This just in, courtesy of the liberal media: our diplomats posted overseas can't speak foreign tongues. According to a report by the Government Accountability Office, high numbers of State Department employees fail to meet minimum language requirements. For example, the article states, 40 percent of the diplomats in Beijing can't speak Chinese (pronounced "chai-neeese") while 60 percent are dumbstruck when it comes to Arabic in both the Yemen and Egypt offices. Furthermore, the report found that the standards themselves are woefully inadequate.
Our response to this hand-ringing hub-bub: so the hell what? Americans speak English, of the American variety. If foreigners want to talk to us they best be learning the King's English with a healthy dollop of slang from the U.S. of A. Besides, how important are China or the Middle East to our national interests? Seriously. If any of those countries start feeling uppity, all we have to do is whip outour Stealth Bombers, Navy SEALS, and M1-Abrams.
Here's how a diplomatic negotiation could (and should) go in Beijing:
Xo Ding-Dong Mao, Chinese under-under secretary of foreign affairs: "Tsing-tao tai bo mee gooreng tsao kung pao?"
Ted Johnstone, U.S. deputy ambassador to China: "Hey Donger. I couldn't quite catch that. Would you like me to check in with Strategic Air Command back in Kansas city for a translation? No? I didn't think so."
Aug 11, 2006
Aug 10, 2006
Back from the war on fascism
Greetings and salutations. TKid4 here. From all of us here at TKid's Blog please accept our sincere apologies for the long dormancy of this blog. We know from our sophisticated blog software here in our Kuala Lumpur HQ that many of you, dear readers, logged onto the site each and every day. We can only imagine the looks of despair, writ large on all of your fat faces, when you saw time and time again that you would be deprived of brilliance emanating from The Lump'. Again, our apologies.
Rest assured that our absence was due to an important mission. Although we can't discuss specifics due to sensitive intelligence and the like, we were engaged in the most crucial of all tasks: defending America from Islamofascists.
On that note, we're glad to see that President George W. Bush has finally summoned the courage to call our nation's enemies by their true names: fascists, of the Islamic variety. Now, there has long been a taboo attached to political leaders' use of this term, and particularly in tandem with referring to a particular religion. Additionally, some misguided America-haters argue that the term is simplistic, innacurate, and stupid sounding when applied to global terror syndicates; that those speaking the term sound like a hippie doofus in a low-watt comedy flick: "Dean Pemberton, you're like a total fascist pig!"
This argument is pure hooey. Yes, fascism revolves around nationalism, a centralized goverment, a dictator, and the suppression of religion. And sure, Al Queda is a shadowy collective of religious fundamentalists who operate across and outside of national borders. We'll give you yellow-bellied pansies those points. But what you forget is that they are EVIL. So were the Nazis. Enough said. Case closed.
Thank goodness for our fellow conservative bloggers like Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson of LGF (both of whom are close personal friends of TKidBlog's CEO, David LoPan) who have trotted out the "Islamofascist" appellation whenever possible, keeping it alive until the Bush Administration pulled its head out of its ass. Finally, today, President Bush referred to "Islamic fascists" during a press conference address about the airliner attacks foiled by the Brits. (Click here to watch. Ignore his awkward diction as he belts out the term, which makes him sound like he's chewing on marbles. Nobody's perfect.)
Although today is clearly one to celebrate our limey friends across the pond, we must be wary of their innate namby pamby tendencies. Just the other day Tony Blair gave a speech in which he laid out the Global War on Terror as a war of "values" and ideas, in which the enemy, to both moderate Islam and the Western world is one of "extremism." What a crock. Yo, Blair, it's a war in which the guys with the biggest guns, better deity (Jesus rules!), and, frankly, biggest balls will prevail. USA, baby.
Rest assured that our absence was due to an important mission. Although we can't discuss specifics due to sensitive intelligence and the like, we were engaged in the most crucial of all tasks: defending America from Islamofascists.
On that note, we're glad to see that President George W. Bush has finally summoned the courage to call our nation's enemies by their true names: fascists, of the Islamic variety. Now, there has long been a taboo attached to political leaders' use of this term, and particularly in tandem with referring to a particular religion. Additionally, some misguided America-haters argue that the term is simplistic, innacurate, and stupid sounding when applied to global terror syndicates; that those speaking the term sound like a hippie doofus in a low-watt comedy flick: "Dean Pemberton, you're like a total fascist pig!"
This argument is pure hooey. Yes, fascism revolves around nationalism, a centralized goverment, a dictator, and the suppression of religion. And sure, Al Queda is a shadowy collective of religious fundamentalists who operate across and outside of national borders. We'll give you yellow-bellied pansies those points. But what you forget is that they are EVIL. So were the Nazis. Enough said. Case closed.
Thank goodness for our fellow conservative bloggers like Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson of LGF (both of whom are close personal friends of TKidBlog's CEO, David LoPan) who have trotted out the "Islamofascist" appellation whenever possible, keeping it alive until the Bush Administration pulled its head out of its ass. Finally, today, President Bush referred to "Islamic fascists" during a press conference address about the airliner attacks foiled by the Brits. (Click here to watch. Ignore his awkward diction as he belts out the term, which makes him sound like he's chewing on marbles. Nobody's perfect.)
Although today is clearly one to celebrate our limey friends across the pond, we must be wary of their innate namby pamby tendencies. Just the other day Tony Blair gave a speech in which he laid out the Global War on Terror as a war of "values" and ideas, in which the enemy, to both moderate Islam and the Western world is one of "extremism." What a crock. Yo, Blair, it's a war in which the guys with the biggest guns, better deity (Jesus rules!), and, frankly, biggest balls will prevail. USA, baby.
May 4, 2006
Al-Qaeda's Funniest Home Videos
Recently discovered video, showing Abu Musab Zarqawi firing a large machine gun in the desert, was leaked/released by the U.S. Defense Department, along with an editorial by Pentagon Officials who found the video outtakes of previously circulated propaganda videos to demonstrate inept military activity on the part of the Al-Qaeda leader.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, spokesman for U.S.-led forces in Iraq, pointed out that the video showed Zarqawi's deputy burning his hand by grabbing the red-hot metal barrel of a just-fired machine-gun. He added that "[The video shows] Zarqawi, the ultimate warrior, trying to shoot off his machine gun. It's supposed to be automatic fire; he's shooting single shots." The Pentagon was also quick to point out that Al-Zarqawi was wearing western-style tennis shoes.
Maj.Gen. Lynch did not comment on the roadside bomb in south-central Baghdad killed two U.S. soldiers on May 4th, nor did he address statistics that suggest the "inept" Al-Qaeda has been directly responsible for the deaths of over 1000 U.S. Servicemen.
While the U.S. has amassed and published an entire library of videos showing Al-Zarqawi engaged in various activities in and around Iraq, strangely, they have yet to broadcast to the American people the video showing his capture by U.S. forces.
Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, spokesman for U.S.-led forces in Iraq, pointed out that the video showed Zarqawi's deputy burning his hand by grabbing the red-hot metal barrel of a just-fired machine-gun. He added that "[The video shows] Zarqawi, the ultimate warrior, trying to shoot off his machine gun. It's supposed to be automatic fire; he's shooting single shots." The Pentagon was also quick to point out that Al-Zarqawi was wearing western-style tennis shoes.
Maj.Gen. Lynch did not comment on the roadside bomb in south-central Baghdad killed two U.S. soldiers on May 4th, nor did he address statistics that suggest the "inept" Al-Qaeda has been directly responsible for the deaths of over 1000 U.S. Servicemen.
While the U.S. has amassed and published an entire library of videos showing Al-Zarqawi engaged in various activities in and around Iraq, strangely, they have yet to broadcast to the American people the video showing his capture by U.S. forces.
Feb 14, 2006
The Odyssey and the Idiot
The GAO reported today that certain federal Katrina and Rita relief funds were misused by storm victims. The accounting office describes its findings as “Purchases that did not appear necessary to satisfy immediate emergency needs.” While the definition of “immediate emergency needs” appears unqualified, the schedule of illicit purchases reads more like a credit card receipt for a bachelor party than a disaster relief effort.
While the amounts in controversy, a paltry several thousand dollars, pale in comparison to the millions dispersed to the region’s storm-stricken residents, the GAO does expose what can happen when dollars, and not solutions, are thrown at a problem. However, despite the openness and candor of the report, the GAO failed to disclose in its findings that all of its identified suspect purchases contained in the released schedule were made by one individual, Theodore S. Kiegals of Baton Rouge, LA. According to unpublished reports and several incoherent interviews, Kiegals, an out of work roofer, left a trail of economic activity throughout the post-hurricane southern US, funded entirely through government issued debit cards in what Kiegals later described as “the search for the perfect cat tattoo.”
What little record there is of Kiegals before the hurricane season of 2005 is housed in court documents from New Orleans which indicate that he was arraigned in 1992 for impersonating an animal control officer to gain entry into a restricted area. The rest of Kiegals’ background comes from his own words. Kiegals apparently survived Hurricane Katrina by locking himself in his trailer closet and consuming crystal meth for three days straight. When he emerged, he had an intense desire to walk to the ocean, which he did, and ended up somewhere along the coastline on the Texas/Louisiana border. He was unconscious when Rita struck his beach shanty, having been involved in some type of brawl over a domestic dispute earlier in the day. When he awoke, he was standing in line at a federal relief station in Plano, TX. It was in that line that Kiegals luck would change, for the moment. Due to a clerical error, Kiegals was issued over $25,000 in debit cards by federal officials. Although he had never established a bank account, registered for a social security number, and possessed only a suspended driver’s license, Kiegals did have over thirty five major credit cards issued to him by U.S. banks, and so was familiar with the debit card concept. However, he lost almost $20,000 of his windfall in a dice game behind the relief station within 10 minutes of receiving the cards. Determined to save what was left of his fortune, he decided to invest a portion in a series of diversified instruments, beginning with jewelry. He spent an afternoon at a jewelry store where he was “treated like a man about town” and left with an engagement ring, which he still wears as an earring to this day. Kiegals doesn’t recall much of the next week he and a tramp named Roscoe spent traveling Texas, debit cards in hand. Trips to Dallas and Houston were marked by evenings at “Gentleman’s Clubs” and massage parlors. When funds began running low, the men centered their odyssey around the Dallas Green Motor Lodge, where a beer and porno mag binge carried them through a waning post-Katrina depression. It was at this time that Roscoe sketched a drawing on the motel bathroom wall of a cat lapping up water from a broken New Orleans levee. Inspired by the vision, Kiegals decided to purchase a tattoo of the drawing. Today, Kiegals proudly displays the tattoo on his back and comments that it and his engagement earring are the only things left of his adventures with Roscoe. But the story doesn’t end there. Kiegals and Roscoe returned to Louisiana after several arrest warrants were issued for them in relation to an incident that occurred in the men’s bathroom at the Astrodome. Roscoe was picked up by Louisiana police on an unrelated charge, and Kiegals bailed him out, causing his funds to run dangerously low. The two men parted ways, but not before Kiegals, after spending several days waiting for the government mandated handgun waiting period to expire, purchased a pistol for Roscoe, to help him “to fight the men who insult me in my dreams.” Kiegals, now alone and carrying a balance of approximately $1700, returned to his hometown of Baton Rouge and his live-in girlfriend Penelope. Because the state had recently begun its “It’s no jive, we card through 75” program, Kiegals needed to obtain a valid driver’s license in order to frequent his favorite drinking establishments. After spending $700 to clear up years of fines and parking tickets, he was admitted to the Argosy Casino. It was here where the adventure ended. Kiegals, unfamiliar with the newly installed ATM machines at the casino, mistakenly thought they were gambling machines, and proceeded to “lose” his remaining stake of $1000. Fast forward to February 2006 where Kiegals lives alone in his trailer, Penelope having left him to join the U.S. Army. Kiegals himself washed out of basic training when army officials realized his entry physical, recently outsourced to a private company, failed to reveal the seven various std’s he had contracted on the bus to Ft. Benning. Today he is friendless, his only communication with the outside world being conducted with Roscoe, now wanted by several Federal agencies, through thinly veiled secret messages in Auto Trader magazines. He has been unemployed since the late nineties, but blames the storms of ’05 for his situation. In his most recent interview, he lamented “Well, as you well know, it is difficult to find a job as a roofer in these parts now a days.” At nights he stares at the ceiling and wonders what the later summer of 2006 will bring.
While the amounts in controversy, a paltry several thousand dollars, pale in comparison to the millions dispersed to the region’s storm-stricken residents, the GAO does expose what can happen when dollars, and not solutions, are thrown at a problem. However, despite the openness and candor of the report, the GAO failed to disclose in its findings that all of its identified suspect purchases contained in the released schedule were made by one individual, Theodore S. Kiegals of Baton Rouge, LA. According to unpublished reports and several incoherent interviews, Kiegals, an out of work roofer, left a trail of economic activity throughout the post-hurricane southern US, funded entirely through government issued debit cards in what Kiegals later described as “the search for the perfect cat tattoo.”
What little record there is of Kiegals before the hurricane season of 2005 is housed in court documents from New Orleans which indicate that he was arraigned in 1992 for impersonating an animal control officer to gain entry into a restricted area. The rest of Kiegals’ background comes from his own words. Kiegals apparently survived Hurricane Katrina by locking himself in his trailer closet and consuming crystal meth for three days straight. When he emerged, he had an intense desire to walk to the ocean, which he did, and ended up somewhere along the coastline on the Texas/Louisiana border. He was unconscious when Rita struck his beach shanty, having been involved in some type of brawl over a domestic dispute earlier in the day. When he awoke, he was standing in line at a federal relief station in Plano, TX. It was in that line that Kiegals luck would change, for the moment. Due to a clerical error, Kiegals was issued over $25,000 in debit cards by federal officials. Although he had never established a bank account, registered for a social security number, and possessed only a suspended driver’s license, Kiegals did have over thirty five major credit cards issued to him by U.S. banks, and so was familiar with the debit card concept. However, he lost almost $20,000 of his windfall in a dice game behind the relief station within 10 minutes of receiving the cards. Determined to save what was left of his fortune, he decided to invest a portion in a series of diversified instruments, beginning with jewelry. He spent an afternoon at a jewelry store where he was “treated like a man about town” and left with an engagement ring, which he still wears as an earring to this day. Kiegals doesn’t recall much of the next week he and a tramp named Roscoe spent traveling Texas, debit cards in hand. Trips to Dallas and Houston were marked by evenings at “Gentleman’s Clubs” and massage parlors. When funds began running low, the men centered their odyssey around the Dallas Green Motor Lodge, where a beer and porno mag binge carried them through a waning post-Katrina depression. It was at this time that Roscoe sketched a drawing on the motel bathroom wall of a cat lapping up water from a broken New Orleans levee. Inspired by the vision, Kiegals decided to purchase a tattoo of the drawing. Today, Kiegals proudly displays the tattoo on his back and comments that it and his engagement earring are the only things left of his adventures with Roscoe. But the story doesn’t end there. Kiegals and Roscoe returned to Louisiana after several arrest warrants were issued for them in relation to an incident that occurred in the men’s bathroom at the Astrodome. Roscoe was picked up by Louisiana police on an unrelated charge, and Kiegals bailed him out, causing his funds to run dangerously low. The two men parted ways, but not before Kiegals, after spending several days waiting for the government mandated handgun waiting period to expire, purchased a pistol for Roscoe, to help him “to fight the men who insult me in my dreams.” Kiegals, now alone and carrying a balance of approximately $1700, returned to his hometown of Baton Rouge and his live-in girlfriend Penelope. Because the state had recently begun its “It’s no jive, we card through 75” program, Kiegals needed to obtain a valid driver’s license in order to frequent his favorite drinking establishments. After spending $700 to clear up years of fines and parking tickets, he was admitted to the Argosy Casino. It was here where the adventure ended. Kiegals, unfamiliar with the newly installed ATM machines at the casino, mistakenly thought they were gambling machines, and proceeded to “lose” his remaining stake of $1000. Fast forward to February 2006 where Kiegals lives alone in his trailer, Penelope having left him to join the U.S. Army. Kiegals himself washed out of basic training when army officials realized his entry physical, recently outsourced to a private company, failed to reveal the seven various std’s he had contracted on the bus to Ft. Benning. Today he is friendless, his only communication with the outside world being conducted with Roscoe, now wanted by several Federal agencies, through thinly veiled secret messages in Auto Trader magazines. He has been unemployed since the late nineties, but blames the storms of ’05 for his situation. In his most recent interview, he lamented “Well, as you well know, it is difficult to find a job as a roofer in these parts now a days.” At nights he stares at the ceiling and wonders what the later summer of 2006 will bring.
Jan 12, 2006
Stardust Memories
At this moment, our tax dollars are causing a spacecraft to speed towards earth carrying several ounces of "comet dust." It's destination is a Utah desert floor, time of impact, early Sunday.
The Stardust spacecraft took off from earth during the Clinton Administration and has spent its formative years collecting dust and carbon-based samples whilst plunging though the tails of comets.
According to our friends at CNN, "If all goes as planned, Stardust will release the 100-lb. capsule carrying the samples at 1 a.m. ET on Sunday. It would enter Earth's atmosphere about four hours later and parachute to the ground in Utah at 5:12 a.m. ET."
On the other hand, if some things don't go according to plan, you might wind up with a spacecraft in your backyard or worse yet, an Andromeda Strain type dried comet jizz dusting your Taos rooftop.
Granted, comet dust is not on my list of allergies at the moment, but why risk bringing a potentially deadly strain of space clap to mother earth? Science at times enjoys certain missteps which cross the line between the search for knowledge and impending doom. A good example would be the medical supply company that included among its teaching sample kits which it distributed around the globe a vial of Bubonic Plague.
I may be chicken little in this instance, but then again, I was against the importation of moon rocks, and as a very reliable source has disclosed to me, Apollo 14's cargo of critter-laden pumace almost cost man his seat of dominance on this blue planet.
The Stardust spacecraft took off from earth during the Clinton Administration and has spent its formative years collecting dust and carbon-based samples whilst plunging though the tails of comets.
According to our friends at CNN, "If all goes as planned, Stardust will release the 100-lb. capsule carrying the samples at 1 a.m. ET on Sunday. It would enter Earth's atmosphere about four hours later and parachute to the ground in Utah at 5:12 a.m. ET."
On the other hand, if some things don't go according to plan, you might wind up with a spacecraft in your backyard or worse yet, an Andromeda Strain type dried comet jizz dusting your Taos rooftop.
Granted, comet dust is not on my list of allergies at the moment, but why risk bringing a potentially deadly strain of space clap to mother earth? Science at times enjoys certain missteps which cross the line between the search for knowledge and impending doom. A good example would be the medical supply company that included among its teaching sample kits which it distributed around the globe a vial of Bubonic Plague.
I may be chicken little in this instance, but then again, I was against the importation of moon rocks, and as a very reliable source has disclosed to me, Apollo 14's cargo of critter-laden pumace almost cost man his seat of dominance on this blue planet.
Jan 9, 2006
Troop Strength
The liberal news media today reported that Paul Bremer, while serving as head of the provisional government in Iraq, asked Donald Rumsfeld to triple the amount of troops stationed in Iraq -- from 145,000 to over 500,000.
Although there are those who will gleefully see news of the squabble as evidence of a poorly-run war, TKID4 begs to differ. First of all, anyone touting such a theory would sit idly by as the terrorists and, perhaps, Cubans, parachute down to our beloved country, take over high schools, and machine gun innocent math teachers. Not us at TKid's blog. We will stand firm.
Besides, look at the two parties behind this debate. The qualifications of one, Bremer (or, rather, Louis Paul Bremer III), seem to revolve his fluency in French and his having attended a university in Gay Paris -- that's in France. Louis Paul the Third is a pencil-neck geek.
On the other hand, Rummy, he of the flinty gaze and chiseled features, is a former Naval Aviator. In a word: bad-ass.
Although there are those who will gleefully see news of the squabble as evidence of a poorly-run war, TKID4 begs to differ. First of all, anyone touting such a theory would sit idly by as the terrorists and, perhaps, Cubans, parachute down to our beloved country, take over high schools, and machine gun innocent math teachers. Not us at TKid's blog. We will stand firm.
Besides, look at the two parties behind this debate. The qualifications of one, Bremer (or, rather, Louis Paul Bremer III), seem to revolve his fluency in French and his having attended a university in Gay Paris -- that's in France. Louis Paul the Third is a pencil-neck geek.
On the other hand, Rummy, he of the flinty gaze and chiseled features, is a former Naval Aviator. In a word: bad-ass.
Jan 4, 2006
Corporate Sponsorship
TKID7 is happy to report that his six month long sales trip throughout SE Asia is paying off. We have entered final contractual negotiations with a confidential party to sponsor the Tkid's Blog in exchange for our site linking to http://www.keepdelayfree.com.
In other news, I am just now getting filled in on the world's events, as the Russian trawler I called home during my trip lacked any means of communication other than my Cingular wireless phone. Nothing much has changed, except that I am surprised to see Ohio Rep. Bob Ney is in some sort of scandal involving bribes and such. I can remember answering his call to arms last year and boycotting all things French. I am still at it too, which really cost me on my trip. My trawler's maps were about 50 years old, and when we encountered the coastline of French Indochine, I was forced to ride out the night in a dingy whilst my compadres lived it up on shore, lest I betray the oath I swore to Ney. Later that week, I was arrested when Burmese officials discovered I was sleeping on 500 pounds of China White. I was released soon after however, no doubt due to the benevolence of my sponsor, David LoPan, CEO of the Wing Kong Exchange. In exchange, I have sworn to continue my work on Tkid's Blog. And to that end, I must leave for now, and read six months worth of US Weekly's and examine some new type of internet phenomenon called "Myspace."
In other news, I am just now getting filled in on the world's events, as the Russian trawler I called home during my trip lacked any means of communication other than my Cingular wireless phone. Nothing much has changed, except that I am surprised to see Ohio Rep. Bob Ney is in some sort of scandal involving bribes and such. I can remember answering his call to arms last year and boycotting all things French. I am still at it too, which really cost me on my trip. My trawler's maps were about 50 years old, and when we encountered the coastline of French Indochine, I was forced to ride out the night in a dingy whilst my compadres lived it up on shore, lest I betray the oath I swore to Ney. Later that week, I was arrested when Burmese officials discovered I was sleeping on 500 pounds of China White. I was released soon after however, no doubt due to the benevolence of my sponsor, David LoPan, CEO of the Wing Kong Exchange. In exchange, I have sworn to continue my work on Tkid's Blog. And to that end, I must leave for now, and read six months worth of US Weekly's and examine some new type of internet phenomenon called "Myspace."
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