May 17, 2005

Fictional Revived Athlete Tased in School Parking Lot

Following his remarkable recovery from a massive myocardial infarction, Willie McGinnis, power forward for the Chippewa State Desert Rays was tased to death in the Ft. Worth, Colorado gymnasium parking lot by police officers. McGinnis had minutes earlier collapsed on the court, only to be revived by paramedics through the use of a Duracell battery-powered German-made Der Fibrillator model X-125R, nicknamed "Die Katzefleisch Machine." He went on to score 14 points on 7 for 8 shooting, before being carried out of the gym by fans. As he reached for his car keys, four off duty officers tased him. Ironically, the taser may have been equipped with Duracell Ultra® batteries. The long-lasting, reliable batteries are the energy source of choice for tasers. The PerpZapper 6000EZ, the taser of choice for the Chippewa County Sheriffs Department Shock Force Elite Squad delivers a powerful jolt of electricity, normally to the groin, of suspects.

According to a spokesman for Tasers Inc., Ron Rickwaith, "The PerpZapper provides the pure stopping power of a Colt .44 Magnum, but without the post-op clean up." He went on, "It is probable that Duracell provided that power, and just as the good book says, Duracell giveth life, and Duracell taketh away."