This just in, courtesy of the liberal media: our diplomats posted overseas can't speak foreign tongues. According to a report by the Government Accountability Office, high numbers of State Department employees fail to meet minimum language requirements. For example, the article states, 40 percent of the diplomats in Beijing can't speak Chinese (pronounced "chai-neeese") while 60 percent are dumbstruck when it comes to Arabic in both the Yemen and Egypt offices. Furthermore, the report found that the standards themselves are woefully inadequate.
Our response to this hand-ringing hub-bub: so the hell what? Americans speak English, of the American variety. If foreigners want to talk to us they best be learning the King's English with a healthy dollop of slang from the U.S. of A. Besides, how important are China or the Middle East to our national interests? Seriously. If any of those countries start feeling uppity, all we have to do is whip outour Stealth Bombers, Navy SEALS, and M1-Abrams.
Here's how a diplomatic negotiation could (and should) go in Beijing:
Xo Ding-Dong Mao, Chinese under-under secretary of foreign affairs: "Tsing-tao tai bo mee gooreng tsao kung pao?"
Ted Johnstone, U.S. deputy ambassador to China: "Hey Donger. I couldn't quite catch that. Would you like me to check in with Strategic Air Command back in Kansas city for a translation? No? I didn't think so."
Aug 11, 2006
Aug 10, 2006
Back from the war on fascism
Greetings and salutations. TKid4 here. From all of us here at TKid's Blog please accept our sincere apologies for the long dormancy of this blog. We know from our sophisticated blog software here in our Kuala Lumpur HQ that many of you, dear readers, logged onto the site each and every day. We can only imagine the looks of despair, writ large on all of your fat faces, when you saw time and time again that you would be deprived of brilliance emanating from The Lump'. Again, our apologies.
Rest assured that our absence was due to an important mission. Although we can't discuss specifics due to sensitive intelligence and the like, we were engaged in the most crucial of all tasks: defending America from Islamofascists.
On that note, we're glad to see that President George W. Bush has finally summoned the courage to call our nation's enemies by their true names: fascists, of the Islamic variety. Now, there has long been a taboo attached to political leaders' use of this term, and particularly in tandem with referring to a particular religion. Additionally, some misguided America-haters argue that the term is simplistic, innacurate, and stupid sounding when applied to global terror syndicates; that those speaking the term sound like a hippie doofus in a low-watt comedy flick: "Dean Pemberton, you're like a total fascist pig!"
This argument is pure hooey. Yes, fascism revolves around nationalism, a centralized goverment, a dictator, and the suppression of religion. And sure, Al Queda is a shadowy collective of religious fundamentalists who operate across and outside of national borders. We'll give you yellow-bellied pansies those points. But what you forget is that they are EVIL. So were the Nazis. Enough said. Case closed.
Thank goodness for our fellow conservative bloggers like Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson of LGF (both of whom are close personal friends of TKidBlog's CEO, David LoPan) who have trotted out the "Islamofascist" appellation whenever possible, keeping it alive until the Bush Administration pulled its head out of its ass. Finally, today, President Bush referred to "Islamic fascists" during a press conference address about the airliner attacks foiled by the Brits. (Click here to watch. Ignore his awkward diction as he belts out the term, which makes him sound like he's chewing on marbles. Nobody's perfect.)
Although today is clearly one to celebrate our limey friends across the pond, we must be wary of their innate namby pamby tendencies. Just the other day Tony Blair gave a speech in which he laid out the Global War on Terror as a war of "values" and ideas, in which the enemy, to both moderate Islam and the Western world is one of "extremism." What a crock. Yo, Blair, it's a war in which the guys with the biggest guns, better deity (Jesus rules!), and, frankly, biggest balls will prevail. USA, baby.
Rest assured that our absence was due to an important mission. Although we can't discuss specifics due to sensitive intelligence and the like, we were engaged in the most crucial of all tasks: defending America from Islamofascists.
On that note, we're glad to see that President George W. Bush has finally summoned the courage to call our nation's enemies by their true names: fascists, of the Islamic variety. Now, there has long been a taboo attached to political leaders' use of this term, and particularly in tandem with referring to a particular religion. Additionally, some misguided America-haters argue that the term is simplistic, innacurate, and stupid sounding when applied to global terror syndicates; that those speaking the term sound like a hippie doofus in a low-watt comedy flick: "Dean Pemberton, you're like a total fascist pig!"
This argument is pure hooey. Yes, fascism revolves around nationalism, a centralized goverment, a dictator, and the suppression of religion. And sure, Al Queda is a shadowy collective of religious fundamentalists who operate across and outside of national borders. We'll give you yellow-bellied pansies those points. But what you forget is that they are EVIL. So were the Nazis. Enough said. Case closed.
Thank goodness for our fellow conservative bloggers like Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson of LGF (both of whom are close personal friends of TKidBlog's CEO, David LoPan) who have trotted out the "Islamofascist" appellation whenever possible, keeping it alive until the Bush Administration pulled its head out of its ass. Finally, today, President Bush referred to "Islamic fascists" during a press conference address about the airliner attacks foiled by the Brits. (Click here to watch. Ignore his awkward diction as he belts out the term, which makes him sound like he's chewing on marbles. Nobody's perfect.)
Although today is clearly one to celebrate our limey friends across the pond, we must be wary of their innate namby pamby tendencies. Just the other day Tony Blair gave a speech in which he laid out the Global War on Terror as a war of "values" and ideas, in which the enemy, to both moderate Islam and the Western world is one of "extremism." What a crock. Yo, Blair, it's a war in which the guys with the biggest guns, better deity (Jesus rules!), and, frankly, biggest balls will prevail. USA, baby.
May 4, 2006
Al-Qaeda's Funniest Home Videos
Recently discovered video, showing Abu Musab Zarqawi firing a large machine gun in the desert, was leaked/released by the U.S. Defense Department, along with an editorial by Pentagon Officials who found the video outtakes of previously circulated propaganda videos to demonstrate inept military activity on the part of the Al-Qaeda leader.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, spokesman for U.S.-led forces in Iraq, pointed out that the video showed Zarqawi's deputy burning his hand by grabbing the red-hot metal barrel of a just-fired machine-gun. He added that "[The video shows] Zarqawi, the ultimate warrior, trying to shoot off his machine gun. It's supposed to be automatic fire; he's shooting single shots." The Pentagon was also quick to point out that Al-Zarqawi was wearing western-style tennis shoes.
Maj.Gen. Lynch did not comment on the roadside bomb in south-central Baghdad killed two U.S. soldiers on May 4th, nor did he address statistics that suggest the "inept" Al-Qaeda has been directly responsible for the deaths of over 1000 U.S. Servicemen.
While the U.S. has amassed and published an entire library of videos showing Al-Zarqawi engaged in various activities in and around Iraq, strangely, they have yet to broadcast to the American people the video showing his capture by U.S. forces.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, spokesman for U.S.-led forces in Iraq, pointed out that the video showed Zarqawi's deputy burning his hand by grabbing the red-hot metal barrel of a just-fired machine-gun. He added that "[The video shows] Zarqawi, the ultimate warrior, trying to shoot off his machine gun. It's supposed to be automatic fire; he's shooting single shots." The Pentagon was also quick to point out that Al-Zarqawi was wearing western-style tennis shoes.
Maj.Gen. Lynch did not comment on the roadside bomb in south-central Baghdad killed two U.S. soldiers on May 4th, nor did he address statistics that suggest the "inept" Al-Qaeda has been directly responsible for the deaths of over 1000 U.S. Servicemen.
While the U.S. has amassed and published an entire library of videos showing Al-Zarqawi engaged in various activities in and around Iraq, strangely, they have yet to broadcast to the American people the video showing his capture by U.S. forces.
Feb 14, 2006
The Odyssey and the Idiot
The GAO reported today that certain federal Katrina and Rita relief funds were misused by storm victims. The accounting office describes its findings as “Purchases that did not appear necessary to satisfy immediate emergency needs.” While the definition of “immediate emergency needs” appears unqualified, the schedule of illicit purchases reads more like a credit card receipt for a bachelor party than a disaster relief effort.
While the amounts in controversy, a paltry several thousand dollars, pale in comparison to the millions dispersed to the region’s storm-stricken residents, the GAO does expose what can happen when dollars, and not solutions, are thrown at a problem. However, despite the openness and candor of the report, the GAO failed to disclose in its findings that all of its identified suspect purchases contained in the released schedule were made by one individual, Theodore S. Kiegals of Baton Rouge, LA. According to unpublished reports and several incoherent interviews, Kiegals, an out of work roofer, left a trail of economic activity throughout the post-hurricane southern US, funded entirely through government issued debit cards in what Kiegals later described as “the search for the perfect cat tattoo.”
What little record there is of Kiegals before the hurricane season of 2005 is housed in court documents from New Orleans which indicate that he was arraigned in 1992 for impersonating an animal control officer to gain entry into a restricted area. The rest of Kiegals’ background comes from his own words. Kiegals apparently survived Hurricane Katrina by locking himself in his trailer closet and consuming crystal meth for three days straight. When he emerged, he had an intense desire to walk to the ocean, which he did, and ended up somewhere along the coastline on the Texas/Louisiana border. He was unconscious when Rita struck his beach shanty, having been involved in some type of brawl over a domestic dispute earlier in the day. When he awoke, he was standing in line at a federal relief station in Plano, TX. It was in that line that Kiegals luck would change, for the moment. Due to a clerical error, Kiegals was issued over $25,000 in debit cards by federal officials. Although he had never established a bank account, registered for a social security number, and possessed only a suspended driver’s license, Kiegals did have over thirty five major credit cards issued to him by U.S. banks, and so was familiar with the debit card concept. However, he lost almost $20,000 of his windfall in a dice game behind the relief station within 10 minutes of receiving the cards. Determined to save what was left of his fortune, he decided to invest a portion in a series of diversified instruments, beginning with jewelry. He spent an afternoon at a jewelry store where he was “treated like a man about town” and left with an engagement ring, which he still wears as an earring to this day. Kiegals doesn’t recall much of the next week he and a tramp named Roscoe spent traveling Texas, debit cards in hand. Trips to Dallas and Houston were marked by evenings at “Gentleman’s Clubs” and massage parlors. When funds began running low, the men centered their odyssey around the Dallas Green Motor Lodge, where a beer and porno mag binge carried them through a waning post-Katrina depression. It was at this time that Roscoe sketched a drawing on the motel bathroom wall of a cat lapping up water from a broken New Orleans levee. Inspired by the vision, Kiegals decided to purchase a tattoo of the drawing. Today, Kiegals proudly displays the tattoo on his back and comments that it and his engagement earring are the only things left of his adventures with Roscoe. But the story doesn’t end there. Kiegals and Roscoe returned to Louisiana after several arrest warrants were issued for them in relation to an incident that occurred in the men’s bathroom at the Astrodome. Roscoe was picked up by Louisiana police on an unrelated charge, and Kiegals bailed him out, causing his funds to run dangerously low. The two men parted ways, but not before Kiegals, after spending several days waiting for the government mandated handgun waiting period to expire, purchased a pistol for Roscoe, to help him “to fight the men who insult me in my dreams.” Kiegals, now alone and carrying a balance of approximately $1700, returned to his hometown of Baton Rouge and his live-in girlfriend Penelope. Because the state had recently begun its “It’s no jive, we card through 75” program, Kiegals needed to obtain a valid driver’s license in order to frequent his favorite drinking establishments. After spending $700 to clear up years of fines and parking tickets, he was admitted to the Argosy Casino. It was here where the adventure ended. Kiegals, unfamiliar with the newly installed ATM machines at the casino, mistakenly thought they were gambling machines, and proceeded to “lose” his remaining stake of $1000. Fast forward to February 2006 where Kiegals lives alone in his trailer, Penelope having left him to join the U.S. Army. Kiegals himself washed out of basic training when army officials realized his entry physical, recently outsourced to a private company, failed to reveal the seven various std’s he had contracted on the bus to Ft. Benning. Today he is friendless, his only communication with the outside world being conducted with Roscoe, now wanted by several Federal agencies, through thinly veiled secret messages in Auto Trader magazines. He has been unemployed since the late nineties, but blames the storms of ’05 for his situation. In his most recent interview, he lamented “Well, as you well know, it is difficult to find a job as a roofer in these parts now a days.” At nights he stares at the ceiling and wonders what the later summer of 2006 will bring.
While the amounts in controversy, a paltry several thousand dollars, pale in comparison to the millions dispersed to the region’s storm-stricken residents, the GAO does expose what can happen when dollars, and not solutions, are thrown at a problem. However, despite the openness and candor of the report, the GAO failed to disclose in its findings that all of its identified suspect purchases contained in the released schedule were made by one individual, Theodore S. Kiegals of Baton Rouge, LA. According to unpublished reports and several incoherent interviews, Kiegals, an out of work roofer, left a trail of economic activity throughout the post-hurricane southern US, funded entirely through government issued debit cards in what Kiegals later described as “the search for the perfect cat tattoo.”
What little record there is of Kiegals before the hurricane season of 2005 is housed in court documents from New Orleans which indicate that he was arraigned in 1992 for impersonating an animal control officer to gain entry into a restricted area. The rest of Kiegals’ background comes from his own words. Kiegals apparently survived Hurricane Katrina by locking himself in his trailer closet and consuming crystal meth for three days straight. When he emerged, he had an intense desire to walk to the ocean, which he did, and ended up somewhere along the coastline on the Texas/Louisiana border. He was unconscious when Rita struck his beach shanty, having been involved in some type of brawl over a domestic dispute earlier in the day. When he awoke, he was standing in line at a federal relief station in Plano, TX. It was in that line that Kiegals luck would change, for the moment. Due to a clerical error, Kiegals was issued over $25,000 in debit cards by federal officials. Although he had never established a bank account, registered for a social security number, and possessed only a suspended driver’s license, Kiegals did have over thirty five major credit cards issued to him by U.S. banks, and so was familiar with the debit card concept. However, he lost almost $20,000 of his windfall in a dice game behind the relief station within 10 minutes of receiving the cards. Determined to save what was left of his fortune, he decided to invest a portion in a series of diversified instruments, beginning with jewelry. He spent an afternoon at a jewelry store where he was “treated like a man about town” and left with an engagement ring, which he still wears as an earring to this day. Kiegals doesn’t recall much of the next week he and a tramp named Roscoe spent traveling Texas, debit cards in hand. Trips to Dallas and Houston were marked by evenings at “Gentleman’s Clubs” and massage parlors. When funds began running low, the men centered their odyssey around the Dallas Green Motor Lodge, where a beer and porno mag binge carried them through a waning post-Katrina depression. It was at this time that Roscoe sketched a drawing on the motel bathroom wall of a cat lapping up water from a broken New Orleans levee. Inspired by the vision, Kiegals decided to purchase a tattoo of the drawing. Today, Kiegals proudly displays the tattoo on his back and comments that it and his engagement earring are the only things left of his adventures with Roscoe. But the story doesn’t end there. Kiegals and Roscoe returned to Louisiana after several arrest warrants were issued for them in relation to an incident that occurred in the men’s bathroom at the Astrodome. Roscoe was picked up by Louisiana police on an unrelated charge, and Kiegals bailed him out, causing his funds to run dangerously low. The two men parted ways, but not before Kiegals, after spending several days waiting for the government mandated handgun waiting period to expire, purchased a pistol for Roscoe, to help him “to fight the men who insult me in my dreams.” Kiegals, now alone and carrying a balance of approximately $1700, returned to his hometown of Baton Rouge and his live-in girlfriend Penelope. Because the state had recently begun its “It’s no jive, we card through 75” program, Kiegals needed to obtain a valid driver’s license in order to frequent his favorite drinking establishments. After spending $700 to clear up years of fines and parking tickets, he was admitted to the Argosy Casino. It was here where the adventure ended. Kiegals, unfamiliar with the newly installed ATM machines at the casino, mistakenly thought they were gambling machines, and proceeded to “lose” his remaining stake of $1000. Fast forward to February 2006 where Kiegals lives alone in his trailer, Penelope having left him to join the U.S. Army. Kiegals himself washed out of basic training when army officials realized his entry physical, recently outsourced to a private company, failed to reveal the seven various std’s he had contracted on the bus to Ft. Benning. Today he is friendless, his only communication with the outside world being conducted with Roscoe, now wanted by several Federal agencies, through thinly veiled secret messages in Auto Trader magazines. He has been unemployed since the late nineties, but blames the storms of ’05 for his situation. In his most recent interview, he lamented “Well, as you well know, it is difficult to find a job as a roofer in these parts now a days.” At nights he stares at the ceiling and wonders what the later summer of 2006 will bring.
Jan 12, 2006
Stardust Memories
At this moment, our tax dollars are causing a spacecraft to speed towards earth carrying several ounces of "comet dust." It's destination is a Utah desert floor, time of impact, early Sunday.
The Stardust spacecraft took off from earth during the Clinton Administration and has spent its formative years collecting dust and carbon-based samples whilst plunging though the tails of comets.
According to our friends at CNN, "If all goes as planned, Stardust will release the 100-lb. capsule carrying the samples at 1 a.m. ET on Sunday. It would enter Earth's atmosphere about four hours later and parachute to the ground in Utah at 5:12 a.m. ET."
On the other hand, if some things don't go according to plan, you might wind up with a spacecraft in your backyard or worse yet, an Andromeda Strain type dried comet jizz dusting your Taos rooftop.
Granted, comet dust is not on my list of allergies at the moment, but why risk bringing a potentially deadly strain of space clap to mother earth? Science at times enjoys certain missteps which cross the line between the search for knowledge and impending doom. A good example would be the medical supply company that included among its teaching sample kits which it distributed around the globe a vial of Bubonic Plague.
I may be chicken little in this instance, but then again, I was against the importation of moon rocks, and as a very reliable source has disclosed to me, Apollo 14's cargo of critter-laden pumace almost cost man his seat of dominance on this blue planet.
The Stardust spacecraft took off from earth during the Clinton Administration and has spent its formative years collecting dust and carbon-based samples whilst plunging though the tails of comets.
According to our friends at CNN, "If all goes as planned, Stardust will release the 100-lb. capsule carrying the samples at 1 a.m. ET on Sunday. It would enter Earth's atmosphere about four hours later and parachute to the ground in Utah at 5:12 a.m. ET."
On the other hand, if some things don't go according to plan, you might wind up with a spacecraft in your backyard or worse yet, an Andromeda Strain type dried comet jizz dusting your Taos rooftop.
Granted, comet dust is not on my list of allergies at the moment, but why risk bringing a potentially deadly strain of space clap to mother earth? Science at times enjoys certain missteps which cross the line between the search for knowledge and impending doom. A good example would be the medical supply company that included among its teaching sample kits which it distributed around the globe a vial of Bubonic Plague.
I may be chicken little in this instance, but then again, I was against the importation of moon rocks, and as a very reliable source has disclosed to me, Apollo 14's cargo of critter-laden pumace almost cost man his seat of dominance on this blue planet.
Jan 9, 2006
Troop Strength
The liberal news media today reported that Paul Bremer, while serving as head of the provisional government in Iraq, asked Donald Rumsfeld to triple the amount of troops stationed in Iraq -- from 145,000 to over 500,000.
Although there are those who will gleefully see news of the squabble as evidence of a poorly-run war, TKID4 begs to differ. First of all, anyone touting such a theory would sit idly by as the terrorists and, perhaps, Cubans, parachute down to our beloved country, take over high schools, and machine gun innocent math teachers. Not us at TKid's blog. We will stand firm.
Besides, look at the two parties behind this debate. The qualifications of one, Bremer (or, rather, Louis Paul Bremer III), seem to revolve his fluency in French and his having attended a university in Gay Paris -- that's in France. Louis Paul the Third is a pencil-neck geek.
On the other hand, Rummy, he of the flinty gaze and chiseled features, is a former Naval Aviator. In a word: bad-ass.
Although there are those who will gleefully see news of the squabble as evidence of a poorly-run war, TKID4 begs to differ. First of all, anyone touting such a theory would sit idly by as the terrorists and, perhaps, Cubans, parachute down to our beloved country, take over high schools, and machine gun innocent math teachers. Not us at TKid's blog. We will stand firm.
Besides, look at the two parties behind this debate. The qualifications of one, Bremer (or, rather, Louis Paul Bremer III), seem to revolve his fluency in French and his having attended a university in Gay Paris -- that's in France. Louis Paul the Third is a pencil-neck geek.
On the other hand, Rummy, he of the flinty gaze and chiseled features, is a former Naval Aviator. In a word: bad-ass.
Jan 4, 2006
Corporate Sponsorship
TKID7 is happy to report that his six month long sales trip throughout SE Asia is paying off. We have entered final contractual negotiations with a confidential party to sponsor the Tkid's Blog in exchange for our site linking to http://www.keepdelayfree.com.
In other news, I am just now getting filled in on the world's events, as the Russian trawler I called home during my trip lacked any means of communication other than my Cingular wireless phone. Nothing much has changed, except that I am surprised to see Ohio Rep. Bob Ney is in some sort of scandal involving bribes and such. I can remember answering his call to arms last year and boycotting all things French. I am still at it too, which really cost me on my trip. My trawler's maps were about 50 years old, and when we encountered the coastline of French Indochine, I was forced to ride out the night in a dingy whilst my compadres lived it up on shore, lest I betray the oath I swore to Ney. Later that week, I was arrested when Burmese officials discovered I was sleeping on 500 pounds of China White. I was released soon after however, no doubt due to the benevolence of my sponsor, David LoPan, CEO of the Wing Kong Exchange. In exchange, I have sworn to continue my work on Tkid's Blog. And to that end, I must leave for now, and read six months worth of US Weekly's and examine some new type of internet phenomenon called "Myspace."
In other news, I am just now getting filled in on the world's events, as the Russian trawler I called home during my trip lacked any means of communication other than my Cingular wireless phone. Nothing much has changed, except that I am surprised to see Ohio Rep. Bob Ney is in some sort of scandal involving bribes and such. I can remember answering his call to arms last year and boycotting all things French. I am still at it too, which really cost me on my trip. My trawler's maps were about 50 years old, and when we encountered the coastline of French Indochine, I was forced to ride out the night in a dingy whilst my compadres lived it up on shore, lest I betray the oath I swore to Ney. Later that week, I was arrested when Burmese officials discovered I was sleeping on 500 pounds of China White. I was released soon after however, no doubt due to the benevolence of my sponsor, David LoPan, CEO of the Wing Kong Exchange. In exchange, I have sworn to continue my work on Tkid's Blog. And to that end, I must leave for now, and read six months worth of US Weekly's and examine some new type of internet phenomenon called "Myspace."
Dec 2, 2005
from the depths
greetings good readers. timothy ricketts here (a.k.a. kid 4). for many moons now my keyboard has been stilled, sittling idly as the cracker jack crumbs slowly fossilize between the keys. while my superiors (particularly company mystic david lopan) would rather i share with you a tale of my recent months that includes swashbuckling adventures in the name of global commerce, perhaps with a dash of mercenary bravery defending the american way, i can do no such thing. it just wouldn't be right. in truth, i've been to the bottom of an extremely deep bottle - many times over. however, as we all know, great things come for a true bender. although i have a constant ringing in my ears and pain in my liver region, i feel as if i've found great wisdom. i'd impart some of it here, but i'm too hungover to make the words come out.
let's face it people, without the leadership that could only be provided by the one-and-only tkid, this blog will flounder. so if you've seen him, in all of his radiant socal splendor, tell him we need him here. lead us, tkid. the blogosphere just isn't the same without you.
let's face it people, without the leadership that could only be provided by the one-and-only tkid, this blog will flounder. so if you've seen him, in all of his radiant socal splendor, tell him we need him here. lead us, tkid. the blogosphere just isn't the same without you.
Oct 11, 2005
Blond Bondshell
TKID4 here, back from an extended vacation exploring the finest spider holes Anbar province has to offer, thanks to a generous grant from the Kiegals Institute for Oriental Studies.
There's a new bond in town. James Bond, that is. Octagenerian Pierce Bro'ham has been replaced by a blond haired, blue eyed dashing metrosexual named Daniel something in the role of the world's most famous and syphillitic adled spy. The studios appear to be moving the Bond character towards a softer, more gentle world, where the secret agent is more adept at selecting velvet curtains than tunneling under iron ones. According to industry insiders, the former Bond Brosnan is upset at the manner in which studio execs notified him he was out. The Irish lothario whose four Bond film portrayals put $1.5 billion worth of Goldfinger's gold bullion into the pockets of Hollywood underwriters was apparently canned over the course of one brief phone call. Brosnan reflected on the call from his yacht positioned off the coast of Gibraltar:
"I was polishing my shoes, which are themselves spy shoe phones, and when the L.A. suits rang me, telling me I was finished, out, fired...that sort of business, I told them to 'toss off' and I hung up and went back to polishing. Later that evening I went out for a cafe' and was unexpectedly accused of sporting blackface, as the polish from my shoe phones had masked my complexion. Needless to say, I covered my faux-pas by quipping that I had just come from a nighttime raid of the fortress of Dr. Goldfeld, which was partially true. It was more of a nighttime raid of my pantry for a box of goldfish."
While Brosnan was planning on taking the Bond character to an edgier, darker place, screenwriters plan on placing the new modern Bond in quirky scenarios where the emotional side of the middle aged single male will be explored. Rumors abound of a Bond who enters therapy after being slowly lowered by a rope into a shark tank one too many times. And when 007 contracts Mata Hari's revenge afer a particularly dicey covert-op in Guatemala, he is comforted by Raoul, a London florist who knows what it's like to have been loved, but to never have loved another.
There's a new bond in town. James Bond, that is. Octagenerian Pierce Bro'ham has been replaced by a blond haired, blue eyed dashing metrosexual named Daniel something in the role of the world's most famous and syphillitic adled spy. The studios appear to be moving the Bond character towards a softer, more gentle world, where the secret agent is more adept at selecting velvet curtains than tunneling under iron ones. According to industry insiders, the former Bond Brosnan is upset at the manner in which studio execs notified him he was out. The Irish lothario whose four Bond film portrayals put $1.5 billion worth of Goldfinger's gold bullion into the pockets of Hollywood underwriters was apparently canned over the course of one brief phone call. Brosnan reflected on the call from his yacht positioned off the coast of Gibraltar:
"I was polishing my shoes, which are themselves spy shoe phones, and when the L.A. suits rang me, telling me I was finished, out, fired...that sort of business, I told them to 'toss off' and I hung up and went back to polishing. Later that evening I went out for a cafe' and was unexpectedly accused of sporting blackface, as the polish from my shoe phones had masked my complexion. Needless to say, I covered my faux-pas by quipping that I had just come from a nighttime raid of the fortress of Dr. Goldfeld, which was partially true. It was more of a nighttime raid of my pantry for a box of goldfish."
While Brosnan was planning on taking the Bond character to an edgier, darker place, screenwriters plan on placing the new modern Bond in quirky scenarios where the emotional side of the middle aged single male will be explored. Rumors abound of a Bond who enters therapy after being slowly lowered by a rope into a shark tank one too many times. And when 007 contracts Mata Hari's revenge afer a particularly dicey covert-op in Guatemala, he is comforted by Raoul, a London florist who knows what it's like to have been loved, but to never have loved another.
Oct 5, 2005
Up from the Ashes
It is alive. Many apologies to our countless hordes of readers, all of whom have been wondering: "where is TKID's Blog?" The answers to this question are myriad. The abridged (and security-cleared) answer, however, is that Kiegels Enterprises, Inc., the company under which TKID's is a wholly-owned subsidiary, was involved in a high-level scrap with the Malaysian government. You see, our friends in Kuala Lumpur wanted their piece of the pie. But David Lopan, CEO of Kiegels and company mystic, is not to be messed with. Let's just say the Malaysians came out holding the short straw.
During this brief but intense clash with a third-world government TKID's Blog's main office was forced to shut down. Then, after we'd prevailed, we were detained to cash in on some of the no-bid contracts to hose down and clean out New Orleans - working shoulder-to-shoulder with Cheney's Halliburton boys. One thing we noticed during all of this hurricane hullabaloo was President Bush's moving comments when he first touched down in Mississippi after the hurricane. A snippet follows below:
"Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."
TID's Blog wants to do its part to correct this horrific act of God. Let's all work together to rebuild Trent's beachfront manse. To send your contribution to Kiegels Enterprises, which will help supervise construction at the site, please send your credit card donations to: david_lopan@hotmail.com
During this brief but intense clash with a third-world government TKID's Blog's main office was forced to shut down. Then, after we'd prevailed, we were detained to cash in on some of the no-bid contracts to hose down and clean out New Orleans - working shoulder-to-shoulder with Cheney's Halliburton boys. One thing we noticed during all of this hurricane hullabaloo was President Bush's moving comments when he first touched down in Mississippi after the hurricane. A snippet follows below:
"Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."
TID's Blog wants to do its part to correct this horrific act of God. Let's all work together to rebuild Trent's beachfront manse. To send your contribution to Kiegels Enterprises, which will help supervise construction at the site, please send your credit card donations to: david_lopan@hotmail.com
Jul 6, 2005
Liberal Media Spanking
Today, in one of the clearest signs to date that freedom is on the march, a reporter from the America-hating New York Times was by federal marshals to an Alexandria jail, where she will serve time in the same facility as a famous suspected terrorist and other miscreants. Good riddance, we say.
The case has riled liberals and their pack of elite, effete spokespeople: the media. It began when a conservative columnist, Robert Novak, in an op-ed outed the CIA wife of a known Bush-hater. An investigation was begun into the illegal outing of the agent, with most speculation leading to the culprit being a Bush Adminstation official. Judith Miller of the NYTimes, who did not write about the agent but apparently learned her identity, refused to cooperate with the investigation and was today sent to jail by a federal judge.
The issue here is that the news media has become obvious opponents of this government. Anything that will make the media struggle to achieve its wrongheaded ends is good by me. Miller, the NYTimes and other mainstream media outlets are always trying to catch President Bush and other Republicans, who run all branches of our government, in some sort of perceived wrongdoing. Why don't they ask questions about all the good things Bush and Co. are accomplishing?
Here are a few examples of stories Miller could have written (that might have helped keep her out of jail):
* A feature article on all the Iraqis who love us.
* A story about the toughest medical procedure Sen. Bill Frist ever performed.
* An article in which Sen Rick Santorum's ranks his favorite saints.
* Or, in an story which the NYTimes could run (but won't) tomorrow, about how after a bike-riding President Bush crashed into a Scottish police officer, who was also on a bike, old Bush dressed the guy's wounds and bought him a Scottish Ale. What a guy. How's that for international coverage?
The fact is, only lawyers, doctors and clergy deserve confidentiality rights under the law. Everybody loves lawyers and priests. But reporters? Hell, they're priests of the dark art of stabbing America in the back.
The case has riled liberals and their pack of elite, effete spokespeople: the media. It began when a conservative columnist, Robert Novak, in an op-ed outed the CIA wife of a known Bush-hater. An investigation was begun into the illegal outing of the agent, with most speculation leading to the culprit being a Bush Adminstation official. Judith Miller of the NYTimes, who did not write about the agent but apparently learned her identity, refused to cooperate with the investigation and was today sent to jail by a federal judge.
The issue here is that the news media has become obvious opponents of this government. Anything that will make the media struggle to achieve its wrongheaded ends is good by me. Miller, the NYTimes and other mainstream media outlets are always trying to catch President Bush and other Republicans, who run all branches of our government, in some sort of perceived wrongdoing. Why don't they ask questions about all the good things Bush and Co. are accomplishing?
Here are a few examples of stories Miller could have written (that might have helped keep her out of jail):
* A feature article on all the Iraqis who love us.
* A story about the toughest medical procedure Sen. Bill Frist ever performed.
* An article in which Sen Rick Santorum's ranks his favorite saints.
* Or, in an story which the NYTimes could run (but won't) tomorrow, about how after a bike-riding President Bush crashed into a Scottish police officer, who was also on a bike, old Bush dressed the guy's wounds and bought him a Scottish Ale. What a guy. How's that for international coverage?
The fact is, only lawyers, doctors and clergy deserve confidentiality rights under the law. Everybody loves lawyers and priests. But reporters? Hell, they're priests of the dark art of stabbing America in the back.
Jul 5, 2005
Bumper Crop
TKID4 remembers a traumatic incident in his childhood when his father and a passing motorist engaged in a profanity-laced exchange on the highway. TKID4 was six years old, and he and his family were on their way home from Thanksgiving Dinner. It occurred to this first grader that the inhibitions of people fade as they drive. Where one would not imagine cursing a passing person on the street or unleashing an air horn in the direction of a man and his family, motorists perform such feats instinctively and often without provocation. Country music singer/songwriter babe Chely Wright had a similar experience to that of TKID's and penned a top 10 song in response. The song is about an encounter Chely had with a fellow driver. TKID4 decided to analyze the lyrics of the highly popular jingle to see if he and Chely shared in common the wounds and healing that such a traffic confrontation induced trauma can cause. TKID4 discovered, no such comparisons existed. Here are the lyrics:
I've got a bright red sticker on the back of my car
Says United States Marines
And yesterday a lady in a mini-van held up a middle finger at me
Does she think she knows what I stand for
Or the things that I believe
Just by looking at a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- The opening stanza reveals a major assumption and arguably fatal flaw in Chely's opus. She assumes that the woman driver's motivation for shooting the bird is caused by the patriotic if caustic bumper sticker. Perhaps it was Chely's poor driving that started the confrontation. Perhaps the woman disagreed with Chely's choice of automobile, an SUV which many argue create the types of dependencies on foreign fossil fuels which necessitate U.S. military interventions overseas. Feminists should decry the stereotype this song reinforces regarding the ineptitude of women drivers. They should also lighten up.
See, my brother Chris, he's been in for more than 14 years now
Our dad was in the Navy during Vietnam
Did his duty then he got out
And my grandpa earned his purple heart
On the beach of Normandy
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Here Chely is quite defensive in justifying her use of the sticker. She is obviously proud of her family's military heritage, but strangely doesn't explicitly state that any of those members served in the Marines. We don't know where "Chris" is serving or in what capacity, but the vagueries of the statement lead TKID4 to think he may be in the Penn. "Dad" was in the Navy during Vietnam, but we don't know where he was stationed and if he actually served in the Vietnam area of operations, and Grandpa, while a battlefield hero, would have been in the Army or Navy if he served in the European theater in WWII, not in the Marines. There is also the cryptic line about her father doing his duty and then getting out. It is as if she is apologizing for him taking part in the Vietnam conflict and stressing that he had no choice and ceased as soon as he was able. TKID4 wonders how many U.S. servicepersons feel that way at present.
But that doesn't mean that I want war
I'm not Republican or Democrat
But I've gone all around this crazy world
Just to try and better understand
Yes, I do have questions
I get to ask them because I'm free
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- More anti-war rhetoric, and a disavowing of the U.S. two party system. TKID4 wonders if Chely is a member of the Green party, or maybe the Libertarians, or possibly the socialists, given her anti-Vietnam stance above. Perhaps she isn't registered to vote. But she has traveled the world in search of answers to her "questions." She discusses this more in the next anti-warish stanza.
'Cause I've been to Hiroshima
And I've been to the DMZ
I've walked on the sand in Baghdad
Still don't have all of the answers I need
But I guess I wanna know where she's been
Before she judges and gestures to me
'Cause she don't like my sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Is Chely speaking of her personal experiences or of the war record of Marines in these lyrics? The reference to Hiroshima appears to be a thinly veiled attack on U.S. war time policies. And if she is referring to the Korean peninsula DMZ, this might be an exposure of prior U.S. military failings. The overall theme is developing here of supporting the troops while questioning the war. However Chely's version has the pseudo-patriotic delivery that John Kerry lacked when grumbling the same message last fall. Before the straddling theme is totally developed, the writer jumps back into the cat fight with the minivan driver. There is the assumption, bordering on clinical paranoia, that Chely is being "judged" by this random person. This suspicion turns to homicidal rage below. A hint of things to come is found when Chely obsesses about the driver's background and "where she's been."
So I hope that lady in her mini-van
Turns on her radio and hears this from me
As she picks up her kids from their private school
And drives home safely on our city streets
Or to the building where her church group meets
Yeah, that's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Chely appears to know an awful lot of personal information on this random person. Has she been stalking this poor woman to learn her habits? I've heard of road rage but this is premeditation all the way. Chely knows about her family, where her children go to school, what church they attend. The record exec's may have forced her to drop the line, "And I won't stop until they are all dead." Either that or Chely is making the kind of assumptions about this woman based on the fact she is a female driving a mini van as this woman is accused of doing about the singer and her sticker.
I've got a bright red sticker on the back of my car
Says United States Marines
And yesterday a lady in a mini-van held up a middle finger at me
Does she think she knows what I stand for
Or the things that I believe
Just by looking at a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- The opening stanza reveals a major assumption and arguably fatal flaw in Chely's opus. She assumes that the woman driver's motivation for shooting the bird is caused by the patriotic if caustic bumper sticker. Perhaps it was Chely's poor driving that started the confrontation. Perhaps the woman disagreed with Chely's choice of automobile, an SUV which many argue create the types of dependencies on foreign fossil fuels which necessitate U.S. military interventions overseas. Feminists should decry the stereotype this song reinforces regarding the ineptitude of women drivers. They should also lighten up.
See, my brother Chris, he's been in for more than 14 years now
Our dad was in the Navy during Vietnam
Did his duty then he got out
And my grandpa earned his purple heart
On the beach of Normandy
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Here Chely is quite defensive in justifying her use of the sticker. She is obviously proud of her family's military heritage, but strangely doesn't explicitly state that any of those members served in the Marines. We don't know where "Chris" is serving or in what capacity, but the vagueries of the statement lead TKID4 to think he may be in the Penn. "Dad" was in the Navy during Vietnam, but we don't know where he was stationed and if he actually served in the Vietnam area of operations, and Grandpa, while a battlefield hero, would have been in the Army or Navy if he served in the European theater in WWII, not in the Marines. There is also the cryptic line about her father doing his duty and then getting out. It is as if she is apologizing for him taking part in the Vietnam conflict and stressing that he had no choice and ceased as soon as he was able. TKID4 wonders how many U.S. servicepersons feel that way at present.
But that doesn't mean that I want war
I'm not Republican or Democrat
But I've gone all around this crazy world
Just to try and better understand
Yes, I do have questions
I get to ask them because I'm free
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- More anti-war rhetoric, and a disavowing of the U.S. two party system. TKID4 wonders if Chely is a member of the Green party, or maybe the Libertarians, or possibly the socialists, given her anti-Vietnam stance above. Perhaps she isn't registered to vote. But she has traveled the world in search of answers to her "questions." She discusses this more in the next anti-warish stanza.
'Cause I've been to Hiroshima
And I've been to the DMZ
I've walked on the sand in Baghdad
Still don't have all of the answers I need
But I guess I wanna know where she's been
Before she judges and gestures to me
'Cause she don't like my sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Is Chely speaking of her personal experiences or of the war record of Marines in these lyrics? The reference to Hiroshima appears to be a thinly veiled attack on U.S. war time policies. And if she is referring to the Korean peninsula DMZ, this might be an exposure of prior U.S. military failings. The overall theme is developing here of supporting the troops while questioning the war. However Chely's version has the pseudo-patriotic delivery that John Kerry lacked when grumbling the same message last fall. Before the straddling theme is totally developed, the writer jumps back into the cat fight with the minivan driver. There is the assumption, bordering on clinical paranoia, that Chely is being "judged" by this random person. This suspicion turns to homicidal rage below. A hint of things to come is found when Chely obsesses about the driver's background and "where she's been."
So I hope that lady in her mini-van
Turns on her radio and hears this from me
As she picks up her kids from their private school
And drives home safely on our city streets
Or to the building where her church group meets
Yeah, that's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV
- Chely appears to know an awful lot of personal information on this random person. Has she been stalking this poor woman to learn her habits? I've heard of road rage but this is premeditation all the way. Chely knows about her family, where her children go to school, what church they attend. The record exec's may have forced her to drop the line, "And I won't stop until they are all dead." Either that or Chely is making the kind of assumptions about this woman based on the fact she is a female driving a mini van as this woman is accused of doing about the singer and her sticker.
Jul 1, 2005
Gandhi Bashing
Liberals and their lackeys, those jackals in the media, are pouncing over Henry Kissinger today after more trancripts from the massive audio tape archives of former president Richard Nixon were released.
The taped conversation between Nixon and Kissinger took place in 1971, when Kissinger was U.S. Secretary of State. Apparently the PC-obsessed leftwingers think old Henry's language was a bit strong. Snippets from the discussion, which focused on India's then president, Indira Gandhi, and that country's march to war over Bangladesh, follow below.
"We really slobbered over the old witch," says President Nixon said of Gandhi.
"The Indians are bastards anyway," says Mr Kissinger. "They are starting a war there."
He adds: "While she was a bitch, we got what we wanted too. She will not be able to go home and say that the United States didn't give her a warm reception and therefore in despair she's got to go to war."
This controversy is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot and an attempt by weak-willed liberals to bash the legacy of a truly great man. First of all, its Dr. Kissinger, dammit. The man was trying to accomplish amazing things, like stopping the insidious spread of Communism. If some Indian president lady had to get trashed in the process, so the heck what?
The below, also taken from the tapes, has further raised hackles.
Kissinger: They are the most aggressive goddamn people around there.
Nixon: The Indians?
Kissinger: Yeah.
Nixon: Sure.
OK, seriously, who can challenge the accuracy of this exchange? Indians are aggressive. Look at Indira Gandhi's predecessor, Mahatma Gandhi. Don't let Hollywood's liberal-tainted portrayal of that wildman fool you. Nonviolent my ass. Gandhi would punch you in the face as soon as look at you. Always tapping around with that cane, what a charade. The cane, as conservative bloggers have conclusively proven, contained a high-powered rifle and various torture devices. Now, Dr. Kissinger was a great thinker. But George W. is cut from a tougher metal. If he had been around to deal with Gandhi or his uppity successor, well, you can bet freedom would have been on the march in the Indian subcontinent.
The taped conversation between Nixon and Kissinger took place in 1971, when Kissinger was U.S. Secretary of State. Apparently the PC-obsessed leftwingers think old Henry's language was a bit strong. Snippets from the discussion, which focused on India's then president, Indira Gandhi, and that country's march to war over Bangladesh, follow below.
"We really slobbered over the old witch," says President Nixon said of Gandhi.
"The Indians are bastards anyway," says Mr Kissinger. "They are starting a war there."
He adds: "While she was a bitch, we got what we wanted too. She will not be able to go home and say that the United States didn't give her a warm reception and therefore in despair she's got to go to war."
This controversy is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot and an attempt by weak-willed liberals to bash the legacy of a truly great man. First of all, its Dr. Kissinger, dammit. The man was trying to accomplish amazing things, like stopping the insidious spread of Communism. If some Indian president lady had to get trashed in the process, so the heck what?
The below, also taken from the tapes, has further raised hackles.
Kissinger: They are the most aggressive goddamn people around there.
Nixon: The Indians?
Kissinger: Yeah.
Nixon: Sure.
OK, seriously, who can challenge the accuracy of this exchange? Indians are aggressive. Look at Indira Gandhi's predecessor, Mahatma Gandhi. Don't let Hollywood's liberal-tainted portrayal of that wildman fool you. Nonviolent my ass. Gandhi would punch you in the face as soon as look at you. Always tapping around with that cane, what a charade. The cane, as conservative bloggers have conclusively proven, contained a high-powered rifle and various torture devices. Now, Dr. Kissinger was a great thinker. But George W. is cut from a tougher metal. If he had been around to deal with Gandhi or his uppity successor, well, you can bet freedom would have been on the march in the Indian subcontinent.
Jun 29, 2005
Call to Arms
Last night, while TKID5 was sipping a Corona on his couch, he listened as President Bush extolled the progress of our nation's toils in Iraq, urging patience and resolve. It was a hell of a speech. One aspect, however, stuck in this kid's craw:
"To those considering military service, there is no higher calling than service in the armed forces," Bush said.
The president's pitch for signing-up had a profound effect on me. Of course I'm a true patriot, having supported the war from the get-go. But, am I doing enough for the cause? Is my yellow ribbon bumper sticker proof that I'm a good American?
Yes. It is. Now see, in this, the world's greatest country, some people are meant to do the fighting while others take care of business on the home front. I'm one of those cats with an uncanny knack with numbers and schmoozing, which means my place in life is earning the big bucks, then watching them trickle down, helping our economy and the war effort.
This philosophy is not unique. In fact, many conservative heroes have espoused similar arguments for taking a pass on military service, most notable VP Cheney, who said he had "other priorities" during Vietnam and Tom DeLay, who famously remarked that ceding his slot during that war to a less lucky man was a charitable act, by giving a leg up to someone from those lower classes. Good on them, I say.
Now, if I could swing a deal like President Bush did back in 'Nam, that would be a different story. I'd love to fly a sweet jet like the F-102 Delta Dagger: http://www.wpafb.af.mil/museum/air_power/ap54.htm, as long as I could confine that service to the odd weekend here and there, while still being able to enjoy the night life, as did Bush. During the war, the future president and tough guy Texan lived in a deluxe apartment complex called Chateau Dijon, complete with a huge swimming pool, and often rolled around Houston in his Triumph, slaying the ladies. That's living. (The bachelor's tale: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/6482734?pageid=rs.Politics&pageregion=single4)
But, alas, the part-time fighter jock gig isn't what you get when you sign up for the national guard or the reserve these days. Word is, practically as soon as they scribble their John Hanckocks, today's reservists are handed a rifle and dropped down on the streets of Mosul or Fallujah. No thanks. Besides, my country needs me here. Did I mention that I have a yellow ribbon bumper sticker on SUV?
"To those considering military service, there is no higher calling than service in the armed forces," Bush said.
The president's pitch for signing-up had a profound effect on me. Of course I'm a true patriot, having supported the war from the get-go. But, am I doing enough for the cause? Is my yellow ribbon bumper sticker proof that I'm a good American?
Yes. It is. Now see, in this, the world's greatest country, some people are meant to do the fighting while others take care of business on the home front. I'm one of those cats with an uncanny knack with numbers and schmoozing, which means my place in life is earning the big bucks, then watching them trickle down, helping our economy and the war effort.
This philosophy is not unique. In fact, many conservative heroes have espoused similar arguments for taking a pass on military service, most notable VP Cheney, who said he had "other priorities" during Vietnam and Tom DeLay, who famously remarked that ceding his slot during that war to a less lucky man was a charitable act, by giving a leg up to someone from those lower classes. Good on them, I say.
Now, if I could swing a deal like President Bush did back in 'Nam, that would be a different story. I'd love to fly a sweet jet like the F-102 Delta Dagger: http://www.wpafb.af.mil/museum/air_power/ap54.htm, as long as I could confine that service to the odd weekend here and there, while still being able to enjoy the night life, as did Bush. During the war, the future president and tough guy Texan lived in a deluxe apartment complex called Chateau Dijon, complete with a huge swimming pool, and often rolled around Houston in his Triumph, slaying the ladies. That's living. (The bachelor's tale: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/6482734?pageid=rs.Politics&pageregion=single4)
But, alas, the part-time fighter jock gig isn't what you get when you sign up for the national guard or the reserve these days. Word is, practically as soon as they scribble their John Hanckocks, today's reservists are handed a rifle and dropped down on the streets of Mosul or Fallujah. No thanks. Besides, my country needs me here. Did I mention that I have a yellow ribbon bumper sticker on SUV?
Jun 28, 2005
God-Lovers At Their Finest
TKID5 is all for protesting the tyranny of secularism. But a conservative group's random protest on Monday of the funeral of a soldier killed in Iraq seems to go a bit far. In fact, I have no clue what this group, under the leadership of their God-like leader, Rev. Fred Phelps, are trying to say. The good Reverend hates gays. That much is clear. He blames our nation's "tolerance" of gays for the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Therefore, he is taking his group to protest the funerals of soldiers -- non-gay soldiers -- who are killed in the war in Iraq. The following quote, taken from an LA Times story, is their explanation for protesting outside of a soldier's funeral that was held in Massachusetts on Monday.
"We are protesting the sins of this nation," Phelps-Roper [a lawyer for the group] said. "That doesn't exclude him."
OK.
Apparently the local police department's bagpipe band drowned out the protesters when they'd pipe up with their little slogans.
"We are protesting the sins of this nation," Phelps-Roper [a lawyer for the group] said. "That doesn't exclude him."
OK.
Apparently the local police department's bagpipe band drowned out the protesters when they'd pipe up with their little slogans.
Jun 24, 2005
Back to War
To all of my readers, both of you, my deepest apologies. TKID's Blog has indeed been dormant of late, like a liquor store on a Sunday morning, and I have little excuse. Nonetheless, I will hazard one. The One And Only TKID recently paid me, and the fine ladies of this town, a visit. It was one hell of a tour, and the worst bender this kid has seen since that weekend in Vegas, Circus Circus to be exact, circa 1998. Bygones. Suffice to say that the reek of booze and sleepless evenings put the noble pursuit of truth that is TKID's Blog on the back burner.
When I awoke from my stupor, my guilt was stoked beyond the usual hungover self-revulsion by the heroic comments of my role model, the brilliant Karl Rove. This man, the moral compass that TKID5 looks to on dark days, offered inspiring words to a gathering in NYC this weekend. A snippet follows:
"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers," Rove said.
After reading this line, I flashed back to that horrid day, where, over drinks at my local watering hole, I witnessed just this sort of treachery. Everywhere, liberals were applauding the terrorists, offering explanations for their actions, and discussing the need to ship therapists to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. I was outraged, and went home to polish my .22 rifle. Before long, I was practicing my marching in the back yard, and summoning the courage to sign up for the special forces. After banging out 25 pushups - in one session - I knew I was ready for the Navy Seals. But on the way to the Marine Corps recruiting center, I spotted the beckoning neon of Coors Light at a fine public house, and the rest is history.
Needless to say, my shame is complete. But now, with the words of encouragement from Karl Rove, I realize it's time for me to go to war. I'm putting down this beer, and doing crunches right now.
Over, and out!
When I awoke from my stupor, my guilt was stoked beyond the usual hungover self-revulsion by the heroic comments of my role model, the brilliant Karl Rove. This man, the moral compass that TKID5 looks to on dark days, offered inspiring words to a gathering in NYC this weekend. A snippet follows:
"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers," Rove said.
After reading this line, I flashed back to that horrid day, where, over drinks at my local watering hole, I witnessed just this sort of treachery. Everywhere, liberals were applauding the terrorists, offering explanations for their actions, and discussing the need to ship therapists to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. I was outraged, and went home to polish my .22 rifle. Before long, I was practicing my marching in the back yard, and summoning the courage to sign up for the special forces. After banging out 25 pushups - in one session - I knew I was ready for the Navy Seals. But on the way to the Marine Corps recruiting center, I spotted the beckoning neon of Coors Light at a fine public house, and the rest is history.
Needless to say, my shame is complete. But now, with the words of encouragement from Karl Rove, I realize it's time for me to go to war. I'm putting down this beer, and doing crunches right now.
Over, and out!
Jun 16, 2005
Man vs. Monkey vs. Mutant
Creationism proponents took one step backward today as they were forced to concede that God did not create MAN in his image, but rather, MOST MEN. This startling retraction from earlier Biblical dogma was prompted by the recent uncovery of one Brian Peppers. Peppers, a nice guy from Ohio, seems to be more of a mutant than a man. Yet, according to Evolutionists Inc., Brian is most definitely a man. His pedigree is well documented here. Evolutionists spokesman Raymond Fitzchandler challenged Kansas State Board of Education members at a town hall meeting last Wednesday night with photos of Mr. Peppers. He stated to the panel, "Do you think God looks like this guy? I tell you what, if I was shown a picture of this dude in Sunday School back in the day and told he was the Almighty, I would have jumped out the window. My God is white with a big beard and flowing robes, not some C.H.U.D."
Seth Nightingale, spokesman for Creationismists.Org, a think tank organization based in St. Louis that has provided much needed support to several Kansas Education Board officials, refuted Fitzchandler. "Our opponents are assuming that Mr. Peppers really is a man. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's the dreaded Puerto Rican Chupacabra monster. I don't know. What I do know is if he is designated a man, he belongs to that group of sub-humans that were not created in God's own image."
TKID4 is currently researching various Biblical tomes for references of monkeys and apes. So far he hasn't come up with one word about our simian cousins. Mostly its just talk about walking around in a desert. As far as TKID4 is concerned, that's one point for creationists.
Seth Nightingale, spokesman for Creationismists.Org, a think tank organization based in St. Louis that has provided much needed support to several Kansas Education Board officials, refuted Fitzchandler. "Our opponents are assuming that Mr. Peppers really is a man. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's the dreaded Puerto Rican Chupacabra monster. I don't know. What I do know is if he is designated a man, he belongs to that group of sub-humans that were not created in God's own image."
TKID4 is currently researching various Biblical tomes for references of monkeys and apes. So far he hasn't come up with one word about our simian cousins. Mostly its just talk about walking around in a desert. As far as TKID4 is concerned, that's one point for creationists.
Jun 15, 2005
Fairy Tales About Gods and Monkeys
It's getting hot over at the Kansas State Board of Education, where boardmembers are currently debating the relative merits of teaching evolution and/or intelligent design, TKID5's favorite explanation of how the majesty that is me came to be. The AP reports that boardmembers are slinging insults with reckless abandon, and that an aggressive letter from Connie Morris of the board is stirring up angst.
In the letter, the AP reports, "Morris derided evolution as an 'age-old fairy tale,' sometimes defended with 'anti-God contempt and arrogance.' She wrote that evolution is 'a theory in crisis' and headlined one section of her newsletter 'The Evolutionists are in Panic Mode!'"
Anti-God fairy tales always freaked-out TKID5 when he was a wee lad, particularly ones about how my ancestors were monkeys that had mutated over millions of years, eventually evolving to the shimmering beauty of my God-like form.
Actually, I preferred other fairy tales, the ones told to me in bible class. My favorite was the one about how a mysterious, male deity created all that there is in six days, resting on the seventh, because although he was all powerful, he must've been tired. The only aspect of this otherwise comforting story that bothered me was the fact that the God-man worked for six straight days. TKID5 ain't doing that, no way.
In the letter, the AP reports, "Morris derided evolution as an 'age-old fairy tale,' sometimes defended with 'anti-God contempt and arrogance.' She wrote that evolution is 'a theory in crisis' and headlined one section of her newsletter 'The Evolutionists are in Panic Mode!'"
Anti-God fairy tales always freaked-out TKID5 when he was a wee lad, particularly ones about how my ancestors were monkeys that had mutated over millions of years, eventually evolving to the shimmering beauty of my God-like form.
Actually, I preferred other fairy tales, the ones told to me in bible class. My favorite was the one about how a mysterious, male deity created all that there is in six days, resting on the seventh, because although he was all powerful, he must've been tired. The only aspect of this otherwise comforting story that bothered me was the fact that the God-man worked for six straight days. TKID5 ain't doing that, no way.
Jun 14, 2005
The Empire Strikes Back
After a week in which Howard Dean, the dem's pitbull, took potshots at helpless Republicans, somebody final had the verve and gusto to fight fire with fire.
Calling Howard Dean "over the top," Vice President Dick Cheney decried Dean's insensitive and inflammatory comments, adding that Dean is "not the kind of individual you want to have representing your political party."
Damn skippy, Dick.
"I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell," Cheney said in the interview with Fox News Channel.
Sure, some of those wussy liberals might whine that Cheney took the low road by bringing Dean's mother into his heroic bashing of the Vermont pansy. But seriously, who among us could call the Dickster anything other than an honorable, decent man?
God speed, VP Cheney!
Calling Howard Dean "over the top," Vice President Dick Cheney decried Dean's insensitive and inflammatory comments, adding that Dean is "not the kind of individual you want to have representing your political party."
Damn skippy, Dick.
"I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell," Cheney said in the interview with Fox News Channel.
Sure, some of those wussy liberals might whine that Cheney took the low road by bringing Dean's mother into his heroic bashing of the Vermont pansy. But seriously, who among us could call the Dickster anything other than an honorable, decent man?
God speed, VP Cheney!
Jun 10, 2005
Crossing Over
TKID4 is a big fan of John Edward, self-proclaimed medium and until recently television star. His show "Crossing Over" was cancelled due to poor ratings but his contribution to society lives on. Many fans were crushed by the sudden cancellation of his show. One in particular created a moving web tribute to the psychic-stud, as can be seen here. Be sure and have a box of skin-sensitive tissues nearby when you open this page though, as the musical tribute to this man will move you to otherworldly tears.
One conservative watchdog group is comparing the talents of John Edward to failed V.P. candidate and personal injury attorney John Edwards. Apparently Edwards claimed at trial to be channeling his cerebral palsy-afflicted client's words through him and into the jurors' ears. The jury later awarded the plaintiff several million dollars.
Both Johns may have more free time on their hands at the moment, but John Edward has left the t.v. studio in favor of a lengthy international tour. Prices at several of the venues, including major cities Chicago, NYC and South Florida run $175 pp. For his reluctant trips to the sticks, including Cleveland, Minneapolis and Salt Lake, $59 gets you in the door. No word if the accuracy of Edward's cold calls increase as the ticket prices escalate.
TKID4 will be sending its NYC correspondent Ted "TKed" Kiegals to Edward's appearance there in late summer. Please feel free to write in with questions you may like us to ask John at that time. None of those questions will be asked however, as John doesn't allow much from his audience members except for "yes," "no" and "who should I make this check out to?"
One conservative watchdog group is comparing the talents of John Edward to failed V.P. candidate and personal injury attorney John Edwards. Apparently Edwards claimed at trial to be channeling his cerebral palsy-afflicted client's words through him and into the jurors' ears. The jury later awarded the plaintiff several million dollars.
Both Johns may have more free time on their hands at the moment, but John Edward has left the t.v. studio in favor of a lengthy international tour. Prices at several of the venues, including major cities Chicago, NYC and South Florida run $175 pp. For his reluctant trips to the sticks, including Cleveland, Minneapolis and Salt Lake, $59 gets you in the door. No word if the accuracy of Edward's cold calls increase as the ticket prices escalate.
TKID4 will be sending its NYC correspondent Ted "TKed" Kiegals to Edward's appearance there in late summer. Please feel free to write in with questions you may like us to ask John at that time. None of those questions will be asked however, as John doesn't allow much from his audience members except for "yes," "no" and "who should I make this check out to?"
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