Jun 29, 2005

Call to Arms

Last night, while TKID5 was sipping a Corona on his couch, he listened as President Bush extolled the progress of our nation's toils in Iraq, urging patience and resolve. It was a hell of a speech. One aspect, however, stuck in this kid's craw:

"To those considering military service, there is no higher calling than service in the armed forces," Bush said.

The president's pitch for signing-up had a profound effect on me. Of course I'm a true patriot, having supported the war from the get-go. But, am I doing enough for the cause? Is my yellow ribbon bumper sticker proof that I'm a good American?

Yes. It is. Now see, in this, the world's greatest country, some people are meant to do the fighting while others take care of business on the home front. I'm one of those cats with an uncanny knack with numbers and schmoozing, which means my place in life is earning the big bucks, then watching them trickle down, helping our economy and the war effort.

This philosophy is not unique. In fact, many conservative heroes have espoused similar arguments for taking a pass on military service, most notable VP Cheney, who said he had "other priorities" during Vietnam and Tom DeLay, who famously remarked that ceding his slot during that war to a less lucky man was a charitable act, by giving a leg up to someone from those lower classes. Good on them, I say.

Now, if I could swing a deal like President Bush did back in 'Nam, that would be a different story. I'd love to fly a sweet jet like the F-102 Delta Dagger: http://www.wpafb.af.mil/museum/air_power/ap54.htm, as long as I could confine that service to the odd weekend here and there, while still being able to enjoy the night life, as did Bush. During the war, the future president and tough guy Texan lived in a deluxe apartment complex called Chateau Dijon, complete with a huge swimming pool, and often rolled around Houston in his Triumph, slaying the ladies. That's living. (The bachelor's tale: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/6482734?pageid=rs.Politics&pageregion=single4)

But, alas, the part-time fighter jock gig isn't what you get when you sign up for the national guard or the reserve these days. Word is, practically as soon as they scribble their John Hanckocks, today's reservists are handed a rifle and dropped down on the streets of Mosul or Fallujah. No thanks. Besides, my country needs me here. Did I mention that I have a yellow ribbon bumper sticker on SUV?

Jun 28, 2005

God-Lovers At Their Finest

TKID5 is all for protesting the tyranny of secularism. But a conservative group's random protest on Monday of the funeral of a soldier killed in Iraq seems to go a bit far. In fact, I have no clue what this group, under the leadership of their God-like leader, Rev. Fred Phelps, are trying to say. The good Reverend hates gays. That much is clear. He blames our nation's "tolerance" of gays for the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Therefore, he is taking his group to protest the funerals of soldiers -- non-gay soldiers -- who are killed in the war in Iraq. The following quote, taken from an LA Times story, is their explanation for protesting outside of a soldier's funeral that was held in Massachusetts on Monday.

"We are protesting the sins of this nation," Phelps-Roper [a lawyer for the group] said. "That doesn't exclude him."

OK.

Apparently the local police department's bagpipe band drowned out the protesters when they'd pipe up with their little slogans.

Jun 24, 2005

Back to War

To all of my readers, both of you, my deepest apologies. TKID's Blog has indeed been dormant of late, like a liquor store on a Sunday morning, and I have little excuse. Nonetheless, I will hazard one. The One And Only TKID recently paid me, and the fine ladies of this town, a visit. It was one hell of a tour, and the worst bender this kid has seen since that weekend in Vegas, Circus Circus to be exact, circa 1998. Bygones. Suffice to say that the reek of booze and sleepless evenings put the noble pursuit of truth that is TKID's Blog on the back burner.

When I awoke from my stupor, my guilt was stoked beyond the usual hungover self-revulsion by the heroic comments of my role model, the brilliant Karl Rove. This man, the moral compass that TKID5 looks to on dark days, offered inspiring words to a gathering in NYC this weekend. A snippet follows:

"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers," Rove said.

After reading this line, I flashed back to that horrid day, where, over drinks at my local watering hole, I witnessed just this sort of treachery. Everywhere, liberals were applauding the terrorists, offering explanations for their actions, and discussing the need to ship therapists to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. I was outraged, and went home to polish my .22 rifle. Before long, I was practicing my marching in the back yard, and summoning the courage to sign up for the special forces. After banging out 25 pushups - in one session - I knew I was ready for the Navy Seals. But on the way to the Marine Corps recruiting center, I spotted the beckoning neon of Coors Light at a fine public house, and the rest is history.

Needless to say, my shame is complete. But now, with the words of encouragement from Karl Rove, I realize it's time for me to go to war. I'm putting down this beer, and doing crunches right now.

Over, and out!

Jun 16, 2005

Man vs. Monkey vs. Mutant

Creationism proponents took one step backward today as they were forced to concede that God did not create MAN in his image, but rather, MOST MEN. This startling retraction from earlier Biblical dogma was prompted by the recent uncovery of one Brian Peppers. Peppers, a nice guy from Ohio, seems to be more of a mutant than a man. Yet, according to Evolutionists Inc., Brian is most definitely a man. His pedigree is well documented here. Evolutionists spokesman Raymond Fitzchandler challenged Kansas State Board of Education members at a town hall meeting last Wednesday night with photos of Mr. Peppers. He stated to the panel, "Do you think God looks like this guy? I tell you what, if I was shown a picture of this dude in Sunday School back in the day and told he was the Almighty, I would have jumped out the window. My God is white with a big beard and flowing robes, not some C.H.U.D."

Seth Nightingale, spokesman for Creationismists.Org, a think tank organization based in St. Louis that has provided much needed support to several Kansas Education Board officials, refuted Fitzchandler. "Our opponents are assuming that Mr. Peppers really is a man. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's the dreaded Puerto Rican Chupacabra monster. I don't know. What I do know is if he is designated a man, he belongs to that group of sub-humans that were not created in God's own image."

TKID4 is currently researching various Biblical tomes for references of monkeys and apes. So far he hasn't come up with one word about our simian cousins. Mostly its just talk about walking around in a desert. As far as TKID4 is concerned, that's one point for creationists.

Jun 15, 2005

Fairy Tales About Gods and Monkeys

It's getting hot over at the Kansas State Board of Education, where boardmembers are currently debating the relative merits of teaching evolution and/or intelligent design, TKID5's favorite explanation of how the majesty that is me came to be. The AP reports that boardmembers are slinging insults with reckless abandon, and that an aggressive letter from Connie Morris of the board is stirring up angst.

In the letter, the AP reports, "Morris derided evolution as an 'age-old fairy tale,' sometimes defended with 'anti-God contempt and arrogance.' She wrote that evolution is 'a theory in crisis' and headlined one section of her newsletter 'The Evolutionists are in Panic Mode!'"

Anti-God fairy tales always freaked-out TKID5 when he was a wee lad, particularly ones about how my ancestors were monkeys that had mutated over millions of years, eventually evolving to the shimmering beauty of my God-like form.

Actually, I preferred other fairy tales, the ones told to me in bible class. My favorite was the one about how a mysterious, male deity created all that there is in six days, resting on the seventh, because although he was all powerful, he must've been tired. The only aspect of this otherwise comforting story that bothered me was the fact that the God-man worked for six straight days. TKID5 ain't doing that, no way.

Jun 14, 2005

The Empire Strikes Back

After a week in which Howard Dean, the dem's pitbull, took potshots at helpless Republicans, somebody final had the verve and gusto to fight fire with fire.

Calling Howard Dean "over the top," Vice President Dick Cheney decried Dean's insensitive and inflammatory comments, adding that Dean is "not the kind of individual you want to have representing your political party."

Damn skippy, Dick.

"I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell," Cheney said in the interview with Fox News Channel.

Sure, some of those wussy liberals might whine that Cheney took the low road by bringing Dean's mother into his heroic bashing of the Vermont pansy. But seriously, who among us could call the Dickster anything other than an honorable, decent man?

God speed, VP Cheney!

Jun 10, 2005

Crossing Over

TKID4 is a big fan of John Edward, self-proclaimed medium and until recently television star. His show "Crossing Over" was cancelled due to poor ratings but his contribution to society lives on. Many fans were crushed by the sudden cancellation of his show. One in particular created a moving web tribute to the psychic-stud, as can be seen here. Be sure and have a box of skin-sensitive tissues nearby when you open this page though, as the musical tribute to this man will move you to otherworldly tears.

One conservative watchdog group is comparing the talents of John Edward to failed V.P. candidate and personal injury attorney John Edwards. Apparently Edwards claimed at trial to be channeling his cerebral palsy-afflicted client's words through him and into the jurors' ears. The jury later awarded the plaintiff several million dollars.

Both Johns may have more free time on their hands at the moment, but John Edward has left the t.v. studio in favor of a lengthy international tour. Prices at several of the venues, including major cities Chicago, NYC and South Florida run $175 pp. For his reluctant trips to the sticks, including Cleveland, Minneapolis and Salt Lake, $59 gets you in the door. No word if the accuracy of Edward's cold calls increase as the ticket prices escalate.

TKID4 will be sending its NYC correspondent Ted "TKed" Kiegals to Edward's appearance there in late summer. Please feel free to write in with questions you may like us to ask John at that time. None of those questions will be asked however, as John doesn't allow much from his audience members except for "yes," "no" and "who should I make this check out to?"

Jun 3, 2005

Tazy Days of Summer

TKID2 believes that in America, if you speed in your vehicle, you deserve to have several thousand volts surging through your veins, multiple times, as this video shows.

TKID2 doesn't know the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 from his Ps2, but he knows that this nation needs a strong military-type presence in its streets, Baghdad-stylee, and the taser is the first line of civil defense in the war on criminals, thugs, and the underprivileged. Like the catchy-cop phrase "Click it or Ticket," it is important that would-be lead footers live by the mantra, "Slow down or get internally bar-b-qued." Of course, tasers will be of little use to our law enforcement personnel when the robots arise to revolt against their flesh-masters. That is why we need to conquer space, so that future Americans can slip the surly bonds of a future robot infested earth and live large in floating space colonies in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt.

In Deep Qaa Qaa

The U.N. announced that its "satellite imagery experts" have determined that some rather nasty dual-use WMD material has been removed from 109 different locations in Iraq since 2003. One site which caught the attention of inspectors was the Qaa Qaa industrial complex south of Baghdad, where a substantial amount of chemical manufacturing equip and material has turned up missing.

U.N. inspectors have not been allowed on the ground in Iraq since the start of the war but continue to monitor through satellite photos sites known to contain chem and bio weapons manfuacturing equipment. This announcement is included in a report to the U.N. Security Council which does not contain indications of where this voluminous material may have ended up. TKID4 was provided exclusive photos of southern Iraq by a source deep within the Galactic Empire which showed what appeared to be Jawa Sandcrawler tracks streaking across the vast desert. Whether there is any connection between the fictional nomadic midget sand traders and the material theft remains to be seen.

There has been no response from U.S. authorities to the U.N. report, but TKID4 is betting that this material was ferreted away long ago by U.S. Special Forces. This does produce the troubling thought however that the U.S. government was withholding their activities from the U.N. The only uranium-tip producing chink in the armor of my theory that Uncle Sam is behind the house cleaning in Iraq are previous reports from the U.N. commission charged with monitoring the sites, known as UNMOVIC, which disclosed the discovery of material from several of the looted sites showing up in Jordan and the Netherlands. With this equipment making its way to Europe most likely by sea, TKID4 is wondering if the Bush Administration was right all along. Perhaps Iraq did have WMD's (or at least the capacity to make them). For those who long for the days when such material was accounted for, TKID4 asks you this. Would you rather have them concentrated in the hands of a madman like Saddam, or on several hundred non-descript global containment ships pulling up to a harbor near you?

conservative v. liberal babes

Two of TKID5's favorite conservative commentators are Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Their scathing critiques of liberalism and its ilk are top notch. Remember Coulter's line about killing all the leaders of Muslim countries? That was awesome! However, one theory proposed by these two, which seems to be gaining salience among my fellow blog/talk radio partisans, is that liberals no longer tout the hot chicks among their ranks. They assert that the hotties are now fully in the pantheon of the conservative revolution, while liberals are left with wrinkled hippies. One common explanation for this shift is that the good looking ladies are bellwethers of social change; that the ladies are flocking to the paradigm of our time, which is a return to good old American traditional values, and that wherever the female cuties go, men will follow.

Though TKID5 desperately wants this to be true, he finds little evidence to back this heavenly theory. Coulter and Malkin may be geniuses, but hot? Oh my gawd. Just the thought of Coulter naked gives me the chills. She looks like Buffalo Bill in a blonde wig. And whenever TKID5 goes to a rightwing party - perhaps a strategy session or a book burning - he sees a lot of suits and a few church ladies. Let's face it, the righteous, Godly chicks are butt. Though TKID5 likes to espouse family values in his politics, that no sex until marriage thing is not part of his credo. And the Christian rock scene? No thanks. I don't need to listen to some wanker yapping about the New Testament over Deep Purple chords while a plumper who would only go missionary-style - if I was lucky - does that awful Jenna Bush "hook 'em horns" sign with her tongue hanging out.

On the other hand, whenever TKID5 traipses around enemy territory - the dens of liberal hell like NYC, Chicago or SF - he spots rampant numbers of hotties. Of course, these ladies sniff out my family values style before I can tell them I'm a Senate staffer who believes in faith-based giving (I'm all about giving, baby), but I'm not sure those lines would even work with them. And just the thought of their liberal, free-living ways, the lifestyle of the modern woman, makes TKID5 desperately jealous of those crunchy, sissy liberal guys.

Oh well, back to perusing my conservative dating service.

Jun 1, 2005

Till We Meet Again

The FBI is about to exhume the body of Emmett Till, a young man murdered a half century ago in the deep south. Till was resting in a cemetery in the Chicago suburb of Alsip, IL before Federal Agents probed the peaceful earth with their shovels to locate the corpse. Authorities erected a white tent where friends and family of Till gathered for a memorial service. Then workers brought in a backhoe and started digging overnight to expose the concrete vault holding his remains.

Till was visiting relatives in Mississippi 50 years ago when it is claimed he whistled at a white store clerk. He was later kidnapped in the middle of the night and found several days later in the Tallahatchie River. He had been tortured and shot. There was a trial of several suspects followed by an expected acquittal. No autopsy was ever done.

The purpose of the exhumation is reportedly to determine the cause of death and more importantly, to investigate whether additional people beyond the men originally tried for the killing may have been responsible. Even with additional evidence, prosecution of those responsible may be difficult if not impossible, since many men previously implicated in the murder have since passed away and those still alive are just hanging on at age 75 and above.

TKID4 for one is resting easy knowing the FBI is devoting its strained resources to studying a murder that occurred 50 years ago rather than hunting down domestic terrorist cells which are at this minute planning to attack unguarded nuclear power plants across the nation. I can forgive the Bureau for bumbling the entire pre-911 investigation of Al-Qaeda activities at flight schools leading to the deaths of over 2500 people as well as two wars, but I will not rest until the G-Men painstakingly exhume the body of James Dean to determine whether he really did die while driving his porsche recklessly one evening in 1955, or....if it was murder.

In other news, the FBI is considering digging up the mass grave at Wounded Knee, South Dakota, to understand exactly how those injuns died. One theory holds that several dozen U.S. Army Officer's rifles discharged unexpectedly into the crowd of unarmed Native Americans due to a French manufacturer's design defect. If proven true, hopefully this new evidence would exonerate the U.S. Government from years of accusations that it conducted a systemized campaign of genocide versus Native Americans and allow for the privatization of Federal Indian Reservations and the utilzation of its inhabitants cheap labor supply.