowball at the Frenchie President, Jacques "Costeau" Chirac, or when he licked the gate to the death camp. Gleefully making snow angels during the ceremony was a mistake, clearly. And he probably shouldn't have yelled at his wife, Lynne, when she handed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that, due to her negligence, had not yet had the crusts removed. But seriously, aren't we over-reacting here? Cheney's the number two swinging Dick in the world, those Euros should count their lucky stars that he showed at all.
Cheney's playful get-up was no big deal, obviously, and the bogus "uproar" over it is but further evidence of the vast Left Wing media conspiracy. Sure, he may have crossed the line a bit when he threw the snowball at the Frenchie President, Jacques "Costeau" Chirac, or when he licked the gate to the death camp. Gleefully making snow angels during the ceremony was a mistake, clearly. And he probably shouldn't have yelled at his wife, Lynne, when she handed him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that, due to her negligence, had not yet had the crusts removed. But seriously, aren't we over-reacting here? Cheney's the number two swinging Dick in the world, those Euros should count their lucky stars that he showed at all.
Jan 27, 2005
Those Steamy Cuban Nights
According to an insider at the U.S. Prison Camp in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, female interrogators were utilized to break Muslim detainees through a combination of sexual touching and wearing miniskirts and thong underwear. These types of physical and psychological interrogation tactics were used to pry sensitive information from prisoners suspected of engaging in terrorist activities.
The revelations came from an Arabic translator who worked at the U.S. camp in eastern Cuba from December 2002 to June 2003.
"I have really struggled with this because the detainees, their families and much of the world will think this is a religious war based on some of the techniques used, even though it is not the case," said the former Colonel Nathan R. Jessup. "I wish we had just performed a code red and moved on," he added.
He described how one female civilian contractor "used a special outfit that included a miniskirt, thong underwear and a bra during late-night interrogations with prisoners." In another case, a female interrogator wanted to "break" a prisoner, and "removed her uniform top to expose a tight-fitting T-shirt and began taunting the detainee, touching her breasts, rubbing them against the prisoner's back and commenting on his apparent erection."
TKID2 NOTE TO SELF: PURCHASE PLANE TICKET TO GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA ALONG WITH ORANGE JUMP SUIT.
The revelations came from an Arabic translator who worked at the U.S. camp in eastern Cuba from December 2002 to June 2003.
"I have really struggled with this because the detainees, their families and much of the world will think this is a religious war based on some of the techniques used, even though it is not the case," said the former Colonel Nathan R. Jessup. "I wish we had just performed a code red and moved on," he added.
He described how one female civilian contractor "used a special outfit that included a miniskirt, thong underwear and a bra during late-night interrogations with prisoners." In another case, a female interrogator wanted to "break" a prisoner, and "removed her uniform top to expose a tight-fitting T-shirt and began taunting the detainee, touching her breasts, rubbing them against the prisoner's back and commenting on his apparent erection."
TKID2 NOTE TO SELF: PURCHASE PLANE TICKET TO GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA ALONG WITH ORANGE JUMP SUIT.
Jan 26, 2005
gay alert: crisis in education
The nation's new education secretary, Margaret Spellings, who is in her third day on the job, attacked PBS for airing a cartoon that depicts a fuzzy, wuzzy bunny encountering some lesbians (that's gay ladies, for you fellow red staters) whilst traipsing through bucolic Vermont. PBS, which receives money from the feds, pulled the episode, called "Postcards from Buster." Spellings wrote that "Congress and the Department's purpose in funding this programming certainly was not to introduce this kind of subject matter to children."
TKID5 thinks it's high time the Bush administration took a stand on gays; we were beginning to wonder if Bush was a tad light in the loafers the way he's letting the gays run things around here. TKID5 knows he speaks for the other Kids when he says he hopes Spellings and the rest of the schoolin' bureaucrats crack down on other cartoons, particularly those with ambiguously gay characters, such as Smithers on "The Simpsons" and Tom and Jerry of the clasic cat-chases-mouse-capers. Now, we know that some people say Margaret Spellings doth protest too much, if you know what I mean (that's a man, man), but we're glad she's on the case. Americans should be taking their family values from wholesome ladies, like the Bush twins and Jessica Simpson, not lesbian cartoon hussies.
The AP story: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=542&ncid=542&e=4&u=/ap/20050126/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/education_secretary_pbs
TKID5 thinks it's high time the Bush administration took a stand on gays; we were beginning to wonder if Bush was a tad light in the loafers the way he's letting the gays run things around here. TKID5 knows he speaks for the other Kids when he says he hopes Spellings and the rest of the schoolin' bureaucrats crack down on other cartoons, particularly those with ambiguously gay characters, such as Smithers on "The Simpsons" and Tom and Jerry of the clasic cat-chases-mouse-capers. Now, we know that some people say Margaret Spellings doth protest too much, if you know what I mean (that's a man, man), but we're glad she's on the case. Americans should be taking their family values from wholesome ladies, like the Bush twins and Jessica Simpson, not lesbian cartoon hussies.
The AP story: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=542&ncid=542&e=4&u=/ap/20050126/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/education_secretary_pbs
Jan 25, 2005
R.A.T.S.
I was inspired to google "the largest rat in the world" and was interested to see it is the African Gambian Pouch Rat. What is more interesting is that these beasts were introduced into Florida a few years back and are running wild in the Florida Keys, eating everything in sight.
A further search uncovered the following charming wanted-ad at http://www.hoobly.com/0/0/37281.html:
African Gambian Pouch Rat
I am looking to adopt a gambian pouch rat, Or any information on adopting one, also I am looking for a large cage.
That better be a large cage. Those guys get about 17 inches in length. There's an old saying in Key Largo, that when you hear thunder, that is God rubbing two Pouch Rats together.
For more info on these things, visit: http://www.allianceforamerica.org/bb/viewtopic.php?p=3036
I am not sure what the Alliance for America is about, but I know they are rabidly anti-African Gambian Pouch Rat.
A further search uncovered the following charming wanted-ad at http://www.hoobly.com/0/0/37281.html:
African Gambian Pouch Rat
I am looking to adopt a gambian pouch rat, Or any information on adopting one, also I am looking for a large cage.
That better be a large cage. Those guys get about 17 inches in length. There's an old saying in Key Largo, that when you hear thunder, that is God rubbing two Pouch Rats together.
For more info on these things, visit: http://www.allianceforamerica.org/bb/viewtopic.php?p=3036
I am not sure what the Alliance for America is about, but I know they are rabidly anti-African Gambian Pouch Rat.
Vagrant Underground Arsonist 1, NYC Subway System, 0
A "vagrant" set a shopping cart full of wood blocks ablaze at the Chambers Street subway station in NYC on Sunday. The result was a fire which severely damaged the "C line" and put it out of commission indefinitely.
The fire was started in an un-staffed room which contained over 600 relay circuits used to power signals and switches in the underground darkness.
The fire has shut down the C line which accommodates 110,000 daily riders.
Officials believe it could take between three and five years to fix relays and restore full service.
This Chambers Street blaze is worse than the 1999 fire at a control room at the Bergen Street station on the F and G lines in Brooklyn. (No TKID3, I am not making that up) That fire was allegedly started by a hobo’s clandestine rat hide tanning operation.
Cops are still searching for the Robin Hood of C.H.U.D. land who started the conflagration on the C line.
Editorial moment: And what is with the three to five year estimate of repair? We went from a V-2 to putting Armstrong on the moon in 10 years, but we can't install some circuits in a Brooklyn subway in less than five? I say we put TKID1 on the case. He can restore a classical organ in 2.5 years easy. And he's a natural born tunnel rat. Let's turn him loose with some pliers, 3-in-1 oil, gauze pads, and a flash light in his teeth. The vagrant-cong won't know what hit them.
The fire was started in an un-staffed room which contained over 600 relay circuits used to power signals and switches in the underground darkness.
The fire has shut down the C line which accommodates 110,000 daily riders.
Officials believe it could take between three and five years to fix relays and restore full service.
This Chambers Street blaze is worse than the 1999 fire at a control room at the Bergen Street station on the F and G lines in Brooklyn. (No TKID3, I am not making that up) That fire was allegedly started by a hobo’s clandestine rat hide tanning operation.
Cops are still searching for the Robin Hood of C.H.U.D. land who started the conflagration on the C line.
Editorial moment: And what is with the three to five year estimate of repair? We went from a V-2 to putting Armstrong on the moon in 10 years, but we can't install some circuits in a Brooklyn subway in less than five? I say we put TKID1 on the case. He can restore a classical organ in 2.5 years easy. And he's a natural born tunnel rat. Let's turn him loose with some pliers, 3-in-1 oil, gauze pads, and a flash light in his teeth. The vagrant-cong won't know what hit them.
Jan 24, 2005
Robocop
The Army is preparing to send 18 remote-controlled robotic warriors to fight in Iraq beginning in April.
Named SWORDS, short for Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection Systems, the robots will be the first multi-purpose robots employed in the desert since C3PO.
Military officials stated at the unveiling that these robots are much different from their human counterparts. "They don’t need to be trained, fed or clothed. They can be boxed up and warehoused between wars. They never complain. And there are no letters to write home if they meet their demise in battle," stated Staff Sgt. Charles Colson. Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld seconded the statement. "I'm sick of having my name automatically inscribed on generic condolence letters to human troops. Now the only ones I will have to write would be to the parents of HAL, Robocop or the Terminator."
Officials stressed that these robots were not "autonomous killer robots of science fiction" and only discharged weapons when its autonomous killer human operator presses a button after identifying a target on video shot by the robot’s cameras.
A unit of SWORDS were recently displayed at the headquarters of the cable news station CNBC. The robots can operate from 1 to 4 hours at a time, depending on the mission. However, the units are prone to overheating, as occurred at the demonstration. After several hours of display, one particular unit attempted to copulate with an office copier while screaming, "Error...error."
Named SWORDS, short for Special Weapons Observation Reconnaissance Detection Systems, the robots will be the first multi-purpose robots employed in the desert since C3PO.
Military officials stated at the unveiling that these robots are much different from their human counterparts. "They don’t need to be trained, fed or clothed. They can be boxed up and warehoused between wars. They never complain. And there are no letters to write home if they meet their demise in battle," stated Staff Sgt. Charles Colson. Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld seconded the statement. "I'm sick of having my name automatically inscribed on generic condolence letters to human troops. Now the only ones I will have to write would be to the parents of HAL, Robocop or the Terminator."
Officials stressed that these robots were not "autonomous killer robots of science fiction" and only discharged weapons when its autonomous killer human operator presses a button after identifying a target on video shot by the robot’s cameras.
A unit of SWORDS were recently displayed at the headquarters of the cable news station CNBC. The robots can operate from 1 to 4 hours at a time, depending on the mission. However, the units are prone to overheating, as occurred at the demonstration. After several hours of display, one particular unit attempted to copulate with an office copier while screaming, "Error...error."
Mission to Mars...and beyond
TKID2 is back on his Hubble rant. As reported earlier, the White House has decided to scrap the Hubble. The reason, NASA doesn't have room in its budget for the $1 billion repair mission price tag, due to its other agenda items, including a program designed to land a man on Mars.
Really, who gives a s%^& about Mars? I think we all saw Total Recall. There's nothing there. I think Bush is hoping we can land a man up there who can snap some pics of that broad with three teats. And did you see what happened when Arnold S. took off his helmet? His face exploded. I also saw Mission to Mars, Red Planet, Ghosts of Mars, When Mars Attacks, Women are From Venus, Men are from Mars, etc. and it always ended bad for everyone involved. It is ludicrous for Bush to say a Hubble rescue mission is dangerous, but sending a crew of astronauts to Mars to search for fossils, only to be murdered by a possessed robot with a sassy attitude is acceptable.
I wouldn't volunteer for a Mission to Mars, despite the danger. It would take months if not years to get there. And when you are there, its like you landed in Death Valley. Same thing with the moon.
Bush is also talking all this smack about going "beyond Mars." Yet he refuses to provide funding for subatomic particle research critical to developing the propulsion systems for space travel. I visited the Fermi National Laboratory several months ago to view its particle accelerators. That place was a rat hole. I've seen better accomodations at a Daytona Beach motor lodge during bike week.
And to rub salt in our collective wounds, Bushie has just announced that he will seek about $80 billion in new funding for military operations this year in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apparently we need the money to hire Hessians to fight our battles, now that the supply of 50 yr old Wisconsin National Guardsmen has dried up.
As for Hubble vs. killing some more Iraqis, I for one would prefer to see photos of the Big Bang rather than an Iraqi Prison gang bang.
Post script: The real reason Bush is cutting funding for Hubble is because it is getting close to discovering something his mind can not comprehend. Life beyond earth. His Texan-centric Conservative Christian ethos would come crumbling down if Hubble or the SETI project or some other instrument of pure human curiosity detected messages from beyond our solar system.
Really, who gives a s%^& about Mars? I think we all saw Total Recall. There's nothing there. I think Bush is hoping we can land a man up there who can snap some pics of that broad with three teats. And did you see what happened when Arnold S. took off his helmet? His face exploded. I also saw Mission to Mars, Red Planet, Ghosts of Mars, When Mars Attacks, Women are From Venus, Men are from Mars, etc. and it always ended bad for everyone involved. It is ludicrous for Bush to say a Hubble rescue mission is dangerous, but sending a crew of astronauts to Mars to search for fossils, only to be murdered by a possessed robot with a sassy attitude is acceptable.
I wouldn't volunteer for a Mission to Mars, despite the danger. It would take months if not years to get there. And when you are there, its like you landed in Death Valley. Same thing with the moon.
Bush is also talking all this smack about going "beyond Mars." Yet he refuses to provide funding for subatomic particle research critical to developing the propulsion systems for space travel. I visited the Fermi National Laboratory several months ago to view its particle accelerators. That place was a rat hole. I've seen better accomodations at a Daytona Beach motor lodge during bike week.
And to rub salt in our collective wounds, Bushie has just announced that he will seek about $80 billion in new funding for military operations this year in Iraq and Afghanistan. Apparently we need the money to hire Hessians to fight our battles, now that the supply of 50 yr old Wisconsin National Guardsmen has dried up.
As for Hubble vs. killing some more Iraqis, I for one would prefer to see photos of the Big Bang rather than an Iraqi Prison gang bang.
Post script: The real reason Bush is cutting funding for Hubble is because it is getting close to discovering something his mind can not comprehend. Life beyond earth. His Texan-centric Conservative Christian ethos would come crumbling down if Hubble or the SETI project or some other instrument of pure human curiosity detected messages from beyond our solar system.
It's the most de-press-ing-time....of the year
According to a U.K. psychologist, Jan. 24 is the “most depressing day of the year.”
The guy put together the following formula, generating a misery index which reaches its zenith on the 24th.
The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ / M x NA
Where (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.
Up to a third of the population in Britain suffers from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) also known as winter depression. :(.....
The guy put together the following formula, generating a misery index which reaches its zenith on the 24th.
The model is: [W + (D-d)] x TQ / M x NA
Where (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.
Up to a third of the population in Britain suffers from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) also known as winter depression. :(.....
Jan 23, 2005
The NBA court - where the s**t goes down
During a halftime performance at a recent NBA game between the Orlando Magic and Detroit Pistons, a seeing-eye dog dropped a load of dung on the court. The first person to spot the feces was Pistons star Rasheed Wallace, who stared in disbelief at the pile o' turds when he dribbled into the lane during warm-ups. http://www.azcentral.com/sports/cheapseats/articles/0119Dog-NBA-ON.html
The scuttlebutt around the NBA is that after the game, 'Sheed accused the Magic's mercurial Tracy McGrady of laying the dirt-snake, setting off a fracas resulting in 'Sheed breaking a fingernail. TKID1 is looking into the validity of this rumor.
The scuttlebutt around the NBA is that after the game, 'Sheed accused the Magic's mercurial Tracy McGrady of laying the dirt-snake, setting off a fracas resulting in 'Sheed breaking a fingernail. TKID1 is looking into the validity of this rumor.
Jan 21, 2005
Burst My Hubble
In a stroke of pure lunacy the White House has decided to eliminate funding for a future mission to service the Hubble Space Telescope from its 2006 budget request and in the alterative, has directed NASA to focus solely on deorbiting the telescope safely.
The only funding set aside for Hubble will be for a mission to "attach a propulsion module to Hubble needed to deorbit the spacecraft safely with a controlled re-entry into the Pacific Ocean."
Apparently, the $1 billion price tag could not be covered by NASA because of all the other projects on its plate, including efforts to resume flights of the giant rocket propelled toilet, otherwise known as the Space Shuttle.
NASA officials had concerns that a "rescue mission" to refurbish the Hubble would pose too many dangers to a Shuttle Crew. NASA director Andrew Penfield commented, "We don't take risks around here like we used to. This is the smart man's NASA and there's no room for space cowboys like Glenn and Sheppard, God rest their souls." Former Astronaut and U.S. Senator John Glenn responded, "Tell that dickhead that I'm not dead. Further, the only risk that desk jockey ever took was deciding which Senior NASA administrator to be a power bottom for."
The Hubble telescope offered arguably the most stunning hard scientific evidence ever of the origins of the universe. The volume of information it produced may never be understood. The data collected over its short life span dwarfs all that collected since Galileo first lifted his eyepiece to the heavens. Penfield downplayed the loss of this asset. "Hubble has served its limited purpose. Now its time to move on. We here at NASA are particularly excited about our next shuttle mission, where we plan on measuring the erections of Rhesus monkeys in a low gravity orbit to determine if monkeys truly can reproduce little space monkeys. Now that's a project that is truly shooting for the stars."
The only funding set aside for Hubble will be for a mission to "attach a propulsion module to Hubble needed to deorbit the spacecraft safely with a controlled re-entry into the Pacific Ocean."
Apparently, the $1 billion price tag could not be covered by NASA because of all the other projects on its plate, including efforts to resume flights of the giant rocket propelled toilet, otherwise known as the Space Shuttle.
NASA officials had concerns that a "rescue mission" to refurbish the Hubble would pose too many dangers to a Shuttle Crew. NASA director Andrew Penfield commented, "We don't take risks around here like we used to. This is the smart man's NASA and there's no room for space cowboys like Glenn and Sheppard, God rest their souls." Former Astronaut and U.S. Senator John Glenn responded, "Tell that dickhead that I'm not dead. Further, the only risk that desk jockey ever took was deciding which Senior NASA administrator to be a power bottom for."
The Hubble telescope offered arguably the most stunning hard scientific evidence ever of the origins of the universe. The volume of information it produced may never be understood. The data collected over its short life span dwarfs all that collected since Galileo first lifted his eyepiece to the heavens. Penfield downplayed the loss of this asset. "Hubble has served its limited purpose. Now its time to move on. We here at NASA are particularly excited about our next shuttle mission, where we plan on measuring the erections of Rhesus monkeys in a low gravity orbit to determine if monkeys truly can reproduce little space monkeys. Now that's a project that is truly shooting for the stars."
Matrimony Accomplished
I was at a wedding last weekend. I remember the biggest concern amongst the planners being that the maid of honor had been erroneously given two right-footed shoes. The wedding was postponed only 5 minutes however thanks to some quick action by a groomsman.
Iraqi wedding planners these days are struggling with similar logistics issues. For instance, earlier this evening in Baghdad, an ambulance packed with explosives drove into a wedding party and exploded, killing several people and wounding others.
Anatyla Muqtaha, the wedding planner, gave an interview from her hospital bed afterwards. "I kept saying, we need more anti-vehicle mines on the bride's side, but you know these people, they tried to do everything on the cheap. Even the groom's body armor was a Kevlar substitute," Muqtaha said. "That's when I noticed the flaming suicide ambulance coming towards us. I screamed outloud, 'who the hell ordered the flaming suicide ambulance without consulting me first' but before anyone could respond, it exploded," she added.
Iraqi wedding planners these days are struggling with similar logistics issues. For instance, earlier this evening in Baghdad, an ambulance packed with explosives drove into a wedding party and exploded, killing several people and wounding others.
Anatyla Muqtaha, the wedding planner, gave an interview from her hospital bed afterwards. "I kept saying, we need more anti-vehicle mines on the bride's side, but you know these people, they tried to do everything on the cheap. Even the groom's body armor was a Kevlar substitute," Muqtaha said. "That's when I noticed the flaming suicide ambulance coming towards us. I screamed outloud, 'who the hell ordered the flaming suicide ambulance without consulting me first' but before anyone could respond, it exploded," she added.
Jan 20, 2005
S&*%$s and Googles
IMPORTANT BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT
We have been listed on Google after only one month of operations. This is due in large part to the tireless efforts of David Lopan, CEO of the tkid's blog. Lopan has spent the better part of three weeks spamming google with faux-requests for the tkid blog from his mountain lair in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Google finally acquiesced to his requests, and check for $40,000 US.
Please feel free to visit google and enter "tkid" or "tkids blog."
TKID2
We have been listed on Google after only one month of operations. This is due in large part to the tireless efforts of David Lopan, CEO of the tkid's blog. Lopan has spent the better part of three weeks spamming google with faux-requests for the tkid blog from his mountain lair in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Google finally acquiesced to his requests, and check for $40,000 US.
Please feel free to visit google and enter "tkid" or "tkids blog."
TKID2
Iran makes it 3 for 3
Sorry to keep posting about that evil country Iran. But it just keeps grabbing headlines.
Vice President Dick Cheney said on Thursday "You look around the world at potential trouble spots, Iran is right at the top of the list."
That's actually good news for Iran, who has been downgraded in recent days from an axis of evil, to an outpost of tyranny and now only a potential trouble spot. Cheney continued, "We don't want a war in the Middle East, if we can avoid it." Seriously, he said that today.
Then Cheney issued a strange indirect threat to Iran.
"If, in fact, the Israelis became convinced the Iranians had significant nuclear capability, given the fact that Iran has a stated policy that their objective is the destruction of Israel, the Israelis might well decide to act first, and let the rest of the world worry about cleaning up the diplomatic mess afterwards," Cheney said.
Vice President Dick Cheney said on Thursday "You look around the world at potential trouble spots, Iran is right at the top of the list."
That's actually good news for Iran, who has been downgraded in recent days from an axis of evil, to an outpost of tyranny and now only a potential trouble spot. Cheney continued, "We don't want a war in the Middle East, if we can avoid it." Seriously, he said that today.
Then Cheney issued a strange indirect threat to Iran.
"If, in fact, the Israelis became convinced the Iranians had significant nuclear capability, given the fact that Iran has a stated policy that their objective is the destruction of Israel, the Israelis might well decide to act first, and let the rest of the world worry about cleaning up the diplomatic mess afterwards," Cheney said.
Jan 19, 2005
Bader Meinhack Gang
Computer hackers are spreading a nasty virus across the internet. The virus, named W32/VBSun-A, is a mass-mailing worm masquerading as a plea for donations to help with the tsunami disaster.
The email then takes over the target computers and launches a denial-of-service attack against a German hacker website.
Computer security experts said the attack could stem from a rivalry between hacker groups.
The virus arrives as an e-mail with the subject line "Tsunami Donation, Please Help!" and comes with an attachment, tsunami.exe, which launches the malicious software and triggers a miniature tsunami to swell within the toilets and bathtubs of the German hackers home or office.
So really, this "nasty virus" is more like a practical joke amongst German hackers, internationally renowned for their humor. If you fall within the 99.9997% of the global population who are not members of German hacker clubs, this really doesn't affect you that much. However, TKID2 lifetime member of the Dresden Stasi Hacker Gruppe "Kraut-hunds" Zwei, should be shaking at his keyboard right now.
The email then takes over the target computers and launches a denial-of-service attack against a German hacker website.
Computer security experts said the attack could stem from a rivalry between hacker groups.
The virus arrives as an e-mail with the subject line "Tsunami Donation, Please Help!" and comes with an attachment, tsunami.exe, which launches the malicious software and triggers a miniature tsunami to swell within the toilets and bathtubs of the German hackers home or office.
So really, this "nasty virus" is more like a practical joke amongst German hackers, internationally renowned for their humor. If you fall within the 99.9997% of the global population who are not members of German hacker clubs, this really doesn't affect you that much. However, TKID2 lifetime member of the Dresden Stasi Hacker Gruppe "Kraut-hunds" Zwei, should be shaking at his keyboard right now.
Jan 18, 2005
Lions and Tigers and Bears....
AP NEWS is reporting that Condoleezza Rice has named Cuba, Myanmar, Belarus and Zimbabwe as "outposts of tyranny" requiring the close attention of the United States.
You may remember that her boss GWB named Iraq, Iran and North Korea as members of the "axis of evil." White House officials rejected George's first suggestion for the triumvirate, "Bad Boyz Club."
Rice later testified before the U.S. Senate, "To be sure, in our world there remain outposts of tyranny and America stands with oppressed people on every continent ... in Cuba, and Burma (Myanmar), and North Korea, and Iran, and Belarus, and Zimbabwe."
Iran was particularly caught off guard by today's pronoucement. Imam Tel Aziz of the Iranian Parliament stated in response, "Is this a good thing? Have we been downgraded to an outpost now? I was thinking axis is big, outpost...smaller. And evil is pretty bad while tyranny is, so so." State Department spokesman Kip Willamson countered, "What Mr. Aziz fails to realize is that you can be members of both the outpost of tyranny club and the axis of evil. They are not mutually exclusive."
On that note, TKID3 wants to extend its congratulations to the nation of Iran on becoming the first nation to join the select tyranny/axis club since Oakland A's star Jose Canseco in 1988.
When pressed on what she meant by closer attention, Condi said, "I mean we will falsify intelligence data, lie to the U.S. public in order to garner a fraudulent mandate for invasion and then rape, pillage and plunder those nations mercilessly. I'm kidding....it just means we launch some cruise missiles at them and deny humanitarian aid."
The Iranian government is composed of Islamic Fundamentalist Mullahs held over from the Iranian Revolution of 1979 as well as a growing quasi-democratic movement. Rice told reporters after her confirmation hearing that U.S. cruise missiles can and will discriminate between the two groups.
The Anna Condi Tightens
Per MSNBC: Secretary of State nominee Condoleezza Rice today told a room full of U.S. Senators that a U.S. exit strategy from Iraq is "directly proportional" to Iraq's ability to defend itself against terrorists after this month's elections.
When asked to quantify that timetable, Rice responded "We'll be out by uh...2042 or thereabouts."
This answer prompted several hundred thousand Army, Navy and Air Force reservists to cancel their Panama City, FL time share rental reservations for the indefinite future.
(post script: We support our troops and their time share usage)
When asked to quantify that timetable, Rice responded "We'll be out by uh...2042 or thereabouts."
This answer prompted several hundred thousand Army, Navy and Air Force reservists to cancel their Panama City, FL time share rental reservations for the indefinite future.
(post script: We support our troops and their time share usage)
Happy B-Day TKIDS
January is a sacred month for the TKIDS. All three TKIDS share January as their birthday months. In particular, TKID1 and TKID3 were born on January 21 and 22 respectively.
January is named after Janus, the ancient Roman god of doorways. He possessed two faces so that he could watch both sides of an entrance at once. His name came to be associated with the first month of the year, and in Latin it was Januarius mensis "month of Janus".
TKID1 and TKID3 likewise share a common foundation but also have two distinct faces. These star crossed Aquariusessss often debate and argue their level of success and failure. However, the true portent of greatness resides, as the mystics believe, in the lives of other persons born on your birthdate. As such, the following comparison of notable personalities born on TKID1 and TKID3's birthdays reveals some startling clues as to the futures of the TKIDS.
TKID1: Born January 21.
1941 Placido Domingo (opera singer, great lover of women, Italian)
1940 Jack Nicklaus (greatest golfer of all time)
1939 Wolfman Jack (greatest radio entertainer disc jockey)
1927 Telly (Aristotle) Savalas (toughest Hollywood actor in history)
1925 Benny Hill (Greatest British comedian)
1905 Christian Dior (accomplished fashion designer)
1824 Stonewall (Thomas) Jackson (Civil War Confederate General)
As you can see, TKID1 was destined to be of the warrior ilk, competitive, strong willed, yet tempered with humor and grace. Let's review TKID3.
TKID3: Born January 22.
1960 Michael Hutchence (singer - INXS, committed suicide)
1959 Linda Blair (porn actress)
1949 Steve Perry (80's cheese rock singer)
1948 George Foreman (overweight boxer, grille salesman)
1935 Sam Cooke (singer, rapist, killed in shootout)
1934 Bill Bixby (actor, cancer victim)
1875 David (D.W. Griffith) (film producer and director, Ku Klux Klan member)
TKID1 is destined to become an overweight racist rapist and failing entertainer, dying after being shot with a cancer bullet.
Happy Birthday to the TKIDS!!!
January is named after Janus, the ancient Roman god of doorways. He possessed two faces so that he could watch both sides of an entrance at once. His name came to be associated with the first month of the year, and in Latin it was Januarius mensis "month of Janus".
TKID1 and TKID3 likewise share a common foundation but also have two distinct faces. These star crossed Aquariusessss often debate and argue their level of success and failure. However, the true portent of greatness resides, as the mystics believe, in the lives of other persons born on your birthdate. As such, the following comparison of notable personalities born on TKID1 and TKID3's birthdays reveals some startling clues as to the futures of the TKIDS.
TKID1: Born January 21.
1941 Placido Domingo (opera singer, great lover of women, Italian)
1940 Jack Nicklaus (greatest golfer of all time)
1939 Wolfman Jack (greatest radio entertainer disc jockey)
1927 Telly (Aristotle) Savalas (toughest Hollywood actor in history)
1925 Benny Hill (Greatest British comedian)
1905 Christian Dior (accomplished fashion designer)
1824 Stonewall (Thomas) Jackson (Civil War Confederate General)
As you can see, TKID1 was destined to be of the warrior ilk, competitive, strong willed, yet tempered with humor and grace. Let's review TKID3.
TKID3: Born January 22.
1960 Michael Hutchence (singer - INXS, committed suicide)
1959 Linda Blair (porn actress)
1949 Steve Perry (80's cheese rock singer)
1948 George Foreman (overweight boxer, grille salesman)
1935 Sam Cooke (singer, rapist, killed in shootout)
1934 Bill Bixby (actor, cancer victim)
1875 David (D.W. Griffith) (film producer and director, Ku Klux Klan member)
TKID1 is destined to become an overweight racist rapist and failing entertainer, dying after being shot with a cancer bullet.
Happy Birthday to the TKIDS!!!
Jan 17, 2005
Global Outreach
We are pleased to announce our first un-official collaboration with the world renowned Parisian rap artiste "Terribletkid170" whose exposition is currently running at Taxie Gallery - Espace Ombre et Lumière, 37, Rue des Acacias, 75017 Paris
(M) Ternes ou Argentine.
You may remember Terrible Tkid as one of our first contributors to this blog. That is until the United States banned all French-born internet traffic from entering the United States last year following passage of the Freedom Fries Act of 2004.
Please see Tkid's work at the following site: http://www.terribletkid170.com/expo.html
We wish him much success in his endeavors. BON CHANCE TKID!!!
(M) Ternes ou Argentine.
You may remember Terrible Tkid as one of our first contributors to this blog. That is until the United States banned all French-born internet traffic from entering the United States last year following passage of the Freedom Fries Act of 2004.
Please see Tkid's work at the following site: http://www.terribletkid170.com/expo.html
We wish him much success in his endeavors. BON CHANCE TKID!!!
Are you Syriassss??
So GWB has been a busy little beaver these past few months. According to Investigative reporter Seymour Hersh, who first revealed the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal in Iraq, US commando teams have recently penetrated eastern Iran, with the help of Pakistan and are conducting recon missions in preparation for airstrikes and commando raids vs. Iranian nuclear facilities.
I really thought we would go into Syria first. Actually, we have been conducting minor raids about 10 miles into the Syrian border with Iraq, but nothing too serious. That's because GWB forgot to include Syria in the "Axis of Evil." Rest assured, their time will come. I for one am excited to watch the Damascus A-Go-Go cruise missile strikes on CNN later this summer.
By the time 2005 is over, we may be conducting military operations in (and against) Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq and Syria. For 30 years the only drafts we have been concerned about are the ones where the selectees put on baseball caps and strut around a stage in ugly suits. There is a new draft coming. I'm hoping to be selected in the 700th round. Knowing my luck, I will be taken with the number one pick by the Eastern Conference Champions, the 3rd Armored Division.
BTW, is anyone else as excited as I am for the prospect of bombing nuclear reactors and storage facilities in Iran? Is that good for the environment? I am selling potassium iodine pills if anyone is interested.
I really thought we would go into Syria first. Actually, we have been conducting minor raids about 10 miles into the Syrian border with Iraq, but nothing too serious. That's because GWB forgot to include Syria in the "Axis of Evil." Rest assured, their time will come. I for one am excited to watch the Damascus A-Go-Go cruise missile strikes on CNN later this summer.
By the time 2005 is over, we may be conducting military operations in (and against) Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq and Syria. For 30 years the only drafts we have been concerned about are the ones where the selectees put on baseball caps and strut around a stage in ugly suits. There is a new draft coming. I'm hoping to be selected in the 700th round. Knowing my luck, I will be taken with the number one pick by the Eastern Conference Champions, the 3rd Armored Division.
BTW, is anyone else as excited as I am for the prospect of bombing nuclear reactors and storage facilities in Iran? Is that good for the environment? I am selling potassium iodine pills if anyone is interested.
Redneck Riviera
Tkid3 visited the heartland of the American Right this weekend, Tampa/St. Petersburg/Clearwater. I came back with a feeling you can only get when you are flipped off by a marine in an IROC-Z with Semper Fi on his bumper and a yellow and red/white/blue ribbon sticker that says "Support our Troops."
If you haven't heard, there is new book out called Ghost Wars about the CIA involvement in Afghanistan from 1979 to present. It is a good read, especially the part about how the U.S. shipped over several hundred Stinger Missiles and then lost track of them. We spent the last 15 years trying to buy them all back, and the budget for the buyback dwarves all U.S. gov. humanitarian aid for the region.
Speaking of dwarves (or is it dwarfes), I watched "Under The Rainbow" last week. That's the movie with a back pain pill addiction adled Chevy Chase and a heroin addiction adled Carrie Fisher chasing munchkins around pre-WWII Hollywood. Also look for a young Adam Arkin as the hotel manager. Also, several dwarves allegedly flashed their dwarf boners during filming. It's a MUST SEE!!!
If you haven't heard, there is new book out called Ghost Wars about the CIA involvement in Afghanistan from 1979 to present. It is a good read, especially the part about how the U.S. shipped over several hundred Stinger Missiles and then lost track of them. We spent the last 15 years trying to buy them all back, and the budget for the buyback dwarves all U.S. gov. humanitarian aid for the region.
Speaking of dwarves (or is it dwarfes), I watched "Under The Rainbow" last week. That's the movie with a back pain pill addiction adled Chevy Chase and a heroin addiction adled Carrie Fisher chasing munchkins around pre-WWII Hollywood. Also look for a young Adam Arkin as the hotel manager. Also, several dwarves allegedly flashed their dwarf boners during filming. It's a MUST SEE!!!
Jan 13, 2005
idiot box nightmare
Needless to say, TKID1 has already ordered his own TV-B-Gone, and will be secretly deep-sixing tubes all around this 'burg.
This is a must-read:
http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,65392,00.html
This is a must-read:
http://www.wired.com/news/culture/0,1284,65392,00.html
the big guy recruits in sumatra
The Washington Post reports that a Virginia-based missionary group is taking 300 orphans from Banda Aceh to Jakarta, where they will be raised in a Christian children's home. The group, which is run by a Jerry Falwell disciple, said on its website: "Normally, Banda Aceh is closed to foreigners and closed to the gospel. But, because of this catastrophe, our partners there are earning the right to be heard and providing entrance for the gospel." http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A5018-2005Jan12.html
What the W. Post fails to mention, however, is that at the age of 12, each tsunami kid adopted by the group will be put to the test and quizzed about their faith. If they fail to accept Hey-Zeus, they will be beaten with reeds. If, by the age of 13, they have yet to come to the Lord, they will be fed to lions in front of a stadium full of howling Javanese.
TKID1 wants to know how he can score one of the tsunami brats. He could use an assistant to polish his shoes, take out the garbage and help with his personal hygienic maintenance. Does anyone know of a website where you can have one of those kids shipped to the States? I've got a Ben Franklin, that's 100 large, ready for the purchase.
What the W. Post fails to mention, however, is that at the age of 12, each tsunami kid adopted by the group will be put to the test and quizzed about their faith. If they fail to accept Hey-Zeus, they will be beaten with reeds. If, by the age of 13, they have yet to come to the Lord, they will be fed to lions in front of a stadium full of howling Javanese.
TKID1 wants to know how he can score one of the tsunami brats. He could use an assistant to polish his shoes, take out the garbage and help with his personal hygienic maintenance. Does anyone know of a website where you can have one of those kids shipped to the States? I've got a Ben Franklin, that's 100 large, ready for the purchase.
Jan 12, 2005
The further adventures of Bond and Templeton
Following the critical success of my first action packed major motion picture screenplay, I was asked to write a follow-up to the block buster hit, "Bond and Templeton." Well here is a scene from that sequel, "Bond and Templeton Strike Back Against Terrrrrists."
Scene: Generic Middle Eastern City
A man rests atop a minaret at dusk, leading the call to prayer. Meanwhile, down below, Bond is engaged in a high stakes game of intrigue as he attempts to trade a 2,000 lb bail of hashish for a truck load of Stinger Missiles.
Bond: Well, here it is, all 2,000 lbs., minus a little bit I had to "dispose of" on the way down here, if you know what I mean. Right fellas? Eh??
Abu-Simbal: Right James, hahaha, "dispose of." That's a good one. You are a man of humor. I can trust you.
Templeton rushes into the dank cellar with an ear piece dangling from his collar and a slide rule at his side.
Templeton: James. What are you saying. You..you...you actually consumed some of this evidence, which I might add is property of Her Majesty's Government.
Abu-Simbal: Pulling out a gun. James. Who in the name of Kareem Abdul Ali is this? Kill them. Kill them both.
Bond: Templeton you little shit. Now we're done for.
Templeton: Consumption of narcotics is a violation of Section 12.24(a) of Her Majesty's Criminal Code, as well as a Departmental Infraction and dare I say against the rules and regulation found within Section 12, para. 3 of the employee handbook which you did sign. At least, you gave me your word you signed. Oh god James, tell me you signed the handbook.
Abu-Simbal: For the love of Ali Haji Sheik, James how do you put up with this? Men, lower your guns. We will fight another day.
Simbal and his men begin to withdraw.
Templeton: Really James. You disappoint me. I suppose if you forgot to sign the handbook you also forgot to tell Mr. Simbal here that we have been recording this whole affair and will be promptly turning over the transcripts to Price Waterhouse Coopers.
Abu-Simbal: Now you may kill them....
Scene: Generic Middle Eastern City
A man rests atop a minaret at dusk, leading the call to prayer. Meanwhile, down below, Bond is engaged in a high stakes game of intrigue as he attempts to trade a 2,000 lb bail of hashish for a truck load of Stinger Missiles.
Bond: Well, here it is, all 2,000 lbs., minus a little bit I had to "dispose of" on the way down here, if you know what I mean. Right fellas? Eh??
Abu-Simbal: Right James, hahaha, "dispose of." That's a good one. You are a man of humor. I can trust you.
Templeton rushes into the dank cellar with an ear piece dangling from his collar and a slide rule at his side.
Templeton: James. What are you saying. You..you...you actually consumed some of this evidence, which I might add is property of Her Majesty's Government.
Abu-Simbal: Pulling out a gun. James. Who in the name of Kareem Abdul Ali is this? Kill them. Kill them both.
Bond: Templeton you little shit. Now we're done for.
Templeton: Consumption of narcotics is a violation of Section 12.24(a) of Her Majesty's Criminal Code, as well as a Departmental Infraction and dare I say against the rules and regulation found within Section 12, para. 3 of the employee handbook which you did sign. At least, you gave me your word you signed. Oh god James, tell me you signed the handbook.
Abu-Simbal: For the love of Ali Haji Sheik, James how do you put up with this? Men, lower your guns. We will fight another day.
Simbal and his men begin to withdraw.
Templeton: Really James. You disappoint me. I suppose if you forgot to sign the handbook you also forgot to tell Mr. Simbal here that we have been recording this whole affair and will be promptly turning over the transcripts to Price Waterhouse Coopers.
Abu-Simbal: Now you may kill them....
Where's WMDo??
Newsflash: It was announced today by our trusted leaders in the Nation's Crapitol that we didn't find any WMD's in Iraq. Also, Hussein didn't have them since 1991, nor did he have the capability to manufacture them. I know what you are saying, "But he had aluminum tubes." So does ACE Hardware.
The story of the day is WMD related. Apparently British Intelligence, specifically MI6 has "hired a quality control watchdog to safeguard the quality of its intelligence after criticisms about information supplied ahead of the war in Iraq."
The Brits have hired "A businessman with management experience....to check the agency's overall operations."
After hearing this story, my visions of British Intelligence have gone down the toilet. Can you imagine one of these number crunching geeks walking up to James Bond and saying "You know James, you may want to consider utilizing a prophylactic the next time you ass bang a Thai secret agent, due the high incident rate of AIDS in that part of the world, and the possibility that you could suffer a reduction in manhours due to illness were you to contract such a dreaded disease."
I think I might make a cop-buddy movie starring James Bond as a secret agent and Rhys-Jones-Smythe Templeton as his accountant sidekick monitoring his every move.
Scene: Kiev, midnight
Bond has just seduced the Prime Minister's wife, and having been successful, deftly removed a small packet of microfilm from her anal sphincter. Templeton joins the action to examine the packet.
Templeton: James, I don't trust the authenticity of this evidence.
Bond: Pal, I just pulled this out of that old bird's arse hole. I think its reliable.
Templeton: Better safe than sorry James. By the way, do you have that expense report filled out yet? Q is really after me about your tardiness.
KGB officers arrive and open fire.
Bond: Templeton you twat get out of my way, I need a clear shot. Flag down that cab, we need to get out of here.
Templeton: James, I don't have cab voucher, let's take the public tram....
-end-
The story of the day is WMD related. Apparently British Intelligence, specifically MI6 has "hired a quality control watchdog to safeguard the quality of its intelligence after criticisms about information supplied ahead of the war in Iraq."
The Brits have hired "A businessman with management experience....to check the agency's overall operations."
After hearing this story, my visions of British Intelligence have gone down the toilet. Can you imagine one of these number crunching geeks walking up to James Bond and saying "You know James, you may want to consider utilizing a prophylactic the next time you ass bang a Thai secret agent, due the high incident rate of AIDS in that part of the world, and the possibility that you could suffer a reduction in manhours due to illness were you to contract such a dreaded disease."
I think I might make a cop-buddy movie starring James Bond as a secret agent and Rhys-Jones-Smythe Templeton as his accountant sidekick monitoring his every move.
Scene: Kiev, midnight
Bond has just seduced the Prime Minister's wife, and having been successful, deftly removed a small packet of microfilm from her anal sphincter. Templeton joins the action to examine the packet.
Templeton: James, I don't trust the authenticity of this evidence.
Bond: Pal, I just pulled this out of that old bird's arse hole. I think its reliable.
Templeton: Better safe than sorry James. By the way, do you have that expense report filled out yet? Q is really after me about your tardiness.
KGB officers arrive and open fire.
Bond: Templeton you twat get out of my way, I need a clear shot. Flag down that cab, we need to get out of here.
Templeton: James, I don't have cab voucher, let's take the public tram....
-end-
Jan 11, 2005
pundit payola
Armstrong Williams, a prominent media pundit, was outed by USA Today as having received $240K from the Bush administration to promote the unpopular No Child Left Behind policy. Williams, as an African-American conservative, was well positioned to flack for the school accountability act. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/16/arts/16rich.html?pagewanted=1&oref=login
We here at tkid's blog see nothing wrong with a talking head raking in a little extra cash to make a point here and there. In fact, we'd like to take advantage of this opportunity to announce that the opinions espoused on tkid's blog are officially for sale. For as little as $4,000, we promise to post vehemently argued commentary on whatever cause our clients prefer. For a negotiable sum, we'll even take a campaign to the airwaves of our syndicated radio network, which is beamed via satellite from our studios in Kuala Lumpur. For more information, please contact our pundit salesperson, Dr. David LoPan, at david_lopan@hotmail.com
Remember, at tkid's blog, our opinion is your opinion - for a nominal fee.
We here at tkid's blog see nothing wrong with a talking head raking in a little extra cash to make a point here and there. In fact, we'd like to take advantage of this opportunity to announce that the opinions espoused on tkid's blog are officially for sale. For as little as $4,000, we promise to post vehemently argued commentary on whatever cause our clients prefer. For a negotiable sum, we'll even take a campaign to the airwaves of our syndicated radio network, which is beamed via satellite from our studios in Kuala Lumpur. For more information, please contact our pundit salesperson, Dr. David LoPan, at david_lopan@hotmail.com
Remember, at tkid's blog, our opinion is your opinion - for a nominal fee.
Jan 10, 2005
deep thoughts from TKID1 : dan snyder sux
As if we needed more reasons to hate the Redskins and Cowboys. The Washington Post reports that Danny Boy Snyder and Jerry "facelift from hell" Jones are leading a consortium of NFL owners who want to strip the league of its revenue sharing agreements, moving toward an eventual doing away with the salary cap. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A57668-2005Jan7.html
Great. I'd love to see the 'Skins v. 'Boys games, currently a joke, turn into a version of MLB's horrific Red Sox v. Yankees spend-a-rama. Danny Boy could spend $500 million (that's five extra large ones) to wrangle the All Pro team to play at the sans-soul Fed Ex Field, also known in some circles as Fed-Skin Field. We could all cheer through the endless boner-pill commercials while the teams with the biggest marketing machines and TV markets took home the Super Bowl. Oh yeah. The beauty of the NFL, which is unique among pro sports these days, is that small market, low buck teams like the Steelers and Colts can build bad ass squads by actually focusing on football things, like player and coach development. Danny Boy, on the other hand, opens his mega-wallet each year to hire a new coach and a host of overpaid, aging, free agents and can only sniffle while he gets a perpetually 5-11 or thereabouts squad.
Who Dey!
Great. I'd love to see the 'Skins v. 'Boys games, currently a joke, turn into a version of MLB's horrific Red Sox v. Yankees spend-a-rama. Danny Boy could spend $500 million (that's five extra large ones) to wrangle the All Pro team to play at the sans-soul Fed Ex Field, also known in some circles as Fed-Skin Field. We could all cheer through the endless boner-pill commercials while the teams with the biggest marketing machines and TV markets took home the Super Bowl. Oh yeah. The beauty of the NFL, which is unique among pro sports these days, is that small market, low buck teams like the Steelers and Colts can build bad ass squads by actually focusing on football things, like player and coach development. Danny Boy, on the other hand, opens his mega-wallet each year to hire a new coach and a host of overpaid, aging, free agents and can only sniffle while he gets a perpetually 5-11 or thereabouts squad.
Who Dey!
Jan 8, 2005
Are we all just polishing the brass on the Titanic?
Tkid got philosophical last night reading about the battle of the Somme on July 1, 1916 where the British suffered 19,000 killed and 58,000 wounded in 6 hours. I was thinking, if the parents of those killed were told prior to conception their offspring would be caught on some barbed wire and flayed by a shrapnel shell on their 18th birthday, would they reconsider having that child. And that made me think that when you choose to have a kid you are rolling the dice on their behalf as to whether they will suffer some horrible problem or come out of everything ok.
On a lighter note, the decline in the replacement rate of reproduction over the past 50 years really is incredible to me, especially in Western Europe. I am going to write a story about an event where the sun emits a solar flare that radiates the planet, sterilizing everyone so no one can reproduce anymore, and raising all sorts of cool issues like artificial intelligence, use of frozen embryos, etc. to keep the race going. I would also explore those groups who would see this event as a blessing rather than a curse.
I'm going to my post-fantasy football league party today at 3pm at a strip club by the O'Hare airport. Should be fun. I missed the playoffs by 2 points when Eddie Kennison scored a td for my opponent with 7 seconds left in the last game of the league.
On a lighter note, the decline in the replacement rate of reproduction over the past 50 years really is incredible to me, especially in Western Europe. I am going to write a story about an event where the sun emits a solar flare that radiates the planet, sterilizing everyone so no one can reproduce anymore, and raising all sorts of cool issues like artificial intelligence, use of frozen embryos, etc. to keep the race going. I would also explore those groups who would see this event as a blessing rather than a curse.
I'm going to my post-fantasy football league party today at 3pm at a strip club by the O'Hare airport. Should be fun. I missed the playoffs by 2 points when Eddie Kennison scored a td for my opponent with 7 seconds left in the last game of the league.
Jan 7, 2005
bush opens his wallet, and his heart
President Bush scored heaps of flattering press for his personal donation of $10,000 to the tsunami relief efforts. To prove just how generous Bush was, I looked into our great leader's personal wealth. According to the nonpartisan Center for Public Integrity, Bush has a minimum annual income of $443,450 and a minimum of $7,663,048 in assets. Because these are minimums, as required for tax purpose reporting, he likely sits on far more bags of gold. See this site: www.bop2004.org/bop2004/candidate.aspx?cid=1&act=pfin
So, to put his donation in understandable terms, I figured out what it would be as a factor of my annual post-tax income, about $30K (TKID1 has no assets to speak of). The result: my equivalent donation would be about $37. I think I can swing that.
So, to put his donation in understandable terms, I figured out what it would be as a factor of my annual post-tax income, about $30K (TKID1 has no assets to speak of). The result: my equivalent donation would be about $37. I think I can swing that.
Jan 6, 2005
Celebracy
Check out this great website offering celebrity impersonators.
http://www.lookalikes-usa.com/main.cfm
I want to hire some of these people to appear at a party, only not allow them to dress or act like the celebrity they impersonate. Then people would bug the shit out of them all night with questions like, "You look so familiar" and "Who do you remind me of," all the while my rental buddy would have to keep his/her mouth shut about their likeness. My first hire will most certainly be the Bill Gates look-alike. Poor bastard.
http://www.lookalikes-usa.com/main.cfm
I want to hire some of these people to appear at a party, only not allow them to dress or act like the celebrity they impersonate. Then people would bug the shit out of them all night with questions like, "You look so familiar" and "Who do you remind me of," all the while my rental buddy would have to keep his/her mouth shut about their likeness. My first hire will most certainly be the Bill Gates look-alike. Poor bastard.
Numbers Game
The Tsunmami death toll hit 160,000 today. I was thinking about the number of those lost vs. the number of earthlings who die each day. Then I found this website:
http://www.intellectualloafing.com/activitiesfolder/estimationqsfolder/usdeathrate.htm
It asks that we assume the following:
1) Everyone lives to the age of 75 (rough average life expectancy)
2) There is the same number of people of each age (i.e. the same number of 5 year olds as 65 year olds, people move though life as though on a conveyer belt).
3) The population is constant. This implies that 1/75 of the population are dying each year.
4) Estimate the total population of the US at 260 million.
i.e. 260 million / 75 = 3466666 people die each year
365 days in a year.
Therefore 3466666/365 = 9500 people per day. (in the U.S.)
Follow up Question: What is the global daily death rate?
Estimate the world population at 6 billion (6000 million) and 260 million in the US.
6342 * 6000 million / 260 million = 146,000 people per day.
http://www.intellectualloafing.com/activitiesfolder/estimationqsfolder/usdeathrate.htm
It asks that we assume the following:
1) Everyone lives to the age of 75 (rough average life expectancy)
2) There is the same number of people of each age (i.e. the same number of 5 year olds as 65 year olds, people move though life as though on a conveyer belt).
3) The population is constant. This implies that 1/75 of the population are dying each year.
4) Estimate the total population of the US at 260 million.
i.e. 260 million / 75 = 3466666 people die each year
365 days in a year.
Therefore 3466666/365 = 9500 people per day. (in the U.S.)
Follow up Question: What is the global daily death rate?
Estimate the world population at 6 billion (6000 million) and 260 million in the US.
6342 * 6000 million / 260 million = 146,000 people per day.
fundamentalism forces flop?
Ollie Stone is raving about how "moral fundamentalism" caused his latest epic film, Alexander, to bomb at the box office. http://film.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,12589,1384483,00.html
Yeah, that's probably true. After all, movies and TV shows with effete, ambiguously gay or openly flaming characters NEVER do well in American flyover territory. Will & Grace you say? Huge bust. NBC is hemorraghing cash to keep that dog afloat. The same thing happened with the Batman flicks. As soon as Hollywood introduced the little sissy Robin, ably played by Chris O'Donnell, theatergoers ran for the exits. Of course, Stone's Alexander wasn't helped by the fact that Vail Kilmer, who starred as Al's daddy, went from Iceman to Fat Elvis in his later years. Wow. That guy must be up to three bills by now.
Yeah, that's probably true. After all, movies and TV shows with effete, ambiguously gay or openly flaming characters NEVER do well in American flyover territory. Will & Grace you say? Huge bust. NBC is hemorraghing cash to keep that dog afloat. The same thing happened with the Batman flicks. As soon as Hollywood introduced the little sissy Robin, ably played by Chris O'Donnell, theatergoers ran for the exits. Of course, Stone's Alexander wasn't helped by the fact that Vail Kilmer, who starred as Al's daddy, went from Iceman to Fat Elvis in his later years. Wow. That guy must be up to three bills by now.
Jan 5, 2005
Colin Powell Epiphany
So Colin Powell is surveying the damage from the Tsunami today. His quote, "I've Never Seen Anything Like This" is getting an awful lot of play in the press. That is a mouthful, considering a younger Colin was slugging it out with Charlie in the rice-fields of the Nam.
I am a little surprised his other quote, "I've seen shit that would turn you white" hasn't received as much airplay. Any quote is better than the one Anderson Cooper of CNN made last week, when during an accidentally recorded off-air briefing he remarked, "I'm tired of stepping in Sri Lankan shit." He later added, "I own this shitbag of a tsunami-torn region." BTW, Tkid just switched from VaVoom to Anderson's hair care product of choice, Tiger's Punch Extreme Sport Gel.
Swedish Ambassador to Thailand, Thor Balsec laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown Swede today in Phuket. The tomb design is markedly Swedish, with blue and yellow tones and machine washable cushions.
Developing....
I am a little surprised his other quote, "I've seen shit that would turn you white" hasn't received as much airplay. Any quote is better than the one Anderson Cooper of CNN made last week, when during an accidentally recorded off-air briefing he remarked, "I'm tired of stepping in Sri Lankan shit." He later added, "I own this shitbag of a tsunami-torn region." BTW, Tkid just switched from VaVoom to Anderson's hair care product of choice, Tiger's Punch Extreme Sport Gel.
Swedish Ambassador to Thailand, Thor Balsec laid a wreath at the tomb of the unknown Swede today in Phuket. The tomb design is markedly Swedish, with blue and yellow tones and machine washable cushions.
Developing....
nuke north korea
Check out this quote from Ann Coulter in today's NY Observer:
"I’m getting a little fed up with hearing about, oh, civilian casualties. I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning." http://observer.com/pages/world.asp
Damn skippy. Though I guess Coulter doesn't have any shares in Daewoo, her point is dead on. With a little campfire cooking in Korea, the rest of the world would clearly bow to every whim of Americana. We may be, as Bush says, a "kindhearted nation," but if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
In the Observer interview, Coulter goes on to tout her street cred, even speaking for the collective mind of "the brothers" of this fine nation. Can you imagine TKID1 using that term whilst speaking for black America? Hell no. This Kid would get a four-alarm beat-down, the likes of which he hasn't gotten since that night in '89 when he celebrated a bit too much after rolling a strike at a Rustbelt bowling alley.
Here's Coulter, describing the secret of how a Connecticut native with an Ivy League pedigree can relate to real Americans: "I give all of my speeches out in the red states — I know America ..." Hey babe, as Lonely Planet says, there's no better way to get a feel for a town than by giving a $250 per head speech at the Chamber of Commerce.
"I’m getting a little fed up with hearing about, oh, civilian casualties. I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning." http://observer.com/pages/world.asp
Damn skippy. Though I guess Coulter doesn't have any shares in Daewoo, her point is dead on. With a little campfire cooking in Korea, the rest of the world would clearly bow to every whim of Americana. We may be, as Bush says, a "kindhearted nation," but if you mess with the bull, you get the horns.
In the Observer interview, Coulter goes on to tout her street cred, even speaking for the collective mind of "the brothers" of this fine nation. Can you imagine TKID1 using that term whilst speaking for black America? Hell no. This Kid would get a four-alarm beat-down, the likes of which he hasn't gotten since that night in '89 when he celebrated a bit too much after rolling a strike at a Rustbelt bowling alley.
Here's Coulter, describing the secret of how a Connecticut native with an Ivy League pedigree can relate to real Americans: "I give all of my speeches out in the red states — I know America ..." Hey babe, as Lonely Planet says, there's no better way to get a feel for a town than by giving a $250 per head speech at the Chamber of Commerce.
Jan 4, 2005
new kids on the blog
TKID1 speaks(types): How does one explain the true meaning of kid-dom? It's not the for the dim-witted or the weak-livered, that much The Kid can say fo' sho. The essence, in short, is that universe-aligning moment when The Kid - after donning his choicest suit and whipping a healthy dollop of VaVoom! through his manly locks - strides out the door to show the big bad world who's the boss. It doesn't matter that The Kid don't know jack, and plans to spend his whole day downloading smut or reading obscure factoids on Bulgarian websites, it's the image that matters. There's far more to being The Kid, but that's a start.
What's up with the arrogance of bloggers anyhow? The crux of being Americun is that everyone thinks they, and their opinions, matter - every snowflake is different, bla bla. But the bottom line is that 99.9 percent of the morons who run blogs have nothing of any value to impart, including the hosts of this site. For some reason the media feels the need to blow sunshine up the asses of guys who get off typing this sort of inane bullshit. Not this Kid. It's safe to say that nobody will ever learn anything on this site, and should surf away to more important websites, like www.bbc.co.uk, www.espn.com or www.clownpenis.fart
Where the motherfucking cheese go at? http://www.chocodog.com/chocodog/ween/ween_new/audio_fr.html
What's up with the arrogance of bloggers anyhow? The crux of being Americun is that everyone thinks they, and their opinions, matter - every snowflake is different, bla bla. But the bottom line is that 99.9 percent of the morons who run blogs have nothing of any value to impart, including the hosts of this site. For some reason the media feels the need to blow sunshine up the asses of guys who get off typing this sort of inane bullshit. Not this Kid. It's safe to say that nobody will ever learn anything on this site, and should surf away to more important websites, like www.bbc.co.uk, www.espn.com or www.clownpenis.fart
Where the motherfucking cheese go at? http://www.chocodog.com/chocodog/ween/ween_new/audio_fr.html
Tsunami Anagrams reveal masterplot of U.S. Government
The following nouns/statements are anagrams of "tsunami." While the word tsunami is harmless on its face (def: giant earth tub queef), an in-depth exploration of its anagrams reveals a shocking admission from its creator, as well as the reason for its creation.
The list is as follows:
POST REMOVED FOLLOWING COMPLAINTS FROM TSUNAMI VETERANS OF AMERICA, AKA "TSUNAMMIES"
The list is as follows:
POST REMOVED FOLLOWING COMPLAINTS FROM TSUNAMI VETERANS OF AMERICA, AKA "TSUNAMMIES"
Jan 2, 2005
tkid2 disaster event 3.0
Tkid 2 here: Tkid 1 is awol. I think the email address I have on him is outdated. It incorporates the name of his previous employer. I wrote him and suggested we grow a bumper crop of illegal pyschotropic mushrooms. He hasn't responded. I also don't know if he understands that this blog is up and running and awaiting his guidance.
My computer gave up the ghost on New Year's Eve and I lost every file I had when I was forced to reinstall my operating system. I am probably going to switch to Linux as soon as I figure out what that hell that is. I discovered bittorrent which is interesting, but I am sworn to download non-RIAA material, lest I offend. With my restore went all of my Ulrich Schnauss albums and choicest porn. I recommend www.legaltorrents.com btw, good stuff.
tkid2
My computer gave up the ghost on New Year's Eve and I lost every file I had when I was forced to reinstall my operating system. I am probably going to switch to Linux as soon as I figure out what that hell that is. I discovered bittorrent which is interesting, but I am sworn to download non-RIAA material, lest I offend. With my restore went all of my Ulrich Schnauss albums and choicest porn. I recommend www.legaltorrents.com btw, good stuff.
tkid2
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