Blond Bondshell

TKID4 here, back from an extended vacation exploring the finest spider holes Anbar province has to offer, thanks to a generous grant from the Kiegals Institute for Oriental Studies.

There's a new bond in town. James Bond, that is. Octagenerian Pierce Bro'ham has been replaced by a blond haired, blue eyed dashing metrosexual named Daniel something in the role of the world's most famous and syphillitic adled spy. The studios appear to be moving the Bond character towards a softer, more gentle world, where the secret agent is more adept at selecting velvet curtains than tunneling under iron ones. According to industry insiders, the former Bond Brosnan is upset at the manner in which studio execs notified him he was out. The Irish lothario whose four Bond film portrayals put $1.5 billion worth of Goldfinger's gold bullion into the pockets of Hollywood underwriters was apparently canned over the course of one brief phone call. Brosnan reflected on the call from his yacht positioned off the coast of Gibraltar:

"I was polishing my shoes, which are themselves spy shoe phones, and when the L.A. suits rang me, telling me I was finished, out, fired...that sort of business, I told them to 'toss off' and I hung up and went back to polishing. Later that evening I went out for a cafe' and was unexpectedly accused of sporting blackface, as the polish from my shoe phones had masked my complexion. Needless to say, I covered my faux-pas by quipping that I had just come from a nighttime raid of the fortress of Dr. Goldfeld, which was partially true. It was more of a nighttime raid of my pantry for a box of goldfish."

While Brosnan was planning on taking the Bond character to an edgier, darker place, screenwriters plan on placing the new modern Bond in quirky scenarios where the emotional side of the middle aged single male will be explored. Rumors abound of a Bond who enters therapy after being slowly lowered by a rope into a shark tank one too many times. And when 007 contracts Mata Hari's revenge afer a particularly dicey covert-op in Guatemala, he is comforted by Raoul, a London florist who knows what it's like to have been loved, but to never have loved another.

Up from the Ashes

It is alive. Many apologies to our countless hordes of readers, all of whom have been wondering: "where is TKID's Blog?" The answers to this question are myriad. The abridged (and security-cleared) answer, however, is that Kiegels Enterprises, Inc., the company under which TKID's is a wholly-owned subsidiary, was involved in a high-level scrap with the Malaysian government. You see, our friends in Kuala Lumpur wanted their piece of the pie. But David Lopan, CEO of Kiegels and company mystic, is not to be messed with. Let's just say the Malaysians came out holding the short straw.

During this brief but intense clash with a third-world government TKID's Blog's main office was forced to shut down. Then, after we'd prevailed, we were detained to cash in on some of the no-bid contracts to hose down and clean out New Orleans - working shoulder-to-shoulder with Cheney's Halliburton boys. One thing we noticed during all of this hurricane hullabaloo was President Bush's moving comments when he first touched down in Mississippi after the hurricane. A snippet follows below:

"Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."

TID's Blog wants to do its part to correct this horrific act of God. Let's all work together to rebuild Trent's beachfront manse. To send your contribution to Kiegels Enterprises, which will help supervise construction at the site, please send your credit card donations to: david_lopan@hotmail.com