tkid's blog

Walking the walk

2006-08-11T10:06:00.000-05:00

This just in, courtesy of the liberal media: our diplomats posted overseas can't speak foreign tongues. According to a report by the Government Accountability Office, high numbers of State Department employees fail to meet minimum language requirements. For example, the article states, 40 percent of the diplomats in Beijing can't speak Chinese (pronounced "chai-neeese") while 60 percent are dumbstruck when it comes to Arabic in both the Yemen and Egypt offices. Furthermore, the report found that the standards themselves are woefully inadequate.

Our response to this hand-ringing hub-bub: so the hell what? Americans speak English, of the American variety. If foreigners want to talk to us they best be learning the King's English with a healthy dollop of slang from the U.S. of A. Besides, how important are China or the Middle East to our national interests? Seriously. If any of those countries start feeling uppity, all we have to do is whip outour Stealth Bombers, Navy SEALS, and M1-Abrams.

Here's how a diplomatic negotiation could (and should) go in Beijing:

Xo Ding-Dong Mao, Chinese under-under secretary of foreign affairs: "Tsing-tao tai bo mee gooreng tsao kung pao?"

Ted Johnstone, U.S. deputy ambassador to China: "Hey Donger. I couldn't quite catch that. Would you like me to check in with Strategic Air Command back in Kansas city for a translation? No? I didn't think so."

Back from the war on fascism

2006-08-10T15:33:00.000-05:00

Greetings and salutations. TKid4 here. From all of us here at TKid's Blog please accept our sincere apologies for the long dormancy of this blog. We know from our sophisticated blog software here in our Kuala Lumpur HQ that many of you, dear readers, logged onto the site each and every day. We can only imagine the looks of despair, writ large on all of your fat faces, when you saw time and time again that you would be deprived of brilliance emanating from The Lump'. Again, our apologies.

Rest assured that our absence was due to an important mission. Although we can't discuss specifics due to sensitive intelligence and the like, we were engaged in the most crucial of all tasks: defending America from Islamofascists.

On that note, we're glad to see that President George W. Bush has finally summoned the courage to call our nation's enemies by their true names: fascists, of the Islamic variety. Now, there has long been a taboo attached to political leaders' use of this term, and particularly in tandem with referring to a particular religion. Additionally, some misguided America-haters argue that the term is simplistic, innacurate, and stupid sounding when applied to global terror syndicates; that those speaking the term sound like a hippie doofus in a low-watt comedy flick: "Dean Pemberton, you're like a total fascist pig!"

This argument is pure hooey. Yes, fascism revolves around nationalism, a centralized goverment, a dictator, and the suppression of religion. And sure, Al Queda is a shadowy collective of religious fundamentalists who operate across and outside of national borders. We'll give you yellow-bellied pansies those points. But what you forget is that they are EVIL. So were the Nazis. Enough said. Case closed.

Thank goodness for our fellow conservative bloggers like Michelle Malkin and Charles Johnson of LGF (both of whom are close personal friends of TKidBlog's CEO, David LoPan) who have trotted out the "Islamofascist" appellation whenever possible, keeping it alive until the Bush Administration pulled its head out of its ass. Finally, today, President Bush referred to "Islamic fascists" during a press conference address about the airliner attacks foiled by the Brits. (Click here to watch. Ignore his awkward diction as he belts out the term, which makes him sound like he's chewing on marbles. Nobody's perfect.)

Although today is clearly one to celebrate our limey friends across the pond, we must be wary of their innate namby pamby tendencies. Just the other day Tony Blair gave a speech in which he laid out the Global War on Terror as a war of "values" and ideas, in which the enemy, to both moderate Islam and the Western world is one of "extremism." What a crock. Yo, Blair, it's a war in which the guys with the biggest guns, better deity (Jesus rules!), and, frankly, biggest balls will prevail. USA, baby.

Al-Qaeda's Funniest Home Videos

2006-05-04T14:33:00.000-05:00

Recently discovered video, showing Abu Musab Zarqawi firing a large machine gun in the desert, was leaked/released by the U.S. Defense Department, along with an editorial by Pentagon Officials who found the video outtakes of previously circulated propaganda videos to demonstrate inept military activity on the part of the Al-Qaeda leader.

Maj. Gen. Rick Lynch, spokesman for U.S.-led forces in Iraq, pointed out that the video showed Zarqawi's deputy burning his hand by grabbing the red-hot metal barrel of a just-fired machine-gun. He added that "[The video shows] Zarqawi, the ultimate warrior, trying to shoot off his machine gun. It's supposed to be automatic fire; he's shooting single shots." The Pentagon was also quick to point out that Al-Zarqawi was wearing western-style tennis shoes.

Maj.Gen. Lynch did not comment on the roadside bomb in south-central Baghdad killed two U.S. soldiers on May 4th, nor did he address statistics that suggest the "inept" Al-Qaeda has been directly responsible for the deaths of over 1000 U.S. Servicemen.

While the U.S. has amassed and published an entire library of videos showing Al-Zarqawi engaged in various activities in and around Iraq, strangely, they have yet to broadcast to the American people the video showing his capture by U.S. forces.

The Odyssey and the Idiot

2006-02-14T12:10:00.000-06:00

The GAO reported today that certain federal Katrina and Rita relief funds were misused by storm victims. The accounting office describes its findings as “Purchases that did not appear necessary to satisfy immediate emergency needs.” While the definition of “immediate emergency needs” appears unqualified, the schedule of illicit purchases reads more like a credit card receipt for a bachelor party than a disaster relief effort.
While the amounts in controversy, a paltry several thousand dollars, pale in comparison to the millions dispersed to the region’s storm-stricken residents, the GAO does expose what can happen when dollars, and not solutions, are thrown at a problem. However, despite the openness and candor of the report, the GAO failed to disclose in its findings that all of its identified suspect purchases contained in the released schedule were made by one individual, Theodore S. Kiegals of Baton Rouge, LA. According to unpublished reports and several incoherent interviews, Kiegals, an out of work roofer, left a trail of economic activity throughout the post-hurricane southern US, funded entirely through government issued debit cards in what Kiegals later described as “the search for the perfect cat tattoo.”

What little record there is of Kiegals before the hurricane season of 2005 is housed in court documents from New Orleans which indicate that he was arraigned in 1992 for impersonating an animal control officer to gain entry into a restricted area. The rest of Kiegals’ background comes from his own words. Kiegals apparently survived Hurricane Katrina by locking himself in his trailer closet and consuming crystal meth for three days straight. When he emerged, he had an intense desire to walk to the ocean, which he did, and ended up somewhere along the coastline on the Texas/Louisiana border. He was unconscious when Rita struck his beach shanty, having been involved in some type of brawl over a domestic dispute earlier in the day. When he awoke, he was standing in line at a federal relief station in Plano, TX. It was in that line that Kiegals luck would change, for the moment. Due to a clerical error, Kiegals was issued over $25,000 in debit cards by federal officials. Although he had never established a bank account, registered for a social security number, and possessed only a suspended driver’s license, Kiegals did have over thirty five major credit cards issued to him by U.S. banks, and so was familiar with the debit card concept. However, he lost almost $20,000 of his windfall in a dice game behind the relief station within 10 minutes of receiving the cards. Determined to save what was left of his fortune, he decided to invest a portion in a series of diversified instruments, beginning with jewelry. He spent an afternoon at a jewelry store where he was “treated like a man about town” and left with an engagement ring, which he still wears as an earring to this day. Kiegals doesn’t recall much of the next week he and a tramp named Roscoe spent traveling Texas, debit cards in hand. Trips to Dallas and Houston were marked by evenings at “Gentleman’s Clubs” and massage parlors. When funds began running low, the men centered their odyssey around the Dallas Green Motor Lodge, where a beer and porno mag binge carried them through a waning post-Katrina depression. It was at this time that Roscoe sketched a drawing on the motel bathroom wall of a cat lapping up water from a broken New Orleans levee. Inspired by the vision, Kiegals decided to purchase a tattoo of the drawing. Today, Kiegals proudly displays the tattoo on his back and comments that it and his engagement earring are the only things left of his adventures with Roscoe. But the story doesn’t end there. Kiegals and Roscoe returned to Louisiana after several arrest warrants were issued for them in relation to an incident that occurred in the men’s bathroom at the Astrodome. Roscoe was picked up by Louisiana police on an unrelated charge, and Kiegals bailed him out, causing his funds to run dangerously low. The two men parted ways, but not before Kiegals, after spending several days waiting for the government mandated handgun waiting period to expire, purchased a pistol for Roscoe, to help him “to fight the men who insult me in my dreams.” Kiegals, now alone and carrying a balance of approximately $1700, returned to his hometown of Baton Rouge and his live-in girlfriend Penelope. Because the state had recently begun its “It’s no jive, we card through 75” program, Kiegals needed to obtain a valid driver’s license in order to frequent his favorite drinking establishments. After spending $700 to clear up years of fines and parking tickets, he was admitted to the Argosy Casino. It was here where the adventure ended. Kiegals, unfamiliar with the newly installed ATM machines at the casino, mistakenly thought they were gambling machines, and proceeded to “lose” his remaining stake of $1000. Fast forward to February 2006 where Kiegals lives alone in his trailer, Penelope having left him to join the U.S. Army. Kiegals himself washed out of basic training when army officials realized his entry physical, recently outsourced to a private company, failed to reveal the seven various std’s he had contracted on the bus to Ft. Benning. Today he is friendless, his only communication with the outside world being conducted with Roscoe, now wanted by several Federal agencies, through thinly veiled secret messages in Auto Trader magazines. He has been unemployed since the late nineties, but blames the storms of ’05 for his situation. In his most recent interview, he lamented “Well, as you well know, it is difficult to find a job as a roofer in these parts now a days.” At nights he stares at the ceiling and wonders what the later summer of 2006 will bring.

Stardust Memories

2006-01-12T13:22:00.000-06:00

At this moment, our tax dollars are causing a spacecraft to speed towards earth carrying several ounces of "comet dust." It's destination is a Utah desert floor, time of impact, early Sunday.

The Stardust spacecraft took off from earth during the Clinton Administration and has spent its formative years collecting dust and carbon-based samples whilst plunging though the tails of comets.

According to our friends at CNN, "If all goes as planned, Stardust will release the 100-lb. capsule carrying the samples at 1 a.m. ET on Sunday. It would enter Earth's atmosphere about four hours later and parachute to the ground in Utah at 5:12 a.m. ET."

On the other hand, if some things don't go according to plan, you might wind up with a spacecraft in your backyard or worse yet, an Andromeda Strain type dried comet jizz dusting your Taos rooftop.

Granted, comet dust is not on my list of allergies at the moment, but why risk bringing a potentially deadly strain of space clap to mother earth? Science at times enjoys certain missteps which cross the line between the search for knowledge and impending doom. A good example would be the medical supply company that included among its teaching sample kits which it distributed around the globe a vial of Bubonic Plague.

I may be chicken little in this instance, but then again, I was against the importation of moon rocks, and as a very reliable source has disclosed to me, Apollo 14's cargo of critter-laden pumace almost cost man his seat of dominance on this blue planet.

Troop Strength

2006-01-09T19:28:00.000-06:00

The liberal news media today reported that Paul Bremer, while serving as head of the provisional government in Iraq, asked Donald Rumsfeld to triple the amount of troops stationed in Iraq -- from 145,000 to over 500,000.

Although there are those who will gleefully see news of the squabble as evidence of a poorly-run war, TKID4 begs to differ. First of all, anyone touting such a theory would sit idly by as the terrorists and, perhaps, Cubans, parachute down to our beloved country, take over high schools, and machine gun innocent math teachers. Not us at TKid's blog. We will stand firm.

Besides, look at the two parties behind this debate. The qualifications of one, Bremer (or, rather, Louis Paul Bremer III), seem to revolve his fluency in French and his having attended a university in Gay Paris -- that's in France. Louis Paul the Third is a pencil-neck geek.

On the other hand, Rummy, he of the flinty gaze and chiseled features, is a former Naval Aviator. In a word: bad-ass.

Corporate Sponsorship

2006-01-04T12:47:00.000-06:00

TKID7 is happy to report that his six month long sales trip throughout SE Asia is paying off. We have entered final contractual negotiations with a confidential party to sponsor the Tkid's Blog in exchange for our site linking to http://www.keepdelayfree.com.

In other news, I am just now getting filled in on the world's events, as the Russian trawler I called home during my trip lacked any means of communication other than my Cingular wireless phone. Nothing much has changed, except that I am surprised to see Ohio Rep. Bob Ney is in some sort of scandal involving bribes and such. I can remember answering his call to arms last year and boycotting all things French. I am still at it too, which really cost me on my trip. My trawler's maps were about 50 years old, and when we encountered the coastline of French Indochine, I was forced to ride out the night in a dingy whilst my compadres lived it up on shore, lest I betray the oath I swore to Ney. Later that week, I was arrested when Burmese officials discovered I was sleeping on 500 pounds of China White. I was released soon after however, no doubt due to the benevolence of my sponsor, David LoPan, CEO of the Wing Kong Exchange. In exchange, I have sworn to continue my work on Tkid's Blog. And to that end, I must leave for now, and read six months worth of US Weekly's and examine some new type of internet phenomenon called "Myspace."

from the depths

2005-12-02T08:39:00.000-06:00

greetings good readers. timothy ricketts here (a.k.a. kid 4). for many moons now my keyboard has been stilled, sittling idly as the cracker jack crumbs slowly fossilize between the keys. while my superiors (particularly company mystic david lopan) would rather i share with you a tale of my recent months that includes swashbuckling adventures in the name of global commerce, perhaps with a dash of mercenary bravery defending the american way, i can do no such thing. it just wouldn't be right. in truth, i've been to the bottom of an extremely deep bottle - many times over. however, as we all know, great things come for a true bender. although i have a constant ringing in my ears and pain in my liver region, i feel as if i've found great wisdom. i'd impart some of it here, but i'm too hungover to make the words come out.

let's face it people, without the leadership that could only be provided by the one-and-only tkid, this blog will flounder. so if you've seen him, in all of his radiant socal splendor, tell him we need him here. lead us, tkid. the blogosphere just isn't the same without you.

Blond Bondshell

2005-10-11T16:56:00.000-05:00

TKID4 here, back from an extended vacation exploring the finest spider holes Anbar province has to offer, thanks to a generous grant from the Kiegals Institute for Oriental Studies.

There's a new bond in town. James Bond, that is. Octagenerian Pierce Bro'ham has been replaced by a blond haired, blue eyed dashing metrosexual named Daniel something in the role of the world's most famous and syphillitic adled spy. The studios appear to be moving the Bond character towards a softer, more gentle world, where the secret agent is more adept at selecting velvet curtains than tunneling under iron ones. According to industry insiders, the former Bond Brosnan is upset at the manner in which studio execs notified him he was out. The Irish lothario whose four Bond film portrayals put $1.5 billion worth of Goldfinger's gold bullion into the pockets of Hollywood underwriters was apparently canned over the course of one brief phone call. Brosnan reflected on the call from his yacht positioned off the coast of Gibraltar:

"I was polishing my shoes, which are themselves spy shoe phones, and when the L.A. suits rang me, telling me I was finished, out, fired...that sort of business, I told them to 'toss off' and I hung up and went back to polishing. Later that evening I went out for a cafe' and was unexpectedly accused of sporting blackface, as the polish from my shoe phones had masked my complexion. Needless to say, I covered my faux-pas by quipping that I had just come from a nighttime raid of the fortress of Dr. Goldfeld, which was partially true. It was more of a nighttime raid of my pantry for a box of goldfish."

While Brosnan was planning on taking the Bond character to an edgier, darker place, screenwriters plan on placing the new modern Bond in quirky scenarios where the emotional side of the middle aged single male will be explored. Rumors abound of a Bond who enters therapy after being slowly lowered by a rope into a shark tank one too many times. And when 007 contracts Mata Hari's revenge afer a particularly dicey covert-op in Guatemala, he is comforted by Raoul, a London florist who knows what it's like to have been loved, but to never have loved another.

Up from the Ashes

2005-10-05T15:31:00.000-05:00

It is alive. Many apologies to our countless hordes of readers, all of whom have been wondering: "where is TKID's Blog?" The answers to this question are myriad. The abridged (and security-cleared) answer, however, is that Kiegels Enterprises, Inc., the company under which TKID's is a wholly-owned subsidiary, was involved in a high-level scrap with the Malaysian government. You see, our friends in Kuala Lumpur wanted their piece of the pie. But David Lopan, CEO of Kiegels and company mystic, is not to be messed with. Let's just say the Malaysians came out holding the short straw.

During this brief but intense clash with a third-world government TKID's Blog's main office was forced to shut down. Then, after we'd prevailed, we were detained to cash in on some of the no-bid contracts to hose down and clean out New Orleans - working shoulder-to-shoulder with Cheney's Halliburton boys. One thing we noticed during all of this hurricane hullabaloo was President Bush's moving comments when he first touched down in Mississippi after the hurricane. A snippet follows below:

"Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch."

TID's Blog wants to do its part to correct this horrific act of God. Let's all work together to rebuild Trent's beachfront manse. To send your contribution to Kiegels Enterprises, which will help supervise construction at the site, please send your credit card donations to: david_lopan@hotmail.com

Liberal Media Spanking

2005-07-06T21:30:00.000-05:00

Today, in one of the clearest signs to date that freedom is on the march, a reporter from the America-hating New York Times was by federal marshals to an Alexandria jail, where she will serve time in the same facility as a famous suspected terrorist and other miscreants. Good riddance, we say.

The case has riled liberals and their pack of elite, effete spokespeople: the media. It began when a conservative columnist, Robert Novak, in an op-ed outed the CIA wife of a known Bush-hater. An investigation was begun into the illegal outing of the agent, with most speculation leading to the culprit being a Bush Adminstation official. Judith Miller of the NYTimes, who did not write about the agent but apparently learned her identity, refused to cooperate with the investigation and was today sent to jail by a federal judge.

The issue here is that the news media has become obvious opponents of this government. Anything that will make the media struggle to achieve its wrongheaded ends is good by me. Miller, the NYTimes and other mainstream media outlets are always trying to catch President Bush and other Republicans, who run all branches of our government, in some sort of perceived wrongdoing. Why don't they ask questions about all the good things Bush and Co. are accomplishing?

Here are a few examples of stories Miller could have written (that might have helped keep her out of jail):
* A feature article on all the Iraqis who love us.
* A story about the toughest medical procedure Sen. Bill Frist ever performed.
* An article in which Sen Rick Santorum's ranks his favorite saints.
* Or, in an story which the NYTimes could run (but won't) tomorrow, about how after a bike-riding President Bush crashed into a Scottish police officer, who was also on a bike, old Bush dressed the guy's wounds and bought him a Scottish Ale. What a guy. How's that for international coverage?

The fact is, only lawyers, doctors and clergy deserve confidentiality rights under the law. Everybody loves lawyers and priests. But reporters? Hell, they're priests of the dark art of stabbing America in the back.

Bumper Crop

2005-07-05T13:31:00.000-05:00

TKID4 remembers a traumatic incident in his childhood when his father and a passing motorist engaged in a profanity-laced exchange on the highway. TKID4 was six years old, and he and his family were on their way home from Thanksgiving Dinner. It occurred to this first grader that the inhibitions of people fade as they drive. Where one would not imagine cursing a passing person on the street or unleashing an air horn in the direction of a man and his family, motorists perform such feats instinctively and often without provocation. Country music singer/songwriter babe Chely Wright had a similar experience to that of TKID's and penned a top 10 song in response. The song is about an encounter Chely had with a fellow driver. TKID4 decided to analyze the lyrics of the highly popular jingle to see if he and Chely shared in common the wounds and healing that such a traffic confrontation induced trauma can cause. TKID4 discovered, no such comparisons existed. Here are the lyrics:

I've got a bright red sticker on the back of my car
Says United States Marines
And yesterday a lady in a mini-van held up a middle finger at me
Does she think she knows what I stand for
Or the things that I believe
Just by looking at a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV

- The opening stanza reveals a major assumption and arguably fatal flaw in Chely's opus. She assumes that the woman driver's motivation for shooting the bird is caused by the patriotic if caustic bumper sticker. Perhaps it was Chely's poor driving that started the confrontation. Perhaps the woman disagreed with Chely's choice of automobile, an SUV which many argue create the types of dependencies on foreign fossil fuels which necessitate U.S. military interventions overseas. Feminists should decry the stereotype this song reinforces regarding the ineptitude of women drivers. They should also lighten up.

See, my brother Chris, he's been in for more than 14 years now
Our dad was in the Navy during Vietnam
Did his duty then he got out
And my grandpa earned his purple heart
On the beach of Normandy
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV

- Here Chely is quite defensive in justifying her use of the sticker. She is obviously proud of her family's military heritage, but strangely doesn't explicitly state that any of those members served in the Marines. We don't know where "Chris" is serving or in what capacity, but the vagueries of the statement lead TKID4 to think he may be in the Penn. "Dad" was in the Navy during Vietnam, but we don't know where he was stationed and if he actually served in the Vietnam area of operations, and Grandpa, while a battlefield hero, would have been in the Army or Navy if he served in the European theater in WWII, not in the Marines. There is also the cryptic line about her father doing his duty and then getting out. It is as if she is apologizing for him taking part in the Vietnam conflict and stressing that he had no choice and ceased as soon as he was able. TKID4 wonders how many U.S. servicepersons feel that way at present.

But that doesn't mean that I want war
I'm not Republican or Democrat
But I've gone all around this crazy world
Just to try and better understand
Yes, I do have questions
I get to ask them because I'm free
That's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV

- More anti-war rhetoric, and a disavowing of the U.S. two party system. TKID4 wonders if Chely is a member of the Green party, or maybe the Libertarians, or possibly the socialists, given her anti-Vietnam stance above. Perhaps she isn't registered to vote. But she has traveled the world in search of answers to her "questions." She discusses this more in the next anti-warish stanza.

'Cause I've been to Hiroshima
And I've been to the DMZ
I've walked on the sand in Baghdad
Still don't have all of the answers I need
But I guess I wanna know where she's been
Before she judges and gestures to me
'Cause she don't like my sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV

- Is Chely speaking of her personal experiences or of the war record of Marines in these lyrics? The reference to Hiroshima appears to be a thinly veiled attack on U.S. war time policies. And if she is referring to the Korean peninsula DMZ, this might be an exposure of prior U.S. military failings. The overall theme is developing here of supporting the troops while questioning the war. However Chely's version has the pseudo-patriotic delivery that John Kerry lacked when grumbling the same message last fall. Before the straddling theme is totally developed, the writer jumps back into the cat fight with the minivan driver. There is the assumption, bordering on clinical paranoia, that Chely is being "judged" by this random person. This suspicion turns to homicidal rage below. A hint of things to come is found when Chely obsesses about the driver's background and "where she's been."

So I hope that lady in her mini-van
Turns on her radio and hears this from me
As she picks up her kids from their private school
And drives home safely on our city streets
Or to the building where her church group meets
Yeah, that's why I've got a sticker for the U.S. Marines
On the bumper of my SUV

- Chely appears to know an awful lot of personal information on this random person. Has she been stalking this poor woman to learn her habits? I've heard of road rage but this is premeditation all the way. Chely knows about her family, where her children go to school, what church they attend. The record exec's may have forced her to drop the line, "And I won't stop until they are all dead." Either that or Chely is making the kind of assumptions about this woman based on the fact she is a female driving a mini van as this woman is accused of doing about the singer and her sticker.

Gandhi Bashing

2005-07-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

Liberals and their lackeys, those jackals in the media, are pouncing over Henry Kissinger today after more trancripts from the massive audio tape archives of former president Richard Nixon were released.

The taped conversation between Nixon and Kissinger took place in 1971, when Kissinger was U.S. Secretary of State. Apparently the PC-obsessed leftwingers think old Henry's language was a bit strong. Snippets from the discussion, which focused on India's then president, Indira Gandhi, and that country's march to war over Bangladesh, follow below.

"We really slobbered over the old witch," says President Nixon said of Gandhi.

"The Indians are bastards anyway," says Mr Kissinger. "They are starting a war there."

He adds: "While she was a bitch, we got what we wanted too. She will not be able to go home and say that the United States didn't give her a warm reception and therefore in despair she's got to go to war."

This controversy is nothing more than a tempest in a teapot and an attempt by weak-willed liberals to bash the legacy of a truly great man. First of all, its Dr. Kissinger, dammit. The man was trying to accomplish amazing things, like stopping the insidious spread of Communism. If some Indian president lady had to get trashed in the process, so the heck what?

The below, also taken from the tapes, has further raised hackles.

Kissinger: They are the most aggressive goddamn people around there.
Nixon: The Indians?
Kissinger: Yeah.
Nixon: Sure.

OK, seriously, who can challenge the accuracy of this exchange? Indians are aggressive. Look at Indira Gandhi's predecessor, Mahatma Gandhi. Don't let Hollywood's liberal-tainted portrayal of that wildman fool you. Nonviolent my ass. Gandhi would punch you in the face as soon as look at you. Always tapping around with that cane, what a charade. The cane, as conservative bloggers have conclusively proven, contained a high-powered rifle and various torture devices. Now, Dr. Kissinger was a great thinker. But George W. is cut from a tougher metal. If he had been around to deal with Gandhi or his uppity successor, well, you can bet freedom would have been on the march in the Indian subcontinent.

Call to Arms

2005-06-29T15:10:00.000-05:00

Last night, while TKID5 was sipping a Corona on his couch, he listened as President Bush extolled the progress of our nation's toils in Iraq, urging patience and resolve. It was a hell of a speech. One aspect, however, stuck in this kid's craw:

"To those considering military service, there is no higher calling than service in the armed forces," Bush said.

The president's pitch for signing-up had a profound effect on me. Of course I'm a true patriot, having supported the war from the get-go. But, am I doing enough for the cause? Is my yellow ribbon bumper sticker proof that I'm a good American?

Yes. It is. Now see, in this, the world's greatest country, some people are meant to do the fighting while others take care of business on the home front. I'm one of those cats with an uncanny knack with numbers and schmoozing, which means my place in life is earning the big bucks, then watching them trickle down, helping our economy and the war effort.

This philosophy is not unique. In fact, many conservative heroes have espoused similar arguments for taking a pass on military service, most notable VP Cheney, who said he had "other priorities" during Vietnam and Tom DeLay, who famously remarked that ceding his slot during that war to a less lucky man was a charitable act, by giving a leg up to someone from those lower classes. Good on them, I say.

Now, if I could swing a deal like President Bush did back in 'Nam, that would be a different story. I'd love to fly a sweet jet like the F-102 Delta Dagger: http://www.wpafb.af.mil/museum/air_power/ap54.htm, as long as I could confine that service to the odd weekend here and there, while still being able to enjoy the night life, as did Bush. During the war, the future president and tough guy Texan lived in a deluxe apartment complex called Chateau Dijon, complete with a huge swimming pool, and often rolled around Houston in his Triumph, slaying the ladies. That's living. (The bachelor's tale: http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/_/id/6482734?pageid=rs.Politics&pageregion=single4)

But, alas, the part-time fighter jock gig isn't what you get when you sign up for the national guard or the reserve these days. Word is, practically as soon as they scribble their John Hanckocks, today's reservists are handed a rifle and dropped down on the streets of Mosul or Fallujah. No thanks. Besides, my country needs me here. Did I mention that I have a yellow ribbon bumper sticker on SUV?

God-Lovers At Their Finest

2005-06-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

TKID5 is all for protesting the tyranny of secularism. But a conservative group's random protest on Monday of the funeral of a soldier killed in Iraq seems to go a bit far. In fact, I have no clue what this group, under the leadership of their God-like leader, Rev. Fred Phelps, are trying to say. The good Reverend hates gays. That much is clear. He blames our nation's "tolerance" of gays for the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Therefore, he is taking his group to protest the funerals of soldiers -- non-gay soldiers -- who are killed in the war in Iraq. The following quote, taken from an LA Times story, is their explanation for protesting outside of a soldier's funeral that was held in Massachusetts on Monday.

"We are protesting the sins of this nation," Phelps-Roper [a lawyer for the group] said. "That doesn't exclude him."

OK.

Apparently the local police department's bagpipe band drowned out the protesters when they'd pipe up with their little slogans.

Back to War

2005-06-24T22:30:00.000-05:00

To all of my readers, both of you, my deepest apologies. TKID's Blog has indeed been dormant of late, like a liquor store on a Sunday morning, and I have little excuse. Nonetheless, I will hazard one. The One And Only TKID recently paid me, and the fine ladies of this town, a visit. It was one hell of a tour, and the worst bender this kid has seen since that weekend in Vegas, Circus Circus to be exact, circa 1998. Bygones. Suffice to say that the reek of booze and sleepless evenings put the noble pursuit of truth that is TKID's Blog on the back burner.

When I awoke from my stupor, my guilt was stoked beyond the usual hungover self-revulsion by the heroic comments of my role model, the brilliant Karl Rove. This man, the moral compass that TKID5 looks to on dark days, offered inspiring words to a gathering in NYC this weekend. A snippet follows:

"Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers," Rove said.

After reading this line, I flashed back to that horrid day, where, over drinks at my local watering hole, I witnessed just this sort of treachery. Everywhere, liberals were applauding the terrorists, offering explanations for their actions, and discussing the need to ship therapists to Saudi Arabia and Pakistan. I was outraged, and went home to polish my .22 rifle. Before long, I was practicing my marching in the back yard, and summoning the courage to sign up for the special forces. After banging out 25 pushups - in one session - I knew I was ready for the Navy Seals. But on the way to the Marine Corps recruiting center, I spotted the beckoning neon of Coors Light at a fine public house, and the rest is history.

Needless to say, my shame is complete. But now, with the words of encouragement from Karl Rove, I realize it's time for me to go to war. I'm putting down this beer, and doing crunches right now.

Over, and out!

Man vs. Monkey vs. Mutant

2005-06-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

Creationism proponents took one step backward today as they were forced to concede that God did not create MAN in his image, but rather, MOST MEN. This startling retraction from earlier Biblical dogma was prompted by the recent uncovery of one Brian Peppers. Peppers, a nice guy from Ohio, seems to be more of a mutant than a man. Yet, according to Evolutionists Inc., Brian is most definitely a man. His pedigree is well documented here. Evolutionists spokesman Raymond Fitzchandler challenged Kansas State Board of Education members at a town hall meeting last Wednesday night with photos of Mr. Peppers. He stated to the panel, "Do you think God looks like this guy? I tell you what, if I was shown a picture of this dude in Sunday School back in the day and told he was the Almighty, I would have jumped out the window. My God is white with a big beard and flowing robes, not some C.H.U.D."

Seth Nightingale, spokesman for Creationismists.Org, a think tank organization based in St. Louis that has provided much needed support to several Kansas Education Board officials, refuted Fitzchandler. "Our opponents are assuming that Mr. Peppers really is a man. Maybe he isn't. Maybe he's the dreaded Puerto Rican Chupacabra monster. I don't know. What I do know is if he is designated a man, he belongs to that group of sub-humans that were not created in God's own image."

TKID4 is currently researching various Biblical tomes for references of monkeys and apes. So far he hasn't come up with one word about our simian cousins. Mostly its just talk about walking around in a desert. As far as TKID4 is concerned, that's one point for creationists.

Fairy Tales About Gods and Monkeys

2005-06-15T17:52:00.000-05:00

It's getting hot over at the Kansas State Board of Education, where boardmembers are currently debating the relative merits of teaching evolution and/or intelligent design, TKID5's favorite explanation of how the majesty that is me came to be. The AP reports that boardmembers are slinging insults with reckless abandon, and that an aggressive letter from Connie Morris of the board is stirring up angst.

In the letter, the AP reports, "Morris derided evolution as an 'age-old fairy tale,' sometimes defended with 'anti-God contempt and arrogance.' She wrote that evolution is 'a theory in crisis' and headlined one section of her newsletter 'The Evolutionists are in Panic Mode!'"

Anti-God fairy tales always freaked-out TKID5 when he was a wee lad, particularly ones about how my ancestors were monkeys that had mutated over millions of years, eventually evolving to the shimmering beauty of my God-like form.

Actually, I preferred other fairy tales, the ones told to me in bible class. My favorite was the one about how a mysterious, male deity created all that there is in six days, resting on the seventh, because although he was all powerful, he must've been tired. The only aspect of this otherwise comforting story that bothered me was the fact that the God-man worked for six straight days. TKID5 ain't doing that, no way.

The Empire Strikes Back

2005-06-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

After a week in which Howard Dean, the dem's pitbull, took potshots at helpless Republicans, somebody final had the verve and gusto to fight fire with fire.

Calling Howard Dean "over the top," Vice President Dick Cheney decried Dean's insensitive and inflammatory comments, adding that Dean is "not the kind of individual you want to have representing your political party."

Damn skippy, Dick.

"I've never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I've never met anybody who does. He's never won anything, as best I can tell," Cheney said in the interview with Fox News Channel.

Sure, some of those wussy liberals might whine that Cheney took the low road by bringing Dean's mother into his heroic bashing of the Vermont pansy. But seriously, who among us could call the Dickster anything other than an honorable, decent man?

God speed, VP Cheney!

Crossing Over

2005-06-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

TKID4 is a big fan of John Edward, self-proclaimed medium and until recently television star. His show "Crossing Over" was cancelled due to poor ratings but his contribution to society lives on. Many fans were crushed by the sudden cancellation of his show. One in particular created a moving web tribute to the psychic-stud, as can be seen here. Be sure and have a box of skin-sensitive tissues nearby when you open this page though, as the musical tribute to this man will move you to otherworldly tears.

One conservative watchdog group is comparing the talents of John Edward to failed V.P. candidate and personal injury attorney John Edwards. Apparently Edwards claimed at trial to be channeling his cerebral palsy-afflicted client's words through him and into the jurors' ears. The jury later awarded the plaintiff several million dollars.

Both Johns may have more free time on their hands at the moment, but John Edward has left the t.v. studio in favor of a lengthy international tour. Prices at several of the venues, including major cities Chicago, NYC and South Florida run $175 pp. For his reluctant trips to the sticks, including Cleveland, Minneapolis and Salt Lake, $59 gets you in the door. No word if the accuracy of Edward's cold calls increase as the ticket prices escalate.

TKID4 will be sending its NYC correspondent Ted "TKed" Kiegals to Edward's appearance there in late summer. Please feel free to write in with questions you may like us to ask John at that time. None of those questions will be asked however, as John doesn't allow much from his audience members except for "yes," "no" and "who should I make this check out to?"

Tazy Days of Summer

2005-06-03T12:20:00.000-05:00

TKID2 believes that in America, if you speed in your vehicle, you deserve to have several thousand volts surging through your veins, multiple times, as this video shows.

TKID2 doesn't know the Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 from his Ps2, but he knows that this nation needs a strong military-type presence in its streets, Baghdad-stylee, and the taser is the first line of civil defense in the war on criminals, thugs, and the underprivileged. Like the catchy-cop phrase "Click it or Ticket," it is important that would-be lead footers live by the mantra, "Slow down or get internally bar-b-qued." Of course, tasers will be of little use to our law enforcement personnel when the robots arise to revolt against their flesh-masters. That is why we need to conquer space, so that future Americans can slip the surly bonds of a future robot infested earth and live large in floating space colonies in the vicinity of the Van Allen Belt.

In Deep Qaa Qaa

2005-06-03T11:20:00.000-05:00

The U.N. announced that its "satellite imagery experts" have determined that some rather nasty dual-use WMD material has been removed from 109 different locations in Iraq since 2003. One site which caught the attention of inspectors was the Qaa Qaa industrial complex south of Baghdad, where a substantial amount of chemical manufacturing equip and material has turned up missing.

U.N. inspectors have not been allowed on the ground in Iraq since the start of the war but continue to monitor through satellite photos sites known to contain chem and bio weapons manfuacturing equipment. This announcement is included in a report to the U.N. Security Council which does not contain indications of where this voluminous material may have ended up. TKID4 was provided exclusive photos of southern Iraq by a source deep within the Galactic Empire which showed what appeared to be Jawa Sandcrawler tracks streaking across the vast desert. Whether there is any connection between the fictional nomadic midget sand traders and the material theft remains to be seen.

There has been no response from U.S. authorities to the U.N. report, but TKID4 is betting that this material was ferreted away long ago by U.S. Special Forces. This does produce the troubling thought however that the U.S. government was withholding their activities from the U.N. The only uranium-tip producing chink in the armor of my theory that Uncle Sam is behind the house cleaning in Iraq are previous reports from the U.N. commission charged with monitoring the sites, known as UNMOVIC, which disclosed the discovery of material from several of the looted sites showing up in Jordan and the Netherlands. With this equipment making its way to Europe most likely by sea, TKID4 is wondering if the Bush Administration was right all along. Perhaps Iraq did have WMD's (or at least the capacity to make them). For those who long for the days when such material was accounted for, TKID4 asks you this. Would you rather have them concentrated in the hands of a madman like Saddam, or on several hundred non-descript global containment ships pulling up to a harbor near you?

conservative v. liberal babes

2005-06-03T10:38:00.000-05:00

Two of TKID5's favorite conservative commentators are Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Their scathing critiques of liberalism and its ilk are top notch. Remember Coulter's line about killing all the leaders of Muslim countries? That was awesome! However, one theory proposed by these two, which seems to be gaining salience among my fellow blog/talk radio partisans, is that liberals no longer tout the hot chicks among their ranks. They assert that the hotties are now fully in the pantheon of the conservative revolution, while liberals are left with wrinkled hippies. One common explanation for this shift is that the good looking ladies are bellwethers of social change; that the ladies are flocking to the paradigm of our time, which is a return to good old American traditional values, and that wherever the female cuties go, men will follow.

Though TKID5 desperately wants this to be true, he finds little evidence to back this heavenly theory. Coulter and Malkin may be geniuses, but hot? Oh my gawd. Just the thought of Coulter naked gives me the chills. She looks like Buffalo Bill in a blonde wig. And whenever TKID5 goes to a rightwing party - perhaps a strategy session or a book burning - he sees a lot of suits and a few church ladies. Let's face it, the righteous, Godly chicks are butt. Though TKID5 likes to espouse family values in his politics, that no sex until marriage thing is not part of his credo. And the Christian rock scene? No thanks. I don't need to listen to some wanker yapping about the New Testament over Deep Purple chords while a plumper who would only go missionary-style - if I was lucky - does that awful Jenna Bush "hook 'em horns" sign with her tongue hanging out.

On the other hand, whenever TKID5 traipses around enemy territory - the dens of liberal hell like NYC, Chicago or SF - he spots rampant numbers of hotties. Of course, these ladies sniff out my family values style before I can tell them I'm a Senate staffer who believes in faith-based giving (I'm all about giving, baby), but I'm not sure those lines would even work with them. And just the thought of their liberal, free-living ways, the lifestyle of the modern woman, makes TKID5 desperately jealous of those crunchy, sissy liberal guys.

Oh well, back to perusing my conservative dating service.

Till We Meet Again

2005-06-01T09:38:00.000-05:00

The FBI is about to exhume the body of Emmett Till, a young man murdered a half century ago in the deep south. Till was resting in a cemetery in the Chicago suburb of Alsip, IL before Federal Agents probed the peaceful earth with their shovels to locate the corpse. Authorities erected a white tent where friends and family of Till gathered for a memorial service. Then workers brought in a backhoe and started digging overnight to expose the concrete vault holding his remains.

Till was visiting relatives in Mississippi 50 years ago when it is claimed he whistled at a white store clerk. He was later kidnapped in the middle of the night and found several days later in the Tallahatchie River. He had been tortured and shot. There was a trial of several suspects followed by an expected acquittal. No autopsy was ever done.

The purpose of the exhumation is reportedly to determine the cause of death and more importantly, to investigate whether additional people beyond the men originally tried for the killing may have been responsible. Even with additional evidence, prosecution of those responsible may be difficult if not impossible, since many men previously implicated in the murder have since passed away and those still alive are just hanging on at age 75 and above.

TKID4 for one is resting easy knowing the FBI is devoting its strained resources to studying a murder that occurred 50 years ago rather than hunting down domestic terrorist cells which are at this minute planning to attack unguarded nuclear power plants across the nation. I can forgive the Bureau for bumbling the entire pre-911 investigation of Al-Qaeda activities at flight schools leading to the deaths of over 2500 people as well as two wars, but I will not rest until the G-Men painstakingly exhume the body of James Dean to determine whether he really did die while driving his porsche recklessly one evening in 1955, or....if it was murder.

In other news, the FBI is considering digging up the mass grave at Wounded Knee, South Dakota, to understand exactly how those injuns died. One theory holds that several dozen U.S. Army Officer's rifles discharged unexpectedly into the crowd of unarmed Native Americans due to a French manufacturer's design defect. If proven true, hopefully this new evidence would exonerate the U.S. Government from years of accusations that it conducted a systemized campaign of genocide versus Native Americans and allow for the privatization of Federal Indian Reservations and the utilzation of its inhabitants cheap labor supply.

I Heart (Hate) NY

2005-05-27T15:49:00.000-05:00

Like many conservatives, we here at TKID's Blog were upset about the events of 9/11, not least of which because we were put in the unenviable position of having to pretend that we love New York City. Clearly, no place on the planet (with the possible exception of Paris and Moscow) is as antithetical to The American Way of Life as are that island chain of heathens that make up the five boroughs of NYC. Nevertheless, I was forced to put on a hat that read "FDNY" like everybody else in my Red State stomping grounds and act as if I, too, were part New Yorker.

Well, the statute of limitations has clearly been reached; it's once again acceptable to admit a general loathing of NYC. It makes me sick to even think of those effete liberals and gays who prance around those gilded city streets, walking their poodles with golden leashes, ordering around their au pairs and scooping up caviar by the gallon. Those people clearly hate America and everything it stands for.

TKID5 speaks from experience. He once visited Manhattan, and though he's a big enough man to admit that it wasn't quite what he expected - the crowds of immigrants, the bustle, grime, noise and palpable energy was downright frightening - he still hated the place. The time has come for all of us to proudly admit our NYC hatred. And I'll take it a step further: we here at TKID's Blog propose a forced secession of NYC for treason against things American. We can process all New Yorkers at Ellis Island, stripping their citizenship and, if they're hot, strip-search them. Then, we can barricade off Manhattan like they did in "Escape from New York." We'll all be much better off once this is accomplished.

Lovely Di Rita

2005-05-26T09:16:00.000-05:00

Terrorist suspects held at Guantanamo Bay prison told U.S. interrogators in April 2002 that military guards abused them and desecrated the Quran, according to recently declassified FBI records.

Among allegations made were that, “The guards beat the detainees. They flushed a Quran in the toilet.”

Lawrence Di Rita, chief spokesman for Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, and one very attractive man TKID4 might add, countered by saying that the specific prisoner who made the earlier statement was later interviewed and “Did not corroborate his own allegation." Di Rita did not answer whether or not that prisoner was conscious at the time of the second interview.

When asked if he had an opinion as to why the prisoner did not affirm his previous allegation, Di Rita said, “It’s a judgment call, and I trust the judgment of the commanders more than I trust the judgment of al-Qaida.” By commanders, Di Rita was most likely referring to the types of U.S. senior personnel who embody the spirit of fair play and decency, such as Brigadier General Janis Karpinski, overseer of Abu "Good times" Gharib prison complex.

Rita said the charges of deliberate Quran desecration by U.S. military personnel were “fantastic” and “not credible on their face.” He cited the U.S. policy of dissuading behavior among guards which might inflame passions among the prisoners.

Furthermore, Di Rita said the Pentagon had not seen the FBI documents containing prisoner allegations until they were made public Wednesday by the American Civil Liberties Union, who got them after pressing for a federal court order under the Freedom of Information Act.

TKID4 wants to offer his support to Di Rita, one of America's true heroes. I believe Di Rita when he says the Pentagon had no idea what was going on at Guantanamo, and had no record of any of these prisoner interrogations. It may be true that Guantanamo is a U.S. military installation , and in many of these interrogations described in the FBI documents, military officers were present, including those from Air Force Office of Special Investigations, as well as Navy and Army investigations personnel. And it did take a private entity's tireless legal battle to uncover the heavily redacted documents. But with the U.S. military waging a constant war against Afghanistan, Iraq, and Freedom of the Press, why should we burden it with demands for transparency?

TKID4 supports the U.S. position on the treatment of these sub-humans in Cuba. As Di Rita claims, the Pentagon is the last entity that would want to inflame the passions of Guantanamo prisoners. That is why they hired independent female contractors to sexually interrogate conservative muslim prisoners at Gitmo, rather than real G.I.s or Feds.

Prior to joining up with The Ruminator, Di Rita worked at the socially oriented Heritage Foundation, a public policy research institute whose mission is to support "free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense."

Playing Detective

2005-05-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

A person wearing a Darth Vader mask robbed a Springfield, IL movie theater last evening. Springfield Police however have no one in custody and have few leads. Amazingly, the police claim to have no suspects.

TKID 4 would like to reprimand the Springfield Police for their ineptitude in this matter. It is obvious to everyone that Darth Vader is the robber. He was postively identifed at the scene. He's been in the area recently. He's evil. And he's been seen in theaters all over the U.S. this past week.

Darth Vader assaulted a lowly theater employee and took an undetermined amount of cash before running out of the theater and into a nearby wooded area, most likely to gain access to his concealed Imperial tie-fighter. No weapons were displayed. Perhaps his light saber was being repaired. He probably pulled the phantom choke manuever too.

When will our heroes in uniform learn to see the truth for what it is. The sooner we realize that a dark force is threatening the Jedi Council, the better for all of us. And Leia.

Space Riots

2005-05-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

President Bush will wisely approve a national security directive in several days which will move the United States closer to fielding offensive and defensive space weapons. As in space lasers and stuff. With the recent failings of the U.S. Space Shuttle program and the International Space Station, the implementation of such a directive would move America the Beautiful and the world away from the space race and towards a space arms race.

The Pentagon has already spent billions of dollars developing and pre-deploying space weapons. This directive would provide the authorization and blueprint for full deployment of such weaponry as the mobile multiple nuclear warhead launch vehicle (MMNWLV) and the comprehensive missile defense shield (CMDS). Opponents of the directive claim that such an aggressive posture by the U.S. may cause an escalation not only in space-based arms, but in land and sea based weapons as well.

Air Force officials said the directive did not call for militarizing space. According to its spokesman, Sam the Eagle, the focus is not on putting weapons in space, but rather "having free access in space.” TKID4 nuclear proliferation policy analyst Ted Kiegals clarified the statement. "With all the alien space robots causing havoc for our lunar land colonies up there, it is time the U.S. started protecting its settlers. We need to clear out that space, just like we did the Midwest plains of those backwater vermin in the 1500s."

Lost in the debate of whether the U.S. should man outerspace with floating death platforms is the threat of as-of-yet unknown alien species launching a surprise attack against earth. "You can bet those little green goblins are sitting pretty right as we speak in their musty pods, somewhere on the dark side of the moon," Kiegals said. "When Bush signs this directive, that will get their antennae a'twitchin."

The full directive can be viewed at the Air Force's website www.af.milf/.

Newsweek Calls Up Three Platoons

2005-05-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

Newsweek's management is acting decisively to counteract the damage wrought by a disasterously errant report in the magazine, which claimed that prison guards at Gitmo tossed a Koran in a toilet. Mark Whitaker, Newsweek's editor, today announced that three platoons of editorial staffers would abandon their posts for rapid deployment to battlezones in Afghanistan in Iraq.

The announcement comes hours after last night's White House press conference, during which Newsweek was castigated for the longterm effects of their betrayal of U.S. forces.

During the press conference, presidential spokesman Scott McClellan said: "This report, which Newsweek has now retracted and said was wrong, has had serious consequences. People did lose their lives. The image of the United States abroad has been damaged; there is lasting damage to our image because of this report. And we would encourage Newsweek to do all that they can to help repair the damage that has been done, particularly in the region."

McClellan went on to say that Newsweek should order staffers to abandon their keyboards for rifles, and to "get out where the action is."

We here at TKID's Blog commend Newsweek's belated move to join the battle for the American Way of Life. Perhaps, just perhaps, this act will erase some of the damage the magazine brought to the U.S. image abroad, which was set back at least 20 years by the 10-sentence news story.

However, Newsweek must move quickly to stifle fast-breaking news that members of their foreign correspondent team, which double as special agents for the U.S., have participated in brutal repression of the Iraqi people. Turkish news media today reported that Newsweek reporters, who often work as snipers and sappers for U.S. special forces, often tortured suspected insurgents while interrogating them under the cover of conducting interviews for the newsweekly. Also reported today was news that Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff in 2003 grabbed an AK-47 from an Afghan boy and hosed down a crowd of mosque worshippers. Isikoff, allegedly crazed on speed and heroin, shot and killed at least 35 villagers.

Newsweek must work to ensure that their troops, as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said, "be very careful about what they say, just as they need to be very careful about what they do."

Fictional Revived Athlete Tased in School Parking Lot

2005-05-17T17:07:00.000-05:00

Following his remarkable recovery from a massive myocardial infarction, Willie McGinnis, power forward for the Chippewa State Desert Rays was tased to death in the Ft. Worth, Colorado gymnasium parking lot by police officers. McGinnis had minutes earlier collapsed on the court, only to be revived by paramedics through the use of a Duracell battery-powered German-made Der Fibrillator model X-125R, nicknamed "Die Katzefleisch Machine." He went on to score 14 points on 7 for 8 shooting, before being carried out of the gym by fans. As he reached for his car keys, four off duty officers tased him. Ironically, the taser may have been equipped with Duracell Ultra® batteries. The long-lasting, reliable batteries are the energy source of choice for tasers. The PerpZapper 6000EZ, the taser of choice for the Chippewa County Sheriffs Department Shock Force Elite Squad delivers a powerful jolt of electricity, normally to the groin, of suspects.

According to a spokesman for Tasers Inc., Ron Rickwaith, "The PerpZapper provides the pure stopping power of a Colt .44 Magnum, but without the post-op clean up." He went on, "It is probable that Duracell provided that power, and just as the good book says, Duracell giveth life, and Duracell taketh away."

duracell gives the hard sell

2005-05-17T16:53:00.000-05:00

Last night TKID5 was watching "The Bachelor" (his subsequent shame and self-revulsion was so powerful that it required a two-hour shower during which he screamed like a banshee) when he saw something that made him gag on his ho ho.

A commercial for Duracell batteries was running. On it, a kindly black woman was proudly snapping photos of her handsome son in his basketball duds. I hardly took notice of this bland tripe. Then, while the kid was playing in "the big game" he collapsed on the court. My interest piqued, I watched in shock as paramedics rushed onto the court and, armed with a Duracell-toting defibrillator, shocked the dying hoops player back to life. They literally showed the black kid jolt when they hit him with the juice. It was like some sick version of the Hank Gathers story, all portrayed to sell us batteries.

Profoundly moved, TKID5 went to the nearest corner liquor store and purchased 25 packs of Duracell batteries (along with a 40 oz. of Laser) to help support this noble company. Without more money from people like me, Duracell won't be able to continue saving lives as it did so heroically in this commercial.

Newsweek Implicated in Abusing Taliban Prisoners

2005-05-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

The Bush administration reports that the periodical Newsweek has violated the Geneva Convention on over 200 separate occasions during its treatment of political prisoners at the U.S. military facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The magazine had recently apologized and acknowledged its source for a May 1 issue regarding prison abuses "was uncertain." That article, which quoted a military source as saying that interrogators flushed copies of the Quran down some $25,000 per Haliburton toilets at the Cuban prison, has sparked riots around the world by unruly and obviously irrational religious zealots. Whether or not the Justice Department will file criminal charges against the magazine for sytematically torturing prisoners in Cuba remains to be seen.

When asked for her take on the situation, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice called the story "appalling." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld chastised the magazine, saying "people lost their lives. People are dead." It is unclear if Rumsfeld was referring to the recent riots or the +20,000 Iraqis killed during the illegal U.S. occupation of that country the last two years.

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said "this report has had serious consequences. It has caused damage to the image of the United States abroad." Weekly Annals News Gazette CEO David Lopan commented on the situation as well. "It was bad enough when the U.S. ethnically cleansed several thousand civilians in Fallujah last year, but for Newsweek to report that Uncle Sam doesn't play fair when he tortures detainees is obscene. Qurans can't even fit down toilets. Urrr...probably."

Advocates for Guantanamo prisoners said Newsweek's plight should not obscure the issue of prisoners' treatment at Guantanamo Bay. According to Tina Foster, an Attorney for the Center for Constitutional Rights, "There have been firsthand accounts by former detainees of desecration of the Koran," and "It is unfortunate that the story has become about the reporting because the real issue here is the abuse itself."

TKID4 is calling for an investigation into Ms. Foster and what role she may have had in the torture of political prisoners in Cuba, the Hijacking of the Achille Lauro, the failure of the U.S. Intelligence Community to Thwart 9-11, the 1919 Black Sox Scandal and the theft and publishing of the Pentagon Papers.

Washington Wimps

2005-05-11T14:33:00.000-05:00

Another plane strayed into Washington, DC airspace today. The response on the part of Government workers and officials was predictable...and sad. Utter terror, confusion, panic, and sprinting to and fro. Even Dick Cheney hauled tail to an underground bunker. The plane was a small 2 or 4 seater, single engine variety. The type you see buzzing gently over tree tops on sunday afternoons in a Dayton, OH suburb or pulling a banner advertising "2 for 1 mixed drinks at Spinnakers" along a Panama City Beach coastline. Hardly the type of aircraft that would cause a city to collectively become incontinent. On this day, the colors that never run ran fast as hell. But why?

Two men were in the aircraft on their way to a North Carolina air show. They simply screwed up trying to skirt restricted airspace during their trip. More than likely one of them spilled his dip cup in the confined cabin, several "goddamns" were exchanged, the men bent over to clean off their Dickey's overalls and before they knew it they were on approach for the South Lawn.

The detour prompted a scrambling of U.S. fighter jets on a 9-11 scale, meaning two or three responded. They fired "flares" at the plane. Some accounts have an airforce pilot pulling alongside the plane and asking them politely to pull over for a minute. The plane was later escorted to a military base and the men placed in custody. Whew.

TKID4 wonders what happened to the country he used to call home. Where the eagle soared, where rambo ate things that would make a billygoat puke, where we didn't take any "S@$% from the commies. Now, a blip on a radar screen makes us run for the hills, sip our lattes and type away at our blackberries in one efficient and mindless motion.

Why didn't we just shoot that stupid plane right out of the sky. Just fire a sidewinder and vaporize those two pricks. We could show the F-16 nose cam film over and over on CNN. That would make other would-be Wiley Posts put some forethought into their flight plans. Moreover, it would balance out the videos and photos of cowering Americans now playing on Al-Jazeera. Can you imagine winter-hardened Moscovites acting this way if a small Cesena was approaching from the west towards the Kremlin? Putin would personally man the anti-aircraft gun and then light his cigar in the wreckage. TKID 4 would have more respect for Cheney if he did likewise, taking post on top of the White House and challenging that plane to a duel, rather than seeking refuge underground with the oversized D.C. swamp rats.

elections and eternal damnation

2005-05-11T09:55:00.000-05:00

A young pastor who last fall told his congregation in North Carolina that those planning to vote Democrat should "repent or resign" has stepped down. Many of the pastor's congregation also fled their pews in protest when the Baptist pastor, Rev. Chan Chandler, left the pulpit of the East Waynesville Baptist Church on Tuesday night. (On a side note, have you ever noticed the incredible number of Waynesvilles? That Wayne was one prolific guy.)

Rev. Chandler refused to apologize for his tirades against Democrats, an act of defiance that was supported by many members of the church.

"I'm not going to serve with the ungodly," an angry Misty Turner declared to the AP, upon quitting with Rev. Chandler.

We here at TKID's Blog would like to commend Rev. "Charlie" Chan Chandler for his heroic stand. As one of the loyal members of his congregation told the AP, "If it's in the Bible, I believe it should be preached." And clearly, given my voluminous research on the Good Book, God prefers George W. Bush to all takers.

Democrats just aren't godly, as a wise man like old Chan knows. Furthermore, what role should a pastor take if not to lead his flock, particularly in spelling out for the morons how, exactly, to do such things as for whom to vote? This church was in East West Waynesboro, NC, for God's sake. Do you think that these inbred rednecks know how to tie their shoes without someone telling them how to do it? Come on. Self determination might work in those effete European nations like Germany, Holland and Argentina, where everyone wears wire-rim glasses and learns to read at age four, but not in the good old U.S. of A.

Tazed and Confused

2005-05-10T09:14:00.000-05:00

The Liberal press is once again hounding the blue-uniformed heroes that preserve the fabric of this great land. Today's call to arms involves the use of tazers, electric stun devices meant to incapacitate assailants whilst preserving the peace. Police departments nationwide have invested in tazers and tazer training as a means to segway from handgun violence and allow for officers to make arrests in an efficient fashion. But recently, several tazer episodes have become part of the public record, and the liberal media is once again twisting the facts to support their agenda.

Never was this more evident than in the coverage surrounding the Seattle woman who was tazered when she refused to sign her speeding ticket. Here are the "unspun" facts:

- A mom had just dropped her child off at school.
- She was clocked by a police radar gun travelling 32 mph in a 20 mph zone.
- She refused to sign the speeding ticket presented to her.
- The officer wisely called for backup before the situation escalated.
- Upon further refusal to sign, officers attempted to lawfully arrest her for failing to sign the ticket.
- The officer brandished a 50,000 volt stun gun and gave a demonstration of its power to the woman who was unwilling to exit her car.
- The stun gun was then applied to her thigh and neck.
- The woman was safely incapacitated and the officers made a quick and efficient arrest.
- TKID 4 has nominated these officer-heroes for commendation.

What the left-wing press wants you to believe is that this woman was eight months pregnant and that officers abused their powers of arrest when they repeatedly tazered her. They want you to think that the South Precinct, Seattle fire medics who examined Brooks, confirmed she was pregnant and recommended she be evaluated at Harborview Medical Center were somehow in a better position to judge the pregnancy status of the assailant than the responding officers.

A police spokesman rightly defended the officer heroes' response to the situation when he stated, "Why use a Taser in a simple traffic stop? Well, the citizen has made it more of a problem. It's no longer a traffic stop. This is now a confrontation."

Instead of making these officers out to be mindless thugs, a responsible media outlet should highlight the real problems this story exposes. Why did it take repeated tazer applications to subdue this criminal? Why are we allowing our officers to go out on patrol with low-voltage tazers?

living in sin

2005-05-10T09:10:00.000-05:00

Those freedom-hating cretins at the ACLU are at it again. Every good conservative blogger knows that the ACLU's lawyers are up all night, scheming of dastardly ways to undermine religious practices and The American Way of Life.

But they've gone way too fare with a lawsuit filed recently in North Carolina. The ACLU's latest salvo seeks to dismantle North Carolina's ban on cohabitation. The law, which has been on the books since 1805, prohibits unmarried couples from shacking-up to the tune of $1,000 fine and 60 days in jail. Six other states sport similar laws.

The ACLU's challenge is based on a suit filed by a female sheriff's deputy who was fired when she refused her boss's demand of marrying her boyfriend or moving out.

Now TKID5 can see why some people might not like government getting involved in peoples' decisions about who they live with. Jail might seem a bit stiff for a cohabiting couple who has yet to tie the knot. But not when you realize that cohabitation is the fast-track to living like the devil. If unmarried folks start living together, next thing they know they're shooting up heroin and engaging in bestiality. This is a culture war we're in, people, and it's time to choose sides. TKID5 knows he and the ACLU are staring each other down, hands on pistols. Whose side are you on?

This quote might help you make up your mind:

"We think that it's good to have a law against cohabitation because the studies show that couples that cohabitate before they're married, that their marriages are more prone to break up, there's less stability in the marriage," said Bill Brooks, executive director of the conservative North Carolina Family Policy Council, in an interview with the AP.

Listen to old Bill, he knows what he's talking about. That guy used to live with a female circus midget in the '50s. Needless to say, things didn't work out. But he saw the light, and so must we all.

Calvert 1, Scientists 0

2005-05-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

TKID 4 is no scientist. But if he were, and he were confronted by a young 20-something ish college female with blonde hair, (cough) firm body, and firm resolve in her drive to debunk evolutionary theory by questioning me with the following script, I would immediately renounce the scientific method and torch my periodic table. John Calvert is supplying millions of Americans, including the likes of the above described, with the following do-it-yourself creationism/evolution debate, complete with predicted responses from a confused teacher.

WHO CAN ANSWER MY QUESTION?
By John Calvert, who grants permission to use and copy to anyone

My Name is ____________. I am ____________________.

With the help of _____________, we would like to demonstrate a fundamental problem with the Naturalistic underpinning of the proposed Science Standards.

STUDENT: I have a question - When I look at people, they look designed to me. I also hear there is a lot of evidence that confirms my intuition. Some chemists say that physical and chemical laws can’t account for biological information. Biochemists say many biological systems are irreducibly complex. Mathematicians say it is statistically impossible for the first cell to have been assembled out of nothing. Geologists say that the fossil record shows life appearing abruptly rather than gradually. Astronomers say the Universe is so finely tuned that if you just changed one constant by a smidgen, we wouldn’t be here. So, isn’t there a lot of evidence that we might be designed?

TEACHER: I can’t answer your question. We are not allowed to talk about design. It is outside the “domain” of science.

STUDENT: That doesn’t make sense to me. I hear this stuff coming from scientists.

TEACHER: Well, they just don’t know what science is.

STUDENT They just think they are scientists, but really aren’t? Well, what is science?

TEACHER: Science is the activity of seeking only natural explanations of what we see. These guys are inferring design from the evidence. Scientists aren’t allowed to do that. You are not allowed to discuss the possibility of intelligent design.

STUDENT: Isn’t that censorship? Who can answer my question, if you are not allowed to talk about it?

TEACHER: [Nervous cough] I am told that you have to go to your family or other appropriate source.

STUDENT: My family doesn’t know anything about complexity in living systems, biochemistry, physics, geology, statistics or cosmology. So what is an appropriate source?

TEACHER: I don’t know. Maybe your pastor or a philosopher.

STUDENT: Come on Teach! They don’t know anything about that stuff. Who can answer my question if scientists can’t?

The script ends at this point, but TKID 4 can't help but speculate about the continuing dialog which could very well be taking place right now in the corn fields of Topeka and the back alleys of L.A. between the "teach" and the student. Most likely stirring debates over the 1st Amendment Church and State clause are underway, or possibly solicitations for sexual intercourse.

monkey business - part II

2005-05-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

Hearings over the teaching of evolution began today before the Kansas Board of Education. Complete with lawyers and "expert" testimony, the trial is a reprise of the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925. Only this time, evolution is under fire, not creationism.

"This is the Scopes trial turned on its head," proudly proclaimed Bruce Chapman, president of the Seattle-based Discovery Institute, in an interview with the AP.

We here at TKID's Blog see the Kansas monkey debate as progress, erasing the wrongheaded direction in which our nation's education has drifted since the '20s, when booze was still banned - a far greater abomination than the Scopes trial.

The well-funded Discovery Institute is among the groups leading the charge against Darwin's idiotic premise that humans evolved from monkeys, and before that, bacteria and the like. The Institute explains the main thrust on its Web site, stating that it "favors teaching students about the scientific evidence for and against neo-Darwinism." The con arguments, apparently, are that natural selection and random mutations may not be "sufficient to explain the complexity of life."

Though the Institute and their posse don't come out and admit it, only one entity is powerful enough to create the wondorous majesty of life in all its complexities (such as TKID5's absurdly splendid liver, which has managed to keep him alive by processing approximately 15,000 alcoholic beverages during his lifetime). That's right: The Big Guy Upstairs.

The whole intelligent design theory thing does bother TKID5, however. Are we supposed to buy the bible's explanation if not Darwin's? Because TKID5 loves the dinosaurs - particularly the TREX, yeah! - and can't seem to get his head around the indisputable fact that the earth is only a few thousand years old. Did the Big Guy hide those dinosaur bones out in Utah just to throw us off the scent of intelligent design? If so, sweet move! You totally fooled me - talk about intelligent.

The bottom-line is that anyone who thinks a billion generations of regenerating life forms could ever result in the perfection that is TKID5 is a total fool. I'm about as close to Adonis Godly as anyone can get. There is NO DOUBT that the Big Guy drew me up on his drafting board in the sky. The only people who believe that evolution BS are self-loathing, America-hating liberals. Face it people, we're all divine perfection. Deal with it.

Gere-gate

2005-05-04T15:25:00.000-05:00

Richard Gere dropped the quote of the week in response to an autograph request from two teens in wheelchairs at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner in Washington.

The teenagers, Brian and Kailyn Glassmacher suffer from a form of MS known as Glassmacher syndrome. TKID4 can envision the diagnosis now. I'm guessing it was first named by a doctor who didn't know what the hell he was doing.

Dr. X: "You've got a rare form of MS. "
Glassmacher kids: "Really...what's it called."
Dr. X: "Ummm....ahhhhh...Gla....zzzz....aaa....mmmaaaaa......kkkkk....."
Glassmacher kids: "Glassmacher??"
Dr. X: "Uh...yeah...sure....Glassmacher, quite a coincidence, huh?"
Glassmacher: "Geez, we never knew we had a disease named after us."
Dr. X: "Strange indeed, the planets seemed to have aligned for you two. Now about those wonder twin powers..."

So Gere in response to an autograph request from these two wheelchair bound kids allegedly said, "Maybe later, I'm hard of hearing and I have a bad hip. We all have problems."

In fairness to the Officer and Gentleman that he is, Gere later fulfilled the request when he was cornered by one of wheelchaired pair and opted to sign rather than hurdle over the equipment with that bum leg of his.

Personally, TKID4 thinks this story smells of hoax. There have been several media dupes lately, including the kidnapped bride, the treasure buried in the back yard, and the woman who threw her newborn out of a moving car. This Gere-story sounds similar. Another lemon passed on to the ever-vigilant press corp. The good news is this story will serve to run interference over the fact that the U.S. Government has been systematically testing dangerous AIDS drugs on unwitting/unknowing foster children. As if these kids don't have enough trouble, now Uncle Sam is shooting them up with drug cocktails in some sort of subhuman lab rat program.

And speaking of the press, Joe Scarborough recently berated Governor Arnold Swarzenneggar for remarks he made on the Howard Stern show last week. The Governor announced on the show that he was going to destroy the moon so that women would not have to suffer menstrual cycles anymore. Problem is, that was a fake-Arnold calling into the show. Everyone knew that but Mr. Scarborough apparently.

First Lady of Comedy

2005-05-03T11:32:00.000-05:00

First Lady and Commediane in Chief Laura Bush got down and dirty at a formal dinner party last weekend. Thanks to material from a cadre of White House speechwriters, she unleashed a torrent of barbs at GWB, calling him Mr. Excitement in one breath and then claiming he sexually groped a horse's penis in another.

The reclusive Laura let her conservative hair down as she described a fictitious visit to Chippendales she, Lynne Cheney, and Justices O'Connor and Ginsburg made. While several conversative guests were upset at the sexual innuendos and subtle disrespect for G-Dubs, most had a good laugh.

Mrs. Bush's set lasted several minutes, but was cut short due to time constraints. TKID4 obtained the drafts for the remaining jokes Laura was going to tell but didn't. Here are a few of the zingers.

"George is not so bright. He thought Iraq had stockpile of weapons of mass destruction. Then he saw the intelligence which indicated that they didn't. But the dumbass just went in and attacked anyways. (PAUSE) Killed thousands of them towelheads too."

"You might think being First Lady is a barrel of laughs. Well let me tell you, it's not as funny as watching George try to destroy our environment acre by acre. (PAUSE) I call him "The Salesman" because he's determined to sell-out our children's future to the highest bidder."

"Knock knock...."
(AUDIENCE RESPONSE) "Who's There"
"Human Rights Violations"
(AUDIENCE RESPONSE) "Human Rights Violations Who"
"George done think only Christians are humans. That's why he ordered the Fallujah Holocaust."

"Did you hear the one about George executing a woman in Texas for killing her abusive husband? (PAUSE) Her name was Betty Lou Beets. He barbequed her ass, even though she obviously suffered from abusive spouse syndrome."

Frit Kudo

2005-04-27T11:54:00.000-05:00

TKID4's never ending fascination with anagrams has revealed startling insights into the Ron Mexico controversy. Through manipulation of his acute grammatical skills, TKID4 has generated a list of suspect anagrams of the name Ron Mexico. What was Michael Vick trying to tell us when he chose the name Ron Mexico. Perhaps he meant to slander a "Moronic Ex." Or maybe he was unveiling a free mason master plot by the name of "Croix Omen." TKID4 doubts it was in reference to a "Coon Mixer," whatever that is. More likely than not, it's just a thinly veiled promotional arrangement between the NFL QB and the 1940's breakfast cereal "Corn Moxie."

TKID Four is excited to unveil his new alias, discovered during the hours of research done in preparation for penning this story. From now on he will be known as Frit Kudo.

Ron Mexico Redux

2005-04-26T14:55:00.000-05:00

TKID4 here providing continual coverage of the Michael Vick medical malady saga. You might remember the Falcons deft QB has come under fire recently for passing a rather nasty STD on to an unsuspecting female. Worse, he did so under the alias Ron Mexico.

There are those which seek to facilitate similar incognito infections by providing the average joe with an automatic alias generator called the "Ron Mexico Name Generator."

Here is a selection of the devious pseudonyms available to future VD deviants.

Jim Smith = Dante Croatia
John Edwards = Giorgio Sweden
John Kerry = Adonis Senegal

and my personal favorite:

Donald Rumsfeld = Holmes Cambodia

Bush is in his Holy Temple

2005-04-26T12:39:00.000-05:00

The Christian Report magazine recently released its Top 50 Most Influential Christians in America rankings. The list includes pastors, authors, politicians, radio show hosts, publishers, and televangelists. Topping the ranks was President George W. Bush, followed by Madmax himself Mel Gibson. Evangelist Billy Graham came in at holy numeral 3.

Coming in at number 9 with a bullet was Dr. Paul Crouch Sr., founder and prez of the TBN. You may know Crouch from his hugely popular television show featuring himself and his lovely wife Jan Crouch. Crouch started TBN with his wife in 1973. Today TBN is carried by over12,000 TV stations and cable affiliates fed by 46 annointed satellites. More importantly, the Crouch's drive matching Range Rovers and recently purchased a $5 million estate in California. TKID4 contributed to Crouch's master bathroom renovation fund. And you can too, here. Praise be to the highest Moen fawcetts money can buy.

Other notable Christians included in the rankings were the ever spectacled Dr. Robert Schuller, Dr. Jerry Falwell, John Hagee, and Chuck Swindoll. That's Swindoll with an "O."

Benny Hinn made the cut. So did Pat Robertson. Noticeably absent was the Savior himself, the Lord Jesus Christ.

In other news, Mel Gibson has signed on to star in and direct the futuristic thriller Crusade 2010. The premise involves a rogue 20-something blonde femme physicist who teams up with a Special Forces Veteran to transport a crack team of misfists back in time to 12th Century Jerusalem to take on man-eating Islamic forces led by the pederast Saladin. No word yet on if Mel is willing to grant audiences his ubiquitous ass shot during the final climactic retaking of Jerusalem by Apache Helicopter.

DeLayin' Blame on da Judge

2005-04-20T15:36:00.000-05:00

House Majority Leader and Self-Licensed Neurologist Tom DeLay blasted Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy today, claiming his recent contributions to the Supreme Court were "incredibly outrageous" because he has relied on international law.

DeLay complained, "We've got Justice Kennedy writing decisions based upon international law, not the Constitution of the United States? That's just outrageous."

What the right honourable Congressman is forgetting in his judicial critique is that the U.S. Constitution itself is the product of un-American international ideas and idealists.

For instance, John Locke's Second Treatise on Civil Government, a centerpiece of English constitutional history was widely read and adopted by several Constitutional authors, particularly James "Dwarf-boy" Madison. We cannot also forget that Frenchie Montesquieu's The Spirit of the Laws which outlined an acceptable form and structure of the national government later adopted in the U.S. Constitution of 1787.

DeLay is also overlooking those pesky Roman and Greek thinkers' works such as Aristotle's Politics and Cicero's The Republic whichhad an incredible influence on the Thomas George Jeffersons of olden colonial times. Throw in the Bible, and you've got yourself an international amalgam of thought and beliefs spanning two millenia all funneling down to a piece of vellum parchment with some signatures on it.

DeLay is right about one thing though. Anything international is bad.

White Smoke, Black Smoke

2005-04-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

White smoke signals the election of a new pope, after two days of black smoke belched from the chimneys of Vatican City. Bells were ringing from the Vatican Tuesday confirming that cardinals had reached a decision for a successor to Pope John Paul II.

“We thought it was white. Then it went black. I had a feeling of exhilaration followed by disappointment,” said Harold Reeves, a 35-year-old theology student from Washington, D.C. Reeves was also thrown off by a large plume of red smoke in the form of lucifer which belched forth in an unholy manner early Tuesday morning. Vatican spokesmen claimed the smoke was the result of a cardinal accidentally dropping his skull cap in the voting ballot oven.

“This is history, Dr. Jones” said Hernan Aracena, 19, wrapped in a Venezuelan flag. “As time goes by, this will be one of those moments where you say, ‘I was there.”’

Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger has been tapped by many pope pundits as the next Holiness. The "Rat-man" as fellow cardinals call him, was once a German anti-aircraft battery operator taking pot shots at U.S. aircrews. Now he is on deck and ready to take his swings following John Paul's grand slam. He knows chin music is coming too.

Spontaneous Combustion

2005-04-18T13:00:00.000-05:00

Back in '03 a patient undergoing emergency heart surgery caught on fire at a Seattle Hospital.
He began to BBQ after alcohol poured on his skin was ignited by a surgical instrument.

According to the hospital, the patient died after the surgery but that was due to heart failure and not the fire. Further investigation revealed that his heart stopped beating because it was flame broiled.

According to this article, 2 people die each year from a combination of combustible factors, including the main culprit, an electrosurgical unit. That reminds me of the time TKID's medical correspondent accidentally used his vintage Roland Synthesizer on a patient instead of his electro-knife. The results were tragic for electronic musicians everywhere.

eggheads hate america

2005-04-14T09:15:00.000-05:00

Now that Republicans run all three branches of government (those activist judges have been a bit of a pain in the judiciary) we conservative bloggers have been forced to turn our energy elsewhere. In addition to the liberal media conspiracy, we've focused on the daily outrages foisted upon innocent minds at our nation's college campuses. Bill Hawkins, an incensed letter writer in today's Washington Examiner says it best, arguing that colleges, particularly those focusing on the social sciences, "have become the pampered homes of eggheads who are anti-social and irrational in their hatred of America."

Damn straight.

TKID3 can remember when his American Dream was crushed upon his arrival at college so many years ago. I had long looked forward to receiving my higher education at a place where I could join other sportscoat and penny-loafer wearing young males in the innocent pursuit of collegiate bliss. I daydreamed of an evening when, after finishing practice for my barbershop quartet, I could head over to the fraternity house and engage in wholesome revelry, such as giving my fraternity pin to my main squeeze or spanking a nude pledge with my hand-whittled paddle.

What I actually discovered at college was horrid. The dorms were chaotic places with drug-smoking fiends, none of whom had any interest in the time-honored tradition of being humiliated by God-loving fraternity boys. The infernal music and sounds of pagan partying blared at all hours of the day. And the girls! No Betty Crocker-aspiring, Laura Bush-esque co-eds here. Feminism had crept into their frail minds, and we men were actually expected to perform for them! No effort, no best girl. Women never even so much as a glanced at a traditional man like myself.

Things went from bad to worse, and I gradually dropped into a deep stupor: barricading myself in my dorm room, watching infomercials all night long and wearing a curtain to cover-up my massive and swelling girth. At one point, a concerned student called security to see if I was still alive. When they tried to open the door, a huge pile of empty Southern Comfort bottles blocked the paramedics' path.

Dark days indeed.

But with the fearless lead of our nation's finest bloggers, we can turn the clock back at our college campuses. I'll be praying that it isn't too late.

cash money smells green

2005-04-08T18:17:00.000-05:00

TKID3 is no fan of Indiana's men and women in blue, a fact reinforced by the recent story from the Indianapolis Star headlined: "Man caught with cash smelling of pot."

Apparently the crack detectives caught a whiff of crime after being handed $400 in cash from some sucker trying to bail-out his brother-in-law.

From the article:

******
"When I walked back toward the jail I noticed the money was damp and smelled funny," [the dispatcher] said.

A jailer who sniffed the money told her it smelled like marijuana, she said.
******

The cops then searched the guy's car and turned up a lame amount of pot, but enough to lock him up.

One has to wonder, did these crack detectives recognize the stink of weed from a cop seminar named something like: "Recognizing the Aroma of Dangerous Narcotics 101" or from their own experience firing up Jimmy's four-foot bong in the back of a hobbit-mural-adorned van?

It's a good thing TKID3 didn't grow up in the hoosier state. I once managed to spill a massive quantity of bong water on the sweatshirt of a kid who refused to touch drugs. That kid, an innocent in the war on drugs, smelled as if he'd rolled around in a vat of Vancouver kind buds. Indiana's finest would've locked him up for life on stink evidence alone.

blame it on rio

2005-04-08T17:41:00.000-05:00

A band of rogue police officers in Rio, acting in a bizarre protest of a corruption probe, recently offed about 30 people in random shootings in the city's slums. The violence was ridiculously over-the-top, even for Brazil. However, media coverage in Brazil of the cop massacre has been scant. The reason: 24/7 pope coverage.

The following quote ran in the AP:
"Without a doubt, the news of the death of the pope took on such vast proportions that this horrible fact was somewhat forgotten," said Rev. Luciano Bergamin, bishop of Nova Iguacu. "We have to forget the death of the pope a little and make sure these facts don't repeat themselves."

That's right, the news event of an 84-year-old guy's funeral is more important than news of the random slaughter of 30 people.

Amazingly, some bloggers in this country have complained about the media's coverage of the pope's deathwatch/expiration/funeral, calling it insufficient or not properly fawning and respectful. Maybe TKID4 is out of touch, but I've seen more pope news than I can handle. Besides, I don't get why a funeral for anyone, even the top dawg of the Catholic church is worthy of live coverage at all hours. He's dead. That's that.

Pope a Dope

2005-04-06T16:50:00.000-05:00

TKID 4 just saw the President of the United States George W. Bush on his knees supplicatin' whilst prostratin' before the corpse of Pope John Paul. I didn't not vote that man to have him kneel down before General Zod like that. We are Americans and we don't bow to anyone!! I'd like to see the pope's 30 Swiss guards try and take on the 3rd Infantry. Bush should have showed some balls today and walked up to that crypt-keeper lookin pope, tipped his cowboy hat, and walked out, but not before flashing that bull$%#@ smirk to the crowd.

And someone please tell me what Condi rice was doing in that black cocktail dress/nun habit while sporting the veil of Turin. Nice Hot Cherry lipstick. Why do I think she'll end up doing shots of Ouzo with Berlusconi before the night is over.

Enough with this pope business. And get off your knees George!!

Herpie the Love Bug Goes to Mexico

2005-04-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

A Georgia woman is suing NFL quarterback Michael Vick, claiming he gave her herpes in 2003. More importantly, the woman's lawsuit alleges that Vick often goes by the pseudonym "Ron Mexico."

TKID4 wants to praise Vick for his word choice, as Ron Mexico is one of the coolest aliases ever.

In other news, you now need a passport to return to the U.S. from Mexico. And the FBI is attempting to persuade Congress to bypass the 4th amendment and allow law enforcement to conduct searches without the review and approval of a detached magistrate. Sounds like Nazi Russia to this TKID.

Play Ball!!

2005-04-04T14:08:00.000-05:00

Tis the season when we brush off the winter debris and dream of humid summer with its chlorine and burning charcoal scents wafting through the air. This dream is triggered by the smack of the ball connecting with the glove in the annual rite of passage, Opening Day. Like most things in sport, opening day has been somewaht commercialized with pre-opening day games such as last night's ALCS rematch. There was also the opening day game in Japan last year, which must have made Moe Berg roll over in his grave. Those blights aside, TKID4 still gets excited over the prospects of warm afternoons on his rooftop listening to games on his radio, sipping a cold domestic and thinking of boobies touched in the past.

TKID4 also remembers the days of his youth when spring meant trips down the local 7-11 to purchase packs of Topps baseball cards. This annual event occurred in late March-early April as Topps cards made their way down south through the ante-bellum supply chain of the 80's.

Beginning in 1985, the quest to complete all 792 cards of the Topps set was a perilous one. Packs were scarce. Doubles and triples were common place. One may have to purchase two or three boxes totaling over 1500 cards to make a set. TKID4 chased Atlanta Braves cards, as well as some key stars including certain future HOF's including Dwight Gooden, Eric Davis and Darryl Strawberry. Cal Ripkid's streak was only a few years old, Pete Rose was still playing and gambling, and times were good. Pulling a Dale Murphy made my week!!

Today baseball has changed. It has become over-commercialized and now caters to America's infatuation with wealth accumulation and status. Sadly, baseball card collecting has not been spared in this movement.

In 1986, a pack of cards cost 35 cents. It contained 15 cards and a stick of gum. On TKID4's budget, that meant 3 to 6 packs of cards at a time, which provided hours of entertainment. Fast forward to today. The average pack of cards is now $3 for 7 cards. Today's consumer is much more sophisticated. They demand quality and more importantly return on investment. The baseball card craze of the 80's which drove many collectors to invest their children's college funds in cards, fuels today's hobbyists who are wholly unsatisfied with bland cards on cardboard stock. The market has responded by producing cards which feature player autographs, pieces of jerseys, balls, and cards numbered to 10 or 100, rather than the generic 1,000,000 cards Topps produced from the 50's to 90's. The other day I saw a 10 year old at a baseball card show pull a card out of a pack that featured a piece of Jackie Robinson's 1952 Brooklyn Dodgers uniform. As I saw his excitement I wondered, what sicko would cut up that jersey. It would be like the Smithsonian cutting up pieces of Old Glory and selling them in the souvenir shop. BTW, the pack he pulled the card from came one to a box and sold for $125.

TKID still collects cards. He prefers to buy wax packs from the 1980's. They can be had for pretty cheap. Just don't try the gum.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Hot off the presses

2005-04-01T13:12:00.000-06:00

Pope John Paul II has died. The 84-year-old, perpetually-fading pontiff was reported dead on virtually every news website for at least one hour today. However, it seems that reports of his death have been exaggerated. It's a safe bet that the media will keep us abreast of this riveting drama with 24/7 coverage until long after the papal passing.

In other hot news, various newspapers and TV networks are reporting that the nauseatingly overdone story of Terri Schiavo is far from finished, with months of continuing coverage of the various skirmishes over her corpse and on the developing "culture of life" crusade. Stay tuned!

Terry Schiavo...Rest in Peace

2005-03-31T08:55:00.000-06:00

Totally Tubular

2005-03-30T19:48:00.001-06:00

As most of our news-addicted t-Kids have heard, Pope John Paul II, long suffering from Parkinson’s disease and an assortment of other ailments, including a progressive neurological disorder, now has his own feeding tube. The ailing Pontiff received a nasal-gastric tube yesterday afternoon to “improve caloric intake and improve his chances for recovery,” the Vatican said.

This new tube insertion follows a tracheotomy he received on Feb. 24, during which a breathing tube was inserted into his windpipe. Speaking through a nurse, spokesman and interpreter last week, the Pope said “he has abandoned himself to God’s will – and that of the technicians operating his artificial respirator." In another statement, he compared his own suffering to that of Jesus Christ – "except for the crucifixion part, his effortless oxygen-enriched breathing and the seemingly endless supply of morphine.”

With the additional tube, the 84-year-old head of the Catholic Church now has more life-saving machines than any previous Pope in the Church’s two thousand year history. A physician at Rome's Gemelli hospital said there is a “better than likely chance” he will even have a third tube surgically inserted into his stomach, "he's really more machine than man now." Cardinal Giovanni Battista Re, a close papal associate and potential successor, said as soon as the nasal tube is snaked into the Pope’s gastric system he will administer to him liquefied communion or “Jesus Juice” – not to be confused with the “Jesus Juice” referred to recently in testimony during the child rape trial of pop icon Michael Jackson.

A dozen or more religious activists from Georgia and Florida, including former Green Beret Bo Gritz, gathered outside the hospital to support the Pope’s decision to have a feeding tube inserted. There is no information to indicate whether the Pope has a living will in effect or whether the Pinellas County Court in Florida has any legal jurisdiction within the Vatican.

wolfkid jack

2005-03-30T16:54:00.000-06:00

A newly-released study finds that the longer a man's ring finger is in comparison to the length of his index finger the more aggressive he's likely to be.

Apparently, lengthy ring fingers mean more prenatal testosterone or something, but I couldn't be bothered to read the details from the study. The bottom-line is that a guy who swings an excessively protruding ring finger is not someone with which to trifle.

Upon hearing this, I immediately flashed-back to a vision of The Kid (that's The Original Kid) playing the keyboard during a soldout performance at a concert hall. While watching The Kid's hairy, gnarled fingers flash up and down the keys, I was struck by his prodigious digits, particularly the length of his ring fingers. He could easily stretch across six keys to tap an ivory with those suckers. I didn't think much of this at the time. But now, I know ...

cheerleader in chief

2005-03-30T10:44:00.000-06:00

A great gnashing of liberal teeth has accompanied news reports claiming that a mysterious Republican staffer in a faux Secret Service get-up (complete with the cool earpiece) forcibly tossed three people from one of President Bush's "town meetings" on social security. With all sides agreeing that the three people did nothing disruptive at the meeting, which was held in Denver, the supposed reason for booting them seems to be that a member of the Bush posse spotted an anti-Dubya bumper sticker on the trio's car.

What's the big deal, we here at TKID's Blog ask? Republican operatives are totally within their rights to pose as secret service agents while tossing a few treehuggers out of a taxpayer-funded Bush lovefest. After all, a voter mandate put us conservatives in power – we run the show now. That's right; the whole enchilada, biatch.

Additionally, I looked up the definition of "town meeting." Webster's says the term refers to "a meeting of the qualified voters of a town." So who better to decide who constitutes "qualified voters" than Rove's shock troops? Besides, George W. Bush is renowned for his skills as a cheerleader, garnered during his wonder years at Andover and Yale. That guy knows who to stir up a crowd with a megaphone like nobody's business. But, as any good cheerleader knows, only a few fans from the an opposing prep school can ruin a rousing chant of "Ra Ra Ra, Sis Boom Bah!"

Terry Shiite-vo

2005-03-30T09:41:00.000-06:00

Good thing America's newest brain dead darling isn't a child resting in an Iraqi hospice right now. Odds are, there would be no feeding tubes available to her.

According to the AP, nearly twice as many Iraqi children are going hungry at present as compared to when Saddam Hussein was discovered cowering in a rat hole...errr I mean found fighting it out with G.I.'s from a bombed out house before being taken prisoner.

"Four percent of Iraqis under age 5 went hungry in the months after Saddam's ouster in April 2003, and the rate nearly doubled to 7.7 percent last year"

TKID4 is still trying to trackdown the October 2004 U.S. study which estimated that "as many as 100,000 more Iraqis many of them women and children had died since the start of the U.S.-led invasion than would have been expected otherwise, based on the mortality rate before the war."

The TKID's wonder, if Terry wore a veil and spoke A-Rab, would she have even received a feeding tube in the first place? The only U.S. government assistance someone like her is likely to receive in a place like Fallujah is an army-issued boot to the groin or some overnight express delivered uranium-tipped ordinance.

Terri Schiavo Pay-per-view Vivisection

2005-03-29T11:58:00.000-06:00

Michael Schiavo has ordered an autopsy be performed immediately upon the impending demise of his wife Terri, in part to stop rumors that he is planning on cremating her remains as part of an extensive cover-up. Schiavo's official autopsy request asks that the post-mortem procedure delve into the "massive" extent of the brain damage she suffered in 1990.

For TKID, there is only one thing worse than having an autopsy performed on you while you are still alive. And that is having incredible unphotogenic snap shots of your brain dead body plastered over every media outlet in the world. Why not just publish photos of TKID4's flaccid, atrophied man-unit on Fox News Channel on a repeating 24-hour news cycle for the next 6 months? Of course, Terri will be dead and gone by the time they open the sucker. But what will they find? I am betting on there being a gnome chillin' in her colon munching on what remains of Tom DeLay's dignity.

What pathologist drew this duty, BTW? Cutting open a 12-year bed ridden woman is quite a position to be in, almost as bad as being bed ridden yourself for more than a decade. I don't see Quincy knocking down the morgue doors to get a crack at that. Let's get some Republican Congresspersons to go in there and hold her spleen for a few seconds. Maybe what they witness will curb their activism. Congress should be careful when seeking entry into the private lives of its constituents. Sometimes its not very pretty in there.

On a related note, TKID4 ordered that his own autopsy be performed by man-eating Kimodo dragons off the coasts of the Galapagos.

a venue for genius

2005-03-29T09:11:00.000-06:00

I'd like to use this post to give thanks for the medium of blogging. Until quite recently, my brilliant musings were often tragically lost to society. When I would speak, my wisdom bursting with every utterance, there was rarely a large crowd on hand to listen to my opinions. But now, armed with TKID's Blog, literally thousands of reverent readers hang on my every typed word.

Critics of blogs and the greater pundit community, the chosen few, often use the crude maxim: opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one. To this I counter that not all are opinions are created equal. For instance, though it may be true that I've never left North America, my opinions on geopolitics are extremely valuable due to the immense knowledge I bring to any discussion. Just the other night, as I read a passage from The Lord of the Rings, I realized the uncanny parallels between Mordor and Iraq.(And don't get me started on the Gandalf/Dubya connections.) Few others could've brought such an intense, scholarly analysis as this to the table, linking the fantasy novel world and Dungeons & Dragons to that of Pentagon war planning. But without the medium of blogging, this brilliance might not have seen the light of day.

I'd enjoy nothing more than to give you my myriad thoughts on the Schiavo situation, the scientific and prophetic conclusions to be drawn from repeated Sumatran earthquakes, the impact fibrous tissues found in fossilized dinosaur bones may have on the intelligent design debate, or my thoughts on how the roots of liberalism are linked to dangerous tenets of masonry, but my mother is now bleating to me that it's time for me to take out the trash. Alas, I must log-off for now.

Lizard Kids Made the Myths in FLA

2005-03-25T14:37:00.000-06:00

A recently unearthed promotional film featuring a college-aged Jim Morrison has been made available to the public here. The film shows a young Lizard King checking his sun-drenched Florida State University mailbox while sporting cropped locks for the admission letter that never comes. The Adonis-to-be is also featured in a one-on-one interview with a starched collar school official type who breaks the news to the future rocker that school budget cuts will force course cancelations. After that, the viewer is left to wonder, what will happen to the young man? Maybe death.....

Mr. Mojo Risin left FSU shortly after this film was made (circa 1964) to seek his fortune in California, where indeed the myths were being made. But recently, his birth state of Florida is grabbing the headlines. From elections to Elian, 9-11 classroom show and tells to feeding tubes, shuttle malfunctions to serial killers, it seems that the Sunshine State is making its claim to be the "heart of it all." Natural disasters are truly common place across the narrow peninsula, and who knows if the future president is currenly looming a few steps from the Lizard Kid's former alma mater. Will Florida sink to the Atlantic in an Armageddon-like conflagaration, or lead the nation into the Neo-conservative literal translation 21st century? Sides are being chosen as we speak. One thing is for sure, Jim Morrison is having a big laugh at the shitstorms brewing in the Gulf of Mexico while eating some tacos at the great drive-thru in the sky.

fightin' falcons

2005-03-25T13:42:00.000-06:00

The Bush Administration has announced the planned sale of approximately 24 American-made fighter jets to Pakistan. The fighters are F-16s, which any TKID's Blog reader will remember from the 1986 movie thriller "Iron Eagle" which featured a teenage pilot in his heroic quest to steal an F-16 to rescue his daddy from baddies in some Arab country. Of course, Pakistan's F-16s will be far better guarded than was the plane in that movie.

The deal with Pakistan is payback for the country's hard work in helping the U.S. in its war on terror, including Pakistan's successful work in catching Bin Laden on their own soil. (Correction: TKID's Blog editor and company mystic David LoPan informs me that Bin Laden has NOT actually been caught. I regret the error.) In any case, it's clear that Pakistan deserves something in return for all its labors. Cheers! India might be pissed that we sold advanced fighter/bombers to its hostile neighbor, but hopefully the Indians will calm down when, as reported, we ink "a very large" deal to sell that country a similar load of fighter planes. Nothing beats making a buck on both sides of a brawl.

However, weak-kneed liberals are sure to whine about the fact that in shipping over the 24 fighters, the U.S. is violating its own sanctions (in place since 1990) against Pakistan for its continued development of a nuclear weapons program - a WMD-toting and mushroom-cloud sporting affair if we've ever seen one. This rather obvious contradiction is made worse by the recent Washington Post report that the U.S. lied about North Korea's sale of nuclear material to Libya, one of the main reasons that freak Kim "Erika" Jong Il pulled North Korea out of multi-party negotiations. As it turns out, the nuclear material was actually sold to Libya by PAKISTAN. Oops. Fortunately for us, this well-intentioned whopper was lost in a sea of other, far-more important national affairs, such as the feeding tube saga. And when it comes to lying about who sells nukes, who cares? You've got to break a few eggs to make an omelet. And besides, we all know who the Axis of Evil is, and it doesn't include Pakistan.

Terri Speaks!!!

2005-03-24T10:00:00.000-06:00

Thank Odin we have a man like Tom DeLay to separate truth from misinformation. TKID4 was perusing his website this morning and came across some startling facts.

According to DeLay “Mrs. Schiavo’s condition, I believe, has been at times misrepresented by the media, but far more often has simply gone unreported all together. Terri Schiavo is not on a respirator; she can breathe on her own. Terri Schiavo is not brain-dead; she talks and she laughs, and she expresses happiness and discomfort. Terri Schiavo is not on life-support."

Well that makes things a lot simpler. Terri speaks!! Quick, someone ask her if she wants us to put that tube back in.

One of two things is likely to happen in the next 72 hours. One, several thousand protestors rush the hospice where Schiavo "resides" causing the deaths of several other hospice residents before choking Terri to death with several hundred feeding tubes later to be sold on ebay as Relics. The other alternative is Tom DeLay, wearing a crown of thorns and flagellating his breasts, commands Terri at her bedside to rise and speak. As she summons the strength to break wind, DeLay takes it as a message from God that the State of Texas should be granted oil drilling rights at South Padre Island National Wildlife Sanctuary.

FCC's decent into decency

2005-03-22T15:46:00.000-06:00

Lost in all the humdrum over feeding tubes and the like is news that the Federal Communication Commission has a new leader. As of Monday, Kevin J. Martin, 38, is at the helm of the FCC and their "wardrobe malfunction" policing duties. Martin, a Bush appointee, possesses boyish good looks and impeccable morals. (In fact, Martin is a dead-ringer for TKid's Blog attorney, Andrew Penfield III. As they both sport Harvard degrees, we're starting to wonder if this is more than just a coincidence. By the way, Penfield, where the hell are you! I've got documents for you to shred.)

We here at TKid's Blog applaud Martin's appointment. The FCC needs a strong leader in a time when our youngsters are being exposed to errant breasts, curse words and obese women in tight jeans. Martin is renowned for his stern "anti-indecency stance" (take out the double negative and you've got pro-decency) and is considered far more aggressive in stomping out profanity than was his predecessor, Michael K. Powell. So here's to hoping that Martin can return the programming we see in our four hours of nightly TV viewing to the glee club era of "Leave it to Beaver" wholesomeness. But, just for the record, that little pencil-neck can't touch our stash of cyber-porn, can he?

Palm Sunday

2005-03-22T11:06:00.000-06:00

I don't know if anyone caught the CNN headlines this past
Sunday - Palm Sunday that is - but I thought they were
worth noting. I couldn't help but think that we might be
just a little closer to that rapture all the crazies talk
about.

-One dead, hundreds injured in Japan quake
-At least 40 dead in Pakistan blast
-Suspect in Florida child killing appears in court
-House to hold special session on Schiavo
-Iraq suicide bomber kills 3 in Mosul
-Shark attack tears man in half
-Mine accident kills 17 in China
-Floods in Afghanistan kill 200
-Child prodigy commits suicide
-Rice presses China on North Korea

DeLaying Death

2005-03-21T16:58:00.000-06:00

Wow. I couldn’t agree more with my fellow kids, whom I must thank, by the way, for their gracious permission allowing me to contribute to this forum. Just when you think Republican lunacy and hypocrisy have peaked out, we get something like this.

So, we are currently “at war” with over 1,500 dead and 9,000 wounded (60% of whom with traumatic brain injuries), the deficit is exploding, social security and Medicare are “in crisis”, oil prices are a record high and we are holding hearings on baseball and bi-cameral emergency sessions for Terri Schiavo. Republicans are now well beyond going off the deep-end, they’re in Mariana Trench territory.

Can you imagine former exterminator Tom DeLay, “the Hammer”, sitting by your loved one’s bedside in the most intimate and delicate of family moments – his unwavering hand grabbing at the tube you’ve just painfully discharged and reinserting it for you? We may have just witnessed that. "Mrs. Schiavo's life is not slipping away - it is being violently wrenched from her body in an act of medical terrorism," DeLay said. "To friends, family, and millions of people praying around the world this Palm Sunday weekend: do not be afraid. Terri Schiavo will not be forsaken."

The ironies, hypocrisies and constitutional breaches associated with this are too many to list let alone discuss. Aside from the trampling of state’s rights, separation of powers, checks and balances, right to privacy and a slew of other now-meaningless democratic traditions, there are a few items worth pointing out.

The Republican-controlled House this week, literally at the same time it was drafting a subpoena for brain-damaged Terri Schiavo to appear before Congress, voted to cut Medicaid by more than $20 billion. Medicaid, as it turns out, is responsible for paying for Schiavo’s medication and, along with Medicare, is the principle funding source for hospices and care for the terminally ill in the United States. Schiavo’s annual hospice care runs around $80,000. House Republicans essentially voted to remove Terri Schiavo’s feeding tube before they voted to re-insert it. John Kerry was rolling in his political grave with that one.

Looking at this more broadly, in the face of sky-rocketing medical costs, record un-insured, the elimination of employee health programs and collapsing health entitlement programs, Bush and Republicans are actively encouraging, indeed forcing, end-of-life augmentation. Last-year-of-life expenses consumed 22 percent of all medical costs, 26 percent of Medicare expenses, 25 percent of Medicaid and 18 percent of all non-Medicare health-care costs.

It’s not all about the eeevil trial lawyers driving up malpractice premiums I guess. Encouraging all-out death-delaying procedures and re-animation of the brain dead kind of runs counter to the idea that Americans should be more practical in their use of health care doesn’t it?

How about this one? Congress is currently working on legislation that would create a new constitutional amendment prohibiting same-sex marriage, right? So while conservatives decry activist judges determined to redefine marriage, Republican lawmakers, in the case of Terri Schiavo, are doing exactly that. In attempting to supercede the judicial adjudication of more than a dozen courts from the state district level all the way to the Supreme Universal Hall of Justice in Nuremburg, all of which have sided with Michael Schiavo, Congress effectively wants to challenge spousal rights and thereby re-define marriage itself.

The definition of marriage at least as I understand it legally, holds that a spouse has the right to act as next-of-kin and sole guardian. The logic there being that one chooses the person who will care for them as opposed to family which is not chosen. So the moral is, a recently-censured congressman from say Texas elected by .002 of the population really has more of a right to fulfill your wedding vows than you do.

Ovarys Thrice

2005-03-21T14:51:00.000-06:00

TKID4 revealing existence's little secrets, word by word, in anagram form. For those of you who enjoyed the "TSUNAMI" anagrams, thank you. For your further enjoyment and enlightenment, here is a selection the somewhat disturbing anagrams of everybody's sweetheart, Terry Schiavo, and the predictions they fortell.

NOTE: TKID's personal favorites are "charitys over" "richest ovary" and the omnipresent "satyric hover." And who could forget the press, AKA "veracity hors."

ARCHIVERS TOY
ARCHIVER TOYS
ARCHIVER YOST
TSAREVICH ROY
ARCHIVES TROY
ARCHIVES TYRO
ARCHIVES TORY
ARCHIVE TYROS
ARCHIVE STORY
ORCHESTRA IVY
ARCHERY VITOS
CHASTER IVORY
THRACES IVORY
CORRASIVE THY
VERACITY HORS
RECATORY SHIV
CRAVE HISTORY
CARVE HISTORY
CAVER HISTORY
CHARIOTS VERY
ACTORISH VERY
TOVARICH RYES
CHARITYS OVER
CHARITYS ROVE
CHARITY VERSO
CHARITY ROVES
CHARITY OVERS
CHARITY SERVO
SCYTHIA ROVER
STARCHY VIREO
CHAT REVISORY
TACH REVISORY
YACHT REVISOR
CATHY REVISOR
ACHY SERVITOR
VORACITY HERS
VORACITY SHER
SATYRIC HOVER
VICAR THEORYS
CARROTY HIVES
ACTOR SHIVERY
COVARY THEIRS
HARE VICTORYS
HEAR VICTORYS
HERA VICTORYS
RHEA VICTORYS
SHARE VICTORY
ASHER VICTORY
HARES VICTORY
SHEAR VICTORY
HEARS VICTORY
HAYER VICTORS
VESTIARY ORCH
VARIETYS ORCH
ROASTER CHIVY
ROASTER VICHY
SAVORER ITCHY
OVERSTAY RICH
AVERYS THORIC
AVERY OSTRICH
HAIRY VECTORS
SHIVA RECTORY
HORARY EVICTS
HARRY COSTIVE
TRASH VICEROY
TRASHY VOICER
VARSITY CHORE
VARSITY OCHER
VARSITY OCHRE
ROTARY CHIVES
OVARYS THRICE
SAVORY THRICE
VOTARY RICHES
RICHEST OVARY
SAVOY RICHERT
SAVOY RICHTER

yank tom delay's feeding tube

2005-03-21T11:13:00.000-06:00

We must tread carefully when steamrolling over states' rights and the primacy of the individual. But in the case of the ethically-challenged House Majority Leader Tom Delay, no one can contest the fact that the man is indeed brain-dead. Therefore, the only humane action is to remove Delay's feeding tube. This tragic, but necessary, action must be taken sooner than later to prevent the vegetable congressman from bringing further harm onto himself, and on this fine nation.

end-times meter

2005-03-17T11:28:00.000-06:00

It can be frustrating for TKIDs and other Rapture fans to not know when, exactly, some of us are going to be beamed-up to heaven during the Second Coming. (For the uninitiated, a growing movement of millions of Americans holds that end of the world is fast approaching, and that they will soon be instantly teleported up to heaven, leaving the nonbelievers to be ravaged by plagues of locusts, frogs and rapacious gnomes.) To that end, I did a little digging and found a handy Rapture Index, which tracks "prophetic activity" to predict just how close we're getting to the end of the party. The index, which is based on 45 bible-approved categories, currently sits at 151. According to the website, if prophetic activity pushes the index anywhere over 145, it's time to "fasten your seatbelts." That's right, the end is almost here.

The high number on the index is due to several categories that are currently in play, such as the "Beast Government" category, which has been bumped-up due to the EU's recent moves toward legitimacy. Apparently the Euros get the Beast tag for, if nothing else, being Euros. However, other categories are cooling off of late, such as the "Liberalism" meter. With a spanking in the recent elections, liberals are on the wane. In describing why liberals' lame belief system is part of the Rapture watch, the site says: "It's not just a part of the democratic party. Liberalism is what I would call the 'true conspiracy.' The liberal media is 100 percent control [sic] by the forces that bow to this humanistic ideology."

Right on, this kid says.

On a related note, liberal journalist Bill Moyers recently wrote on how the rapture crowd is getting involved in environmental politics. Apparently rapturites believe that environmentalists are in the employ of the Beast, the thinking being that the Big Guy ordained that the Earth is ours to trash as we please, and the sooner we funk it up, the sooner we get zapped to heaven.

This idea is comforting to TKID4, who loves to throw his empty High Life bottles on the ground whenever he traipses around our national parks. How can one enjoy nature, I wonder, without exercising his right to litter? By the way, my tax dollars built those mountains and other assorted natural treasures.

rumblings from the pacific

2005-03-17T07:51:00.000-06:00

Rumor has it that the original kid - that's The KID - may drop by this humble blog for a visit. Our two readers, including our two contributors, are waiting with bated breath.

abu compton

2005-03-17T07:50:00.000-06:00

The liberal media is agog with reports that prisoners are dying whilst being detained by the U.S. military. The AP story, citing government data, claims that 108 prisoners died while in U.S. custody. In the NYTimes, military officials admit that 26 prisoner deaths are being investigated as homicides. Surprisingly, only one of these possible murders went down at Abu Ghraib.

Though a Pentagon spokesman told the NYT that one homicide is one too many, he did "note" that the U.S. has held 50,000 prisoners during the course of its two current wars. Given that volume, the 26 figure doesn't seem so bad.

Here's how U.S. military detainment stacks up to Los Angeles:

In 2003, L.A. recorded 500 homicides, meaning that one of every 7,400 citizens was murdered.

In U.S. military custody, one of every 2,000 prisoners may have been murdered.

That means getting nabbed by the military is about four times as dangerous as living in L.A. So what's the big deal?

lawyers v. insurers

2005-03-15T09:20:00.000-06:00

The Bush administration and assorted conservatives have been hammering on the nefarious role of trial lawyers in causing the crisis of spiraling health care costs. Here's how Bush sees it: "What's happening all across this country is that lawyers are filing baseless suits against hospitals and doctors ... So doctors end up paying tens of thousands, or even hundreds of thousands, of dollars to settle claims, out of court, even when they know they have done nothing wrong." (Quote from The Washington Post.)

Hey, who am I to question Dubya on this one? Doctors good; lawyers bad. Sounds right on to me. Forget the myths about patients who have a scalpel left in their chest cavity after an operation, or who never wake up after an anesthesiologist's funk-up. The real problem is overpaid lawyers who, acting apparently without the consent or involvement of patients, sue doctors for an alleged mistake in treating a hangnail to the tune of $9 million. As a result, health care costs for you and me have skyrocketed in recent years.

To look into the numbers behind this problem, a team of legal scholars studied malpractice claims filed over the last 15 years in Texas, one of the chief "crisis" states labeled by conservatives. Unfortunately, the peer-reviewed study found no change in the number of claims filed or the amount paid in damages during the 15-year period, despite dramatic increases in insurance premiums. Between 1999 and 2002, malpractice insurance premiums in Texas jumped by an average of 135 percent. This doesn't seem to gel with the fact that between 1995 and 2002, the number of claims per physician actually fell, with 80 percent of claims being resolved without any cash coming from doctors or hospitals. One researcher called the malpractice trend in Texas a "sea of calm."

"It's very hard to take the position malpractice is a major factor in the increases in the cost of health care," one of the study's authors told The Washington Post. "The actual cost of malpractice payouts is really quite modest."

Huh? So am I supposed to hate lawyers or insurance companies? Who's the evildoer here?

monkey business

2005-03-14T08:45:00.000-06:00

Approximately 80 years after the Scopes monkey trial, the battle over evolution seems to be reaching a new climax. The Washington Post reports that 19 states are considering laws to question the science behind evolution; and that's probably just the beginning of a bigger tussle.

According to some of evolution's savvier critics, the goal isn't to push alternate theories that the world was created in six days; or that Zul, the High Priest of Gozer, birthed the Earth in a sultry union with the Minotaur of Xenon; or the murky idea of "intelligent design." Rather, the current plan is to cast doubt on evolution itself, proclaiming that "evolution is a theory, not a fact." This school of thought holds that there are "gaps" and flaws in evolution, and that the entire theory is nothing more than a conjecture - like the hypothesis that select people will soon be teleported up to heaven for the rapture.

These arguments make TKID5 feel a whole hell of a lot better about that D+ he landed in high school biology. I thought all that junk about strands of DNA, natural selection and recessive genes sounded suspicious. Seriously, I thought, how could anyone compare me and my posse to a group of chimps? There's just no comparison, although that recent study about chimps foregoing food to look at pictures of female chimps' asses was a tad disturbing. If only TKID5 could've leaned on the Word of The Creator instead of memorizing all that shiite about genes, he might have been able to follow his dream of being a mad scientist.

Bygones. The Post's article tried to track down the motives of the intelligent design crew's biggest funders and political supporters. These quotes warmed TKID5's heart:

The battle of evolution is part of the quest of "the total integration of biblical law into our lives." - Howard Ahmanson Jr., a major funder of the Discovery Institute, an intelligent design front.

"The strategy this time is not to go for the whole enchilada. We're trying to be a little more subtle ... If you believe God created that baby, it makes it a whole lot harder to get rid of that baby. If you can cause enough doubt on evolution, liberalism will die." - Terry Fox, prominent evolution critic and pastor of the largest Southern Baptist Church in the Midwest.

Now we're talking! I wonder, do they teach evolution in Iran, Saudi Arabia or in those Pakistani religious schools? I bet budding scientists get a great education in those places.

calling mr. joshua

2005-03-10T15:47:00.000-06:00

With news of a hacker attack on dossier-compiler ChoicePoint continuing to break, list-keeping giant Lexis Nexis had the identities of 32,000 people on whom it was keeping tabs lifted by cyber thieves. Both companies ostensibly collect data for the war on terror - even selling their little black books on Joe Blow to Uncle Sam. But ironically, now investigators say the bad guys, maybe even terrorists, have been stealing the specs from these companies.

It's official, my colleague TKID2 is right: we need to fire-up a campaign of disinformation. I've already registered Tim Peepers, a 72-year-old syphilitic who breathes with the aid of an iron lung, with several online info collectors. To get on the lists, try subscribing to newspapers or taking web surveys. Peepers, a Fresno resident, has a penchant for hardcore smut and infomercials. Also, Mr. Joshua - no first name! - is creating quite the stir in Internet databases. The shadowy special forces vet loves his gardening, and is an avid philanthropist.

Get on it people, there's a war to be won.

damn life lovers

2005-03-09T18:40:00.000-06:00

A group of conservatives is reportedly drafting a "bioethics agenda" for the White House. Led by bio-guru Leon R. Kass, the group is trying to steer the Bush posse toward banning stem cell research and the like. In a document, which was obtained by The Washington Post, the group writes: "We have today an administration and a Congress as friendly to human life and human dignity as we are likely to have for many years to come."

That explains a lot. For years now, I've wondered what it is about Dubya that bugs me. I'm all for his wars and such, but he just gets on my nerves. For a while I thought it was his smug giggle, or that world-class silver spoon, but now I know the truth: it's because he's "friendly to human life." I can't stand human life. Whenever I see a toddler picking flowers or smiling I want to hurl. Humans drive me nuts. As a human myself, this is a difficult phobia. I've had to sequester myself in a hut where I'm unlikely to run into any humans (except for runs to the country store for toilet paper).

Come to think of it, all life pisses me off. I wish we could just pave over every bit of green in this stupid world. And don't get me started on "dignity." Who needs dignity? Watch me guzzle a beer with my hand down my pants and just tell me I need dignity; I dare you.

From now on, I'm going to suck up my loathing of humans to begin an anti-life coalition. We've got to get started now, before those conservative life-lovers take over. Oh wait, they already have.

Truth in Advertising

2005-03-08T17:29:00.000-06:00

Poor embattled Choicepoint. The Atlanta-based company that profits from invading the privacy of the average joe, accumulating databases full of personal information, and selling those secrets to anyone with cash and a pulse is coming under fire for its dodgy business practices. Practices such as failing to screen customers who utilize information to commit identity theft. Not to mention much of the data is incorrect. A gentleman who purchased his 20 page lifetime file discovered that, according to Choicepoint, he had died in 1978.

A visit to Choicepoint's website reveals nothing about the Big-Brother data collecting vacuum. Rather, visitors are bombarded with one of the following full screen photos:

- a puppy snuggles with a small smiling child on a sun-lit field
- multi-racial children frolic in a field
- an African-American grandmother pushes her grand-daughter on a bicycle
- multi-racial children join hands in a circle
- two Asian children enjoy a swingset

Strangely, while the photos appear to pop up randomly upon refreshing the browser, the one with the Asians on the swings rarely appears.

Law enforcement officials love Choicepoint because it offers them information on suspects which they themselves would find difficult to obtain or utilize in a criminal prosecution due to 4th Amendment constraints. Criminals love it because it gives them a dossier on over 100 million "marks" including former addresses, friends, employers, business assets, and criminal histories.

What makes Choicepoint downright scary is the bulk of information compiled by the company on every citizen in the United States. Hypothetically, an i.d. thief could hack the bank account password of a person by reporting a lost or stolen ID/Password combination and providing an answer to that person's "special question" such as your mother's maiden name or the name of the first street you lived on. TKID4 always uses as his special question, the first time you had intercourse. The answer of course is "Miller Time."

Consumers are faced with one of two options. One is to diligently review all credit card and bank statements to detect any possible ID theft. The other is to provide as much mis-information to companies, municipalities, friends and family as possible so that Choicepoint's coffers will overflow with bunk. Then when an ID thief purchases your record to discover that you are married to a man called "Colonel Rhombus" who is CEO of Anacott Steel, no harm will come to you. TKID4 has been practicing the latter for years for fun. Now, its business.

bring in the censors

2005-03-03T16:16:00.000-06:00

Movies have left me unfulfilled of late. I don't what it is, perhaps the "sexual situations," explosions and other grim, non-Christian morals on parade in today's films. That's why I was so glad when I stumbled on this service: www.cleanfilms.com. Just as their helpful little halo implies, Clean Films provides movies which have been helpfully sanitized by Christian censors - all for your viewing pleasure. This service could've prevented situations like the one I recently experienced on a plane, where the airline had chosen to screen "Silence of the Lambs." A wee lass happened to be working her way down the aisle when that great scene, the one where Buffalo Bill is twirling around sans Johnson, popped-up on the big aisle screen. When the kid looked at the screen, she shrieked in shear horror. If Clean Films had provided that tape, no sick wannabe transvestite dancing scenes for "Silence of the Lambs." Nothing much else, really. In fact, the service promises "no unpleasant surprises" as well. Does this mean that films will not only be snipped of their heathen pleasures, but also their twists and turns?

TKID3 is now a subscriber to Clean Films, and is eagerly awaiting arrival of his Christianized version of "The Passion." He will be sorely vexed if those gross scenes of Hey-Zeus being flayed haven't been removed.

Osama Bin Mama

2005-03-03T11:25:00.000-06:00

President Bush today stated that he believed blocking any attempt by Osama bin Laden to attack America again was “the greatest challenge of our day.” The statement came on the heels of intelligence reports linking together Bin Laden and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the top al-Qaida figure in Iraq, apparently planning new attacks inside the United States.

TKID4's memory sucks, but he does remember a few years back GWB commenting to the press that he wasn't really concerned with Bin Laden. A search for those quotes revealed these two gems from the Dubya.

"I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."
- G.W. Bush, 3/13/02

"I am truly not that concerned about him."
- G.W. Bush, repsonding to a question about bin Laden's whereabouts,
3/13/02 (The New American, 4/8/02)

Confusion reigns. To go from a non-priority to the greatest challenge America faces is a hell of a leap for a guy hiding in a cave with a motorola v-60 and a pocket Quran.

Perhaps this next google gem will assist us all. TKID4 found this interesting post about Bush and Bin Laden:

Posted by: Kidfinger
On: Sat September, 4 2004 @ 01:46 GMT
IF osama bin butt licker is captured, that will be the best News I've heard in a while, however, IM STILL NOT VOTING FOR BUSH!!!! I dont care if they bring the al pukas to thier knees, Im not going to vote for that SCHMUCK!:lol:

Truly inspiring words from the electorate.

Post script: "Kidfinger" has no connection to tkidsblog, as far as TKID4 knows.

my manservant

2005-03-02T16:16:00.000-06:00

The Supreme Court is currently wrestling over whether to allow the Ten Commandments to be posted in government buildings. Word is it's touch and go, with Sandra Day and the gang struggling mightily about stone tablet wisdom. An AP story reports that bible fans have been chanting and otherwise carrying on outside of Supreme Court HQ. One young protester, Christan Stapleton, 13, of Newland, N.C., who was carrying a homemade, hand-stapled, cardboard Ten Commandments tablet, told the AP: "We do need them in our school, to help us know what to do, what God wants us to do as we go through our day."

TKID3 agrees with this sentiment, and has just placed a printout of the Big Guy's rules in his cubicle, right next to the autographed picture of GWB. Though I'm subsequently feeling close to godly - looking good on the murder, theft and coveting of donkey tip - there are a few commandments that unfortunately seem to be a problem for this kid.

Specifically, the fourth commandment is particularly troubling. It follows:

4) Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

As the Dude might say, TKID4 cannot abide by this one. Saturday is a big day for this kid. I like to kick back, watch sports and down swill. To do that properly, my manservant, Giles, must keep extremely busy. I can't be expected to run to the fridge everytime I need another High Life. Also, watching college football is a draining experience, and requires sustenance. Therefore, Giles must keep a plate of hot wings at the ready at all times. There's no way my manservant is taking Saturday off, so this "commandment" does not apply, I'm afraid. As for my alien, he does get the day off.

Also, the whole "no gods before me" thing is a bust. Tkidblog founder and company mystic David LoPan is always calling the shots in my book. That's not negotiable.

Prophecy Club Members Only

2005-03-02T14:51:00.000-06:00

The Left Behind series has spawned an interesting Neo-Con fascist sub group called the "Prophecy Club." Membership in the Prophecy Club costs only a few bucks and an implied pledge to sacrifice any and all civil liberties for the betterment of the Republic and book sales. Left Behind founder Tim LaHaye and contributing editor Mark Hitchcock offer club members (aka "Prophies") insights into the prophecies as revealed by themselves and lesser known Biblical scholars such as Paul and Timothy.

In this week's installment, Tim and Mark lead a traditional Amero-centrist discussion for Prophies regarding why the United States is not clearly mentioned in Bible prophecy, even though it is the only remaining superpower in the world today. They offer four alternatives, none of which suggest that Paul was tripping on ergot during his magical mystery tour around the Med 2000 years ago when he wrote his hallucinations down. That actually sounds like a blast come to think of it.

Possibility 1
America will still be a powerful nation in the last days, but the Lord simply chose not to mention her specifically.

This is possible, but it seems unlikely. In Scripture, the dominant political and military power in the end times is centered in the Mediterranean and in Europe. This scriptural silence concerning America seems to indicate that by the time the tribulation period arrives, America will no longer be a major influence in the world.

I might buy this theory if not for the fact that America has too many natural and cultural resources not to remain a "major influence" in the world. What is more likely is that it will recede to a second-tier power much like 20th century United Kingdom. Still, absent a complete unilateral nuclear disarmament, the U.S. will always be a pain the world's ass.

Possibility 2
America is not mentioned specifically in Scripture because she will be destroyed by other nations. She will suffer a fall from the outside.

Those who hold this theory are quick to point to the notion that America will be crippled by a nuclear attack. However, in recent days the terrorist attacks on our nation have led some to conclude that our own freedom and technology will be the Achilles' heel that brings us down.

Alert...Alert. Civil liberties threatened. They should call this series "Civil Rights Left Behind." I would rather be brought down by my love of freedom than live under some Bible toting tyrannt. The terrorist attacks have led many people to conclude many things. I concluded the U.S. intelligence community is a friggin joke. I also concluded the capacity for public pathos in this country is limitless. Finally, I concluded that the hi-jacking of some commuter planes was foreshadowed in Matthew, 19:22 which sayeth "For there are eunuchs, that were so born from their mother's womb: and there are eunuchs, that were made eunuchs by men: and there are eunuchs, that made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it." It couldn't be any clearer people.

Possibility 3
America is not mentioned in Bible Prophecy because she will have lost her influence as result of moral and spiritual deterioration. She will suffer a fall from the inside.

As you can imagine, this is a very popular view today in light of the moral malaise we see all around us. Proponents of this view have no trouble citing alarming statistics related to drug use, alcoholism, teen pregnancy, children born out of wedlock, divorce, pornography, abortion and on and on.

Wow, that's hot. Drugs, booze, porn....this sounds like TKID3's 8th grade graduation party. I have news for the Left Behinders, America is great because of these things. For instance, the entire nation of Germany is in love with Miami Vice. And that is because, from their dens in Dresden they can watch unshaven cops duke it out with drug dealing nymphos in thongs all while countryman Jan Hammer jams it out. What an export! Until the world ceases to be facinated with America and its vices, we will rule. Something else, the marrying age when Paul was freebasing shrooms and writing this stuff was 14. Talk about teen pregnancy. It's all relative.

Possibility 4
America is not mentioned in Bible Prophecy because she is brought to her knees by the Rapture.

If the rapture were to happen today and all the true believers in Jesus Christ were whisked away to heaven in a split second, America would be devastated. It is estimated that America will lose somewhere between 25 and 65 million citizens: Christians and their small children. Not only would the country lose a minimum of 10% of her population, but she would also lose the very best, the "salt and light" of this great land (see Matthew 5:13-14).

This is the money shot. I can't imagine what America would do if we lost Oral Roberts and John Tesh. I like the estimate of "between 25 and 65 million" people. Way to know your audience Left Behinders. Could you narrow it down by a few million? Actually, the Left Behind attorneys made them phrase it this way, for fear of post-rapture lawsuits. I can see it going down in court right now.

Plaintiff: Judge, my client was told in his Prophecy Club he would be raptured.

Judge: I want to take a five minute recess while I snort this bag of cocaine, now that I missed the last rapture boat to tuna town.

Defendant: Judge, I don't have much time. I was raptured last week and was allowed to come back to make a brief appearance on behalf of my client, Mr. Left Behind. What we said was, there was a 65 percent chance he'd be raptured. It turns out he fantasizes about riding midgets bareback. That didn't go down well with the big J.C. so he didn't make the cut.

no kid left behind

2005-03-01T15:55:00.000-06:00

TKID4 picks a fine day to evangelize for the "Left Behind!" series, as today marks the 10th anniversary of the first book's publishing and the release of a new addition to the series. I too am curious about the concept of coworkers, fellow bus riders, and a minute portion of my favorite dive bar's denizens vanishing and ascending into heaven. If the 70 million "Left Behind!" readers vacated the premises, this would indeed be a better planet. But still, TKID3 wonders if getting into this heaven thing would be worth some repentance. Seriously. If the big party in the sky is going to be like one of those Promise Keeper rallies, a million mildly-obese guys crying and playing grab-ass, you can count this kid out. But, if we're talking pina coladas all day long, football on the tube and access to Euro-porn, I'd be willing to clean up my act.

With that in mind, I tracked down the "Left Behind!" website (www.leftbehind.com) to see what it takes to get beamed-up to heaven. Unfortunately, it seemed to involve chanting some sort of bible stuff, and TKID3's adult ADD procluded further reading. However, I was struck by the intriguing "military series" of "Left Behind!" books. What's up with all that? Are Navy Seal tuff guys more Godly than the rest of us? Those guys get to party in heaven because they shoot shit up in Central Asia? That hardly sounds fair. After all, if what Gen. Mattis says is true, that combat stuff is loads of fun. Just because TKID3 is too much of a sissy to get through basic training, he doesn't get to party with the virgins in heaven? Cool. I see how it is. Reminds me of high school.

Caught up in the Rapture

2005-03-01T10:57:00.000-06:00

TKID4 was flying transatlantic the other day in a fever-induced delirium. The wonderful woman in the seat next to me got up to use the bathroom, unnoticed by me. When my lucidity briefly returned, I saw she was gone, as were several other passengers across my row. My God, I thought to myself, this is it, the rapture.

By rapture I am referring to the concept that all Christians will one day be automatically teleported Star-Trek style to Heaven, while the heathens will be left behind to fight it out with Lucifer, demons, elves and the Loch Ness monster.

This rapture theory, while only 200 years old, is the central theme in the "Left Behind" series which has sold over 70 million copies since 1995. The story begins aboard an aircraft where half the passengers vaporize in a hackish way plagiaristically similar to Stephen King's "Langoliers." Then the plane lands and everyone is like, "Where the frig is everybody?" Then a sex pot politician assumes power and a band of non-believer Christians battle(s) him Beyond Thunderdome.

But let's back up. TKID4 is on the plane. People are raptured. Now I have some serious things to consider. One, will lunch still be served. Two, can I stretch across the two vacated seats next to me. Three, do we still have our pilots? The third notion was extrememly disconcerting to me, and made me think that, in addition to arming our pilots with guns, locking the cockpit doors, and employing air marshalls, we should make sure at least one of the two pilots on board are voodoo priests, in other words, unrapturable.

Once I realized the plane was under control, I thought about whether my family and friends were gone. Then I started thinking of people I knew who owned nice cars which I could "borrow" now that they were gone. I don't know anyone who owns a Porsche, which would have been cool to drive around in on decongested roads.

I thought about quitting my job or better yet taking over the corner office of my right-wing Christian conversative boss. I also thought that I might try to walk on with a professional sports team, like the Atlanta Braves, assuming they were all gone too. As I fantasized about this, my fever spiked at 102, my eyes rolled into the back of my head, and worst of all, my seat mates returned. No rapture. Just 7 more hours on board.

Mule Shit House

2005-03-01T10:05:00.000-06:00

Our friends at the horribly underfunded PBS made a terrific documentary about the 1918 Spanish Influenza, otherwise known as "Le Grippe" or the "Scheiße."

It's origins are hotly debated. TKID4 believes it started in a pseudo-hotel on the Rembrandtplein in Amsterdam where patient zero was identified as a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for the Hawaiian variety of magic mushrooms.

PBS counters with the theory that the flu was the product of a shit storm. Literally.

Fort Riley, Kansas, was a sprawling establishment housing 26,000 men and encompassing an entire camp, Camp Funston, within its 20,000 acre boundaries. Soldiers often complained about the inhospitable weather to be found at the site: bone-chilling winters and sweltering summers. And sandwiched in between these two extremes were the blinding dust storms. Within the camp were thousands of horses and mules that produced a stifling nine tons of manure each month. The accepted method of disposing of the manure was to burn it, an unpleasant task made more so by a driving wind. On Saturday, March 9, 1918, a threatening black sky forecast the coming of a significant dust storm. The dust, combining with the ash of burning manure, kicked up a stinging, stinking yellow haze. The sun was said to have gone dead black in Kansas that day.

Some, looking for a point of origin of the so-called Spanish influenza that would eventually take the lives of 600,000 Americans, point to that day in Kansas. Shortly before breakfast on Monday, March 11, the first domino would fall signaling the commencement of the first wave of the 1918 influenza. Company cook Albert Gitchell reported to the camp infirmary with complaints of a "bad cold." Right behind him came Corporal Lee W. Drake voicing similar complaints. By noon, camp surgeon Edward R. Schreiner had over 100 sick men on his hands, all apparently suffering from the same malady.

Any evidence of an influenza epidemic in the spring of 1918 was furnished by those institutions that kept a close eye on those under their watch: the military and prisons. In April and May over 500 prisoners at San Quentin in California came down with the same condition that had struck soldiers at camp Riley, as well as camps Hancock, Lewis, Sherman, Fremont, and several others. Influenza spreading amongst men living in close quarters did not particularly alarm the public health officials of the day. Little data existed at the time to indicate a sizable spread among the civilian population. Besides, the nation had bigger matters on its mind. There was a war to win.

In the spring of 1918, it appeared that America's involvement in the fight against Germany was beginning to make a difference. In March 84,000 American "dough-boys" set out for Europe; they were followed by another 118,000 the next month. Little did they know they were carrying with them a virus that would prove to be more deadly then the rifles they carried. While sailing across the Atlantic, the 15th U.S. Cavalry incurred 36 cases of influenza, resulting in six deaths. By May, the killer flu had established itself on two continents, and was still growing.

The influenza of 1918 showed no bias in its approach to the combatants in World War I: men from all sides were sickened and killed. Great Britain reported 31,000 influenza cases in June alone. The flu proved such a leveler of men that war plans were altered. Attacks that had been painstakingly planned had to be postponed due to a shortage of healthy men. By early summer, the flu extended its reach beyond the U.S. and western Europe. Numerous cases of influenza were reported in Russia, North Africa, and India. The Pacific Ocean provided no protection as influenza spread to parts of China, Japan, the Philippines, and down to New Zealand.

By July, the influenza of 1918 had left its mark globally. Tens of thousands had fallen ill and died. This first wave was a mere prelude, however, to the perilous path the flu would cut when it reappeared in full force that fall.

So the next time Joe-Kansas hog farmer runs for cover upon spotting a foreign airliner streaking across the sky for fear Osama Hussein will parachute out DB Cooper stylee onto his farm, he should pause before entering his bomb shelter/rec room and extinguish the hog shit inferno he lit earlier in the day. Those fumes could be the next biological weapon, indiscriminate of race, nationality or religion.

tastes like chicken

2005-02-28T15:45:00.000-06:00

The lack of posts on TKID's blog of late is due, in part, to a particularly virulent strain of influenza that is currently in epidemic form in the Netherlands. Shortly after landing in said country, this flu knocked down ALL of the kids. It was a rough ride, but we came out on the other side with many a thought. For one, would our lights be turned off forever when we experience a similar bout of hallucinations (brought on by fever, not fungus) in coming years as the Avian flu inevitably races around the world? It's certainly possible, as death count projections for such a pandemic range from 2 to 280 million. It might be time to do like many of those Red State idiots did on the incredibly lame "Y2K" and stock up the bomb shelter with krispy kremes and kool-aid. Even that precaution probably wouldn't help, or so say the experts. Eventually, TKID4 would need to go on a beer run, and a mullet-bedecked 7/11 clerk would surely sneeze on the case of High Life, dooming all shelter-residing kids. Oh well, TKID4 knows one thing for sure: he's going to get his kicks in before the whole shithouse goes up in flames.

Giant Squids Rock

2005-02-28T15:42:00.000-06:00

TKID4 was reading about giant squids and came across this account of a showdown between a badass squid and sperm whale:

In 1965, a Soviet whaler watched a battle between a squid and a 40 ton sperm whale. In this case neither were victorious. The strangled whale was found floating in the sea with the squid's tentacles wrapped around the whale's throat. The squid's severed head was found in the whale's stomach.

Now, this story is brought to us by lying, thieving, commie bastards. But I am hoping it is true, because this is cool. I am wondering how big that squid was to take down a 2,400,000 lb whale. Here's another story which may offer some ideas:

One night during World War II a British Admiralty trawler was lying off the Maldive Islands in the Indian Ocean. One of the crew, A. G. Starkey, was up on deck, alone, fishing, when he saw something in the water:

"As I gazed, fascinated, a circle of green light glowed in my area of illumination. This green unwinking orb I suddenly realized was an eye. The surface of the water undulated with some strange disturbance. Gradually I realized that I was gazing at almost point-black range at a huge squid." Starkey walked the length the of the ship finding the tail at one end and the tentacles at the other. The ship was over one hundred and seventy five feet long.

BTW, TKID4 loves his desk job. To hell with sailing the high seas of adventure, looking for squid and pirates. Desk jockeying is the shiznit. Throw another fax on the fire boys.

Taj Mahals of Liberty

2005-02-15T08:53:00.000-06:00

The Bush administration asked Congress on Monday to provide it with $82 billion in cashola labeled "Funding for the War on Terror."

The White House has earmarked $658 million of this figure to build a new embassy in Iraq.

TKID4 is normally stricken dumb and ignorant when GWB starts throwing millions, billions, and trillions around. But TKID4 is a recent home buyer, and $658 mil for a what is essentially a large mansion strikes me as a little high.

As a comparison, I looked to the most expensive real estate market in the world. London, UK. There was a recent sale in the most exclusive neighborhood of that city, Kensington Palace Gardens. Most of the 21 "homes" on that street were former embassies themselves.

18-19 Kensington Palace Gardens was recently sold to for 70m pounds or in American-speak $125 large ones. That made the property the world's most expensive private residential home. Here are the specs: 12-bedroom property, 20 car lot, marble imported from the same quarry that yielded the raw material for the Taj Mahal.

Now TKID4 is guessing that, while the U.S. embassy in Baghdad needs to be slightly bigger than the Kensington manner, it also could probably be built with lesser quality materials. In addition, the Baghdad lot probably costs 1/100th that of its fish n' chips counterpart.

So where is the $658 million figure coming from? TKID4 wonders what type of mark-up the American contractors who are going to construct this 8th wonder of the modern world will get when all is done.

Over 3.5 million people in the U.S. experience homelessness each year. TKID4 does feel the pain of Halliburton executives whose yearly bonuses ride on the outcome of the Baghdad embassy contract. But why don't we just renovate one of Saddam's old palaces for $100 million. Then we can take $538 million and provide micro-credit and zero-interest home loans to families who desperately need to get out from under the boot heels of their usurious land lords to start building equity and a life. At the very least, the money could go towards renovating the wholly inadequate public homeless shelter facilities across the U.S.

TKID4 believes that before Ambassador Worthington-Penfield-Scott Key gets his ivory handled bathroom taps in his new embassy in Iraq, Jane Smith and her six children should be able to move out of their sub-zero Buick LaSabre parked under a I-75 overpass in central Michigan and into a heated shelter.

Bar Maiden 1, International News Organizations 0

2005-02-11T15:39:00.000-06:00

38-year-old Patricia Pokriots pulled the Rosie Ruiz of 2005 when she like, totally lied and stuff about witnessing a newborn being thrown from a moving car. Turns out, she was the baby's mother and concocted the story as a way to abandon the child and conceal her pregnancy from her family.

She was described by news sources as a barmaid who had an arrest record including an aggravated battery charge.

Arthur Miller is somewhere smiling about this.

unsung heroes

2005-02-11T14:43:00.000-06:00

The other day, when TKID2 was parking his little sissy Toyota Tercel (it's red), he tapped the bumper of a mercedes - a slick ride indeed. While looking around in panic to see if anyone witnessed the minor collision, my fear was stoked by a bumper sticker I glimpsed on the Mercedes that read "licensed terrorist hunter." Fortunately, the owner wasn't around, so I was spared the inevitable ass-whupping from the tough guy who owned the Mercedes. It got me to thinking, however, if there are genuine terrorist hunters - real American heroes - living, driving and surviving in my rundown neighborhood, are they getting the thanks they deserve? I've never been attacked by a terrorist, and I probably have this guy to thank. What do I do in return? Nothing, other than bump his car.

Today, TKID2 will tilt his glass in a toast to these unnamed, gallant heroes. Bravo, I say. So too to the brave, and equally faceless bloggers who everyday fight for our rights as consumers of unfiltered news. For example, soldier/blogger Kevin Craver at Rathergate.com - whom I like to refer to as "Gunny" - who spends several minutes each day brilliantly documenting the sins of left wing bureaucrats at CNN and CBS, what thanks does he get? Again, nothing, other than a few pats on the back in the comments section of his blog. That's flat-out wrong. Gunny Craver is a grunt in the front lines of a desperate battle for nothing less than the American way of life. To right this wrong, TKID2 is taking up a collection. Please send your credit card number to our CFO, David Lopan, at david_lopan@hotmail.com, and we'll see to it that Craver and other real American blog heroes get the reward they deserve for their endless toils.

Epitaphs

2005-02-11T09:58:00.000-06:00

Arthur Miller died today. When someone of his fame passes, it is usually front page news. His obit is sharing that page with dramatic headlines from around the world, sort of. It got TKID4 thinking about the coolest front page in history to have your obit mentioned on. For instance, here were today's headlines, along with news of the demise of Arthur Miller:

Insurgents Attack Bakery and Mosque
Abbas Heads to Gaza to Confront Militants
U.S. Refuses One-On-One North Korea Talks
Playwright Arthur Miller Dies at 89
Ailing Democrats Put Their Faith in Dr. Dean
Newborn Tossed from Car Survives
California Considers Ban On Pet Cosmetic Surgery

Here's the way TKID4 envisions the front page on the morning following his untimely and somewhat seedy demise:

Un-Cut Hitler Sex Video Broadcast During Super Bowl Halftime Show
UFO's Encircle Earth, Offer Free Rides to all "Hot Chicks"
Jim Morrison Found Living in Vermont Home Crawlspace
Brad Pitt Gives Birth to Twins
JFK Assassin Revealed: Pete Rose
TKID4 Dies After Marathon Sex Session with Rockettes Aboard International Space Station
New England Journal of Medicine: Mormons Cause Cancer

Tkid's Blog Authorship Revealed

2005-02-10T09:29:00.000-06:00

TKID4, an aspiring investigative journalist, rocked the blogger world today with his announcement that fellow conservative blogger and founder of Tkid's Blog, TKID3 was in actuality a hermaphroditic troll plant of the liberal elite. According to anonymous sources, TKID3 is none other than socialist sympathizer and billionaire Arthur Billingsley. Mr. Billinsgley has not been seen in public since the late 1970's when it was rumored he underwent a botched surgery to remove one or more of his six separate sexual organs he maintained.

When Billingsley was seen in public decades ago, it was with great difficulty, as his 4'1" frame was easily missed. Friends and family said Billingsley would have to resort to biting and scratching at the knee caps of pedestrians to insure his safe transit along the busy Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia streets where he grew up and ultimately earned his fortune.

Billingsley moved to Washington, DC in the early 1960's, whereupon he became a spokesman for the U.S. Department of State. Critics labeled him obtuse and evasive, especially at press conferences, where he would at times feign microphone technical problems to avoid answering tough questions. He was also accused of neglecting his duties in favor of lunch dates and was once reprimanded for attempting to bribe a foreign service exam proctor.

TKID4's stunning accusations are bolstered by the following web site registration data uncovered during an investigation into the true identity of TKID3.

Domain Name: tkidblog.blogspot.com
Registrar: Arthur Billingsley Kent-Davies AKA TKID3
Whois Server: trollslife.troll
Referral URL: http://ihavebothtypesofgenitalia.org/troll
Name Server: WSC1.JOMAX.NET
Name Server: WSC2.JOMAX.NET
Status: REGISTRAR-LOCK
Updated Date: 03-feb-2005
Creation Date: 29-dec-2004
Expiration Date: 08-jul-2009

TKID3 has not posted any additional material on his blog since this story first broke. An unnamed source within the Malaysian government stated that Billingsley is aware of the accusations and may participate in an unprecedented public press conference to refute TKID4's claims.

Developing....

I'm taking my nukes and going home

2005-02-10T09:15:00.000-06:00

North Korea announced today for the first time that it had nuclear arms and rejected the Bush Administration's attempts to restart disarmament.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry issued a statement: “We ... have manufactured nukes for self-defense to cope with the Bush administration’s ever more undisguised policy to isolate and stifle the (North).”

Condi Rice replied later in the day, “We have for some time taken account of the capability of the North Koreans to perhaps have a few nuclear weapons,” Rice said.

Rice also assured the North Koreans that the United States had no intention of attacking or invading the country. That's good for U.S. troops some observers say, who may find it difficult to wage war in North Korea while nuclear bombs are exploding on them.

Since 2003, the United States, North and South Korea, China, Japan and Russia have held a series of in Beijing, China to try and persuade North Korea to abandon its nuclear weapons program.

On Thursday, North Korea said it decided not to rejoin any future talks after Rice labeled North Korea an “outpost of tyranny.”

This pronoucement affirmed Bush’s labeling of North Korea several years ago as a partner in the “axis of evil” with Iran and Iraq.

Indiana Jones and the Tower of Babel

2005-02-09T18:32:00.000-06:00

Harrison Ford is slated to star in the $50 million Hollywood epic film, The Taking of Fallujah, a U.S. Marine Corps unit's account of the fall of the Iraqi city several months back.

Ford will be playing none other than Lt. General Mattis, who commanded the forces which ultimately took the embattled "Fortress Fallujah."

The casting of Ford is not without controversy. Many citizens feel that Ford's anti-war stance does not jive with the rough and ready/blood and guts attitude of Gen. Mattis. In particular, the forces at "blackfive" are calling for Ford to withdraw from the filming field, with honor.

http://www.blackfive.net/main/2004/12/note_to_harriso.html

It was also announced today that a $200 million film is currently being shot in the deserts of Tanis. Entitled, The Making of the Taking of Fallujah, the film will explore the controversy surrounding the casting of Harrison Ford in the role of Lt. General Mattis for the film The Taking of Fallujah. It is rumored that the role of Ford is being played by Sean Penn.

Up close and anti-personnel

2005-02-09T13:25:00.000-06:00

Be sure to click on the high resolution .JPG file for Lt. General "Mad Dog" Mattis. TKID4 just got a clean copy for future enshrinement above his mantle, right next to the stuffed 10-point and his bullet-riddled American flag. You see, he's into the starched collar type.

http://www.usmc.mil/genbios2.nsf/0/35E4CF7347323B108525680800620EED?opendocument

a fallen warrior

2005-02-09T09:25:00.000-06:00

One of our fellow brave bloggers engaged in the war on mainstream media bias has gone silent. Jeff Gannon (an alias), a DC-based reporter for www.talonnews.com, quit last night after salacious details about his personal life were revealed. We've long been impressed that Gannon, who admits to using a fake name, was able to wrangle White House press passes despite the fact that he writes for a blog, one that is supported by an avowed Texas Republican activist. White House spokesman Scott McClellan recently admitted that no other members of the blogosphere have been given access to White House press conferences. For the last two years, Gannon has asked McClellan and President Bush himself many questions/comments with a conservative tilt. Bush and co. were often able to use Gannon to steer clear of tough questions from the boring old "real" journalists.

Gannon came under fire for lobbing a softball question at President Bush, in which he took a shot at Democrats, during a recent, nationally-televised press conference. In the ensuing heat, Gannon was outed as James Guckert, a shadowy character who hosts several websites with gay themes (hotmilitarystud.com) and seeming connections to male prostitution. For a summary, see media citizen's story.

The bad guys even dug-up a hot photo of Gannon/Guckert.

Claiming the need to protect his family, Gannon quit last night.

God speed, Jeff/James. We are outraged that just because you had a false identity and a covert, swinging night life, and regularly took shots at gays despite your own apparent orientation, they took away your right to chew-up large chunks of time during rare Bush press conferences. You fought a good fight, but the powers of darkness are too strong. We'll miss you. Love, TKID4

G.I. Craver, Real American Tourister

2005-02-08T13:54:00.000-06:00

Following the tuff guy comments of talking head blogger Kevin Craver, made in support of Gen. Mattis, TKID4 decided to review Mr. Craver’s war record. Anyone with the guts and machismo displayed by Mr. Craver in his article surely cultivated those traits on the battlefields of Fallujah, Tikrit or Mosul. Here's what TKID4 discovered:

In January of 2002, Kevin was planning to visit his brothers in Washington, DC, and Princeton, NJ, when his U.S. Army National Guard Unit, based in Aurora, IL, was called up for deployment. The assignment: An eight-month tour of duty in Europe.

His vacation plans shattered, he reported to training for his deployment.

Craver lamented, “Instead, that whole week was a drill. I had to get my shots and get my paperwork in order to show who gets money if I get blown into a million pieces.”

He was now a member of Charlie Company, First Battalion, 178th Infantry, part of the U.S. Army 66th Brigade. According to Craver, he and his company were “trouble shooters,” adding “We find trouble and we shoot it. We’re the guys that do the dirty work. We make wars as personal as a punch in the face.”

Before deployment, Craver was commended for his heroism displayed during war games staged in the Mojave Desert. He discussed the training. “We got dropped off in the wrong place under attack,” Craver said. “We had to be on top of a hill at a certain time for this attack. These guys humped nine kilometers. We took a hill under fire...Our CO got a standing ovation from the regular Army guys.”

War-Torn Europe

Craver was based out of Heidelberg, Germany. He and his comrades were always on alert however, and were told they could deployed anywhere in Europe at anytime. At the time, he felt his mission in Europe would involve security and counter terrorism.
“Security is an active kind of job such as search and seizure or rapid reaction teams,” he said.

While stationed in Heidelberg, Kevin sent this heart-wrenching email to a more civilized place, his home in the States:

From: Kevin Craver
Date: Fri, Jun 21, 2002, 9:00am (CDT+7)
Hey, all:
Again, sorry about not dropping a line sooner. I received your package -- thanks for the re-supply of gumballs. I've restarted the annoying habit of chewing my fingernails to shreds, unfortunately. I went about two months without doing it. Nothing much to report here aside from the usual day-to-day craziness. Actually, one guy got moved because they thought he was indeed going crazy (that and he kept punching people out over an extremely ugly female PFC), but no other section 8s.

I'll be heading to Normandy in a week, marking my third trip to France (after Paris and Strasbourg). But in a month or so we'll be heading home, on or about early August we'll be released, barring any kind of catastrophe. It's time to go again. I'm not blowing you folks off, but aside from small trips, this job is really not worth reporting about. I'll catch you guys later,

- K

Second Deployment

Craver had just returned from Europe, having displayed incredible sightseeing bravery among the battlefields of Verdun, Omaha Beach, and the Somme when news came that he was to be re-deployed.

This time, the assignment would be even tougher. He was going to a third world shit hole: Louisiana.

His unit was based in the backwoods of central Louisiana, at the Joint Readiness Training Center at Fort Polk, LA. It was here that Craver trained fellow troops for duty in Iraq.

The men and women in Craver's unit played the "bad guys," AKA the Iraqi insurgents. Troops simulated life and death in Iraq nonstop over five days. Dramatic photos of life at Fort Polk can be seen here:

http://www.nwherald.com/ExtraSection/289940252439255.php

(WARNING: Contains graphic scenes of fake blood)

Next Deployment

The Future for Mr. Craver is unclear. There appears to be no standing down for the U.S. military at present in Iraq or Afghanistan. As Carver learned in Europe, nothing is for certain in the Army. One day you may be sun bathing on a Normandy beach, the next day, sampling wines in a Parisian Bistro. But one thing is for certain, wherever he goes, TKID4 knows Craver will have Internet access and a story to tell.

Army girls gone wild

2005-02-08T09:59:00.000-06:00

By now, most everybody has heard about the pics the New York Daily News ran of the mudwrestling party thrown by U.S. troops at Camp Bucca, a prison camp in Southern Iraq at which four Iraqi detainees were recently shot to death in a riot. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4244421.stm

The saucy mud tussle, which featured thong and bra clad Army babes, reminds TKID4 of that great mudwrestling scene in "Stripes." Needless to say, we here at TKid's Blog wholeheartedly approve of this sort of exhuberance among our fighting women (not so much among our fighting men).

However, the mudwrestling bash raises concerns about the recent tough-guy talk by Gen. James Mattis (featured earlier on this site), who said he enjoys shooting people and "brawling." We worry, is this the sort of brawling Gen. Mattis loves? We hate to picture the wrinkled general rolling around in a g-string.

On a related note, one of our fellow blogs, the liberal-media bias bashers at www.rathergate.com, brilliantly stepped-up to defend Gen. Mattis. http://www.rathergate.com/index.php?p=552

Here's some of what they had to say:

"For the record, this soldier stands with Gen. James Mattis – if I am in a war zone and some Afghan wife-beater or a member of the Taliban’s misogynistic 'morality police' try to take me out, I too would take pleasure in popping them a new navel right between the eyes.

Any MSM journalist who would not feel some sense of justice or pleasure killing, say, one of the animals who declared war on this nation on Sept. 11, 2001, is beneath my contempt.

Sorry I’m in such an ass-kicking mood. I’ve been training all day today on weapons systems – the .50-caliber machine gun, squad automatic weapon, M9 pistol, Mk19 automatic grenade launcher – and it’s not even noon. This afternoon I certify on calling in artillery fire. Yeah!!

Gen. Mattis, if you want an embedded journalist who isn’t a dumbass, give me a call."

I found these brave words not only inspiring, but breathtakingly eloquent. In fact, I'm so proud reading this passage that I'm currently shedding tears onto my keyboard. We're with you. Go get 'em! Here's to spreading liberty and freedom and the American Way! And if they won't take it, third-eye them! HooAhhhahh!

Meat Axe to Grind

2005-02-06T09:56:00.000-06:00

VP Dick Cheney's bed side manner has served that terminally ill patient known as the "little guy" with candor and strength. He didn't pull any punches today when he announced that the adminstration would cut or eliminate 150 federal programs in the new budget, but added, the budget was not prepared with a "meat ax."

"We are being tight," Cheney said. "This is the tightest budget that has been submitted since we got here."

The good news: There are plenty of increases for military and homeland security.

The bad news: The budget seeks savings from about 150 programs, including environmental protection, American Indian schools, Medicaid, and the federal-state health program for the poor and disabled as well as Amtrak.

Cheney stated on Sunday, "It's not something we've done with a meat ax, nor are we suddenly turning our back on the most needy people in our society."

Tell that to the one legged-ricketts stricken Sioux indian child who has to hop to his underfunded school through a cloud of acid rain b/c the train service was cut, Dick.

"I think you'll find once people sit down and have a chance to look at the budget that it is (a) fair, reasonable, responsible, serious piece of effort," Cheney said.

It's a serious piece of something.

Pennies from Heaven

2005-02-06T08:42:00.000-06:00

TKID4 has big news. He just won a Scientific Game Promo Lottery!!! That's right, I'm rich biatches!!! Don't believe me huh? Typical. Well just read the following email I got, suckas....

AWED INTERNATIONAL LOTTO.BV PROMO/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT.
ADDRESS: KRUISLAAN 408, 1098 SJ, AMSTERDAM - THE NETHERLANDS.
REF: AIL/7585021-47/03
BATCH: 3879/75937467/HM
ATTENTION:
RE / AWARD NOTIFICATION / PROCESSING ADVICE: AL
We are pleased to inform you of the announcement today, 4th February, 2005 of winners of the SCIENTIFIC GAME PROMO LOTTERY; THE NETHERLANDS /
INTERNATIONAL, PROGRAMS held on 9th April,2004. Your email address
attached to ticket number 89-02897893, with serial number 95020 drew the lucky numbers 14-21-33-42-49-63, and consequently won the lottery in the 1st category. You have therefore been approved of a lump sum pay out of US$500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE DOLLARS) in credited to file REF NO. AIL/7585021-47/03. This is from total prize money of US$2,500,000.00 shared among the international winners in our 1st -5th categories. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn form 25,000 company email addresses and 30,000,000 individual email addresses from Australia, New Zealand, America, Europe, North America and Asia as part of International Promotions Program, which is conducted annually. CONGRATULATIONS! Your fund is now in custody of a financial Security company insured in your FILE REFERENCE. Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this award strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants of this program. This lottery program was promoted by our group of philanthropist headed by Mr. Bill Gates. We hope with part of your prize, you will participate in our end of year high stakes US$10,000,000 million Dollars International Lottery.
To begin your claim, please contact your file/claim officer:
MR. PAUL ANDRAS,of AWED INTERNATIONAL LOTTO.BV
(AMSTERDAM - THE NETHERLANDS).
On TEL: 0031-.620-677-376 Fax: 0031-206964994
Please be informed that NON RESIDENCE of THE NETHERLANDS will be required to procure an Affidavit of lotto claim papers/Court clearance certificate from the Court prior to award payment policy of the Gaming Board of Netherland and required by the paying Financial Security Company.
Please be aware that your Paying Authority will Effect Payment Swiftly upon satisfactory Report, Verifications and validation provided by this
processing Agent. For due processing and remittance of your winning prize to designated account of your choice, please treat as urgent.
Remember, all prize money must be claimed not later than 20th April, 2005. After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delay and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers in every one of your
correspondences with your agent. Furthermore, should there be any change of your address, do inform your claims agent as soon as possible.
PLEASE NOTE THAT EVERY REPLY SHOULD BE SENT AS AN E-MAIL ATTACHMENT TO ENHANCE ELIGIBLE VIEW.
Congratulations once again from our team of staff and thank you for being part of our promotional program. Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is AUTOMATICALY DISQUALIFIED.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Ann Robert
(Lottery Coordinator

There it is. My ticket to financial freedom. Needless to say, I just went ahead and bought a plane ticket to Amsterdam, leaving in 10 days. Also, I called Mr. Paul Andras, who was referenced in my prize email. He was a very nice gentleman. I couldn't make out much of what he said, but I was able to understand that I was to overnight express mail a copy of my passport, last bank statement, and blood type to his Amsterdam offices for prize verification. It's just my luck the kinkos next door to me was fire bombed last night, so I will have to get that out to him on Monday.

Paul blessed my family and said we would have a fortuitous and lasting partnership. Sounds good to me. He also said if anyone else was interested, there was extra prize money that needed to be awarded. All we need to do is send a Western Union money order of $10,000 for processing and license fees.

I am very excited to meet Paul and his wife, Baku Baku. She apparently is Dutch/Russian and very attractive. Paul said we could all party after I handed over to him my passport and AMEX travelers checks amounting to no less than $5,000 US.

I almost forgot, some jerk warned me that this might be a scam. Well for you jealous critics, read the email above. This prize is sponsored by one Mr. Bill Gates. He wouldn't put his name on anything that wasn't above board. Cheers everyone. Wish me luck.

TKID2

Fish and Broken Hips

2005-02-05T10:07:00.000-06:00

Tony Blair created a committee to review the incredible failings of the British Intelligence services regarding Iraq's alleged possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction. The committee was charged with investigating "the accuracy of intelligence on Iraqi WMD up to March 2003, and to examine any discrepancies between the intelligence gathered, evaluated and used by the Government before the conflict, and between that intelligence and what has been discovered by the Iraq Survey Group since the end of the conflict."

TKID4 gave Tone-Loc credit at the time for bringing transparency to the British Government. Then he saw a photo of the committee.

http://www.butlerreview.org.uk/index.asp

Why does this look more like a middle-aged Brit swingers convention locked out of their rooms at Fawlty Towers than a top level oversight panel? Two of the guys look to have died under the PM Wilson administration, but nobody told them. Then there is the stereotypical brit with the biggest goddamn eyebrows in the world, not to mention he's a dead ringer for Ed Asner.

TKID4 knows better than to judge a man by his looks or pulse rate. So he reviewed the committee member bios. Here is a sampling:

Rt Hon The Lord Butler of Brockwell, KG., GCB., CVO.

Lord Butler of Brockwell became Master of University College, Oxford following his retirement as Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service in January 1998. Born in 1938, he was educated at Harrow School and University College, Oxford, where he read Greats and played rugby for the University.

In 1961 he joined the Treasury where he served as Private Secretary to the Financial Secretary in 1964 and Secretary of the Budget Committee from 1965 to 1969. He was a Private Secretary to the Prime Minister, Mr. Edward Heath from 1972 to 1974, and Mr Harold Wilson from 1974 to 1975. In 1975 he returned to the Treasury as an Assistant Secretary, and then became Principal Private Secretary to the Prime Minister, Mrs. Margaret Thatcher from 1982 to 1985. In 1988 he was appointed as Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service.

He was knighted (KCB) in 1988, and became GCB in 1992. In 1998 he was created a Life Peer and in 2003 he was awarded the Knight of the Garter (KG). In 1999 he was a member of the Royal Commission on Reform of the House of Lords.

Lord Butler, who is married with three children, has just finished many years as Chairman of the Governors of Dulwich College. His leisure activities include golf and such other competitive games as he can still manage.

First of all, what is with all the titles? KCB, KG, CVO...What does a guy in the Americas have to do to get a groovy set of titles like that?

TKID don't see much experience with weapons, paramilitary operations, Islam, middle eastern languages, comparative politics, or electronic warfare. But the "right honourable Lord" did play rugby in the 50's and "can still manage" to play golf. Thank St. George for that.

TKID knows we all feel safer knowing Lord Butler is on the case. Keep in mind he is the committee chair, so take my word for it, the other members qualifications go downhill from here.

But wait, TKID should hold his opinions until all the intelligence...errr...facts are in. Lord Butler agrees, and has asked each one of us to answer the call and provide his committee, c/o the Greater London Geriatric and Cadavor Drop-Off Clinic, all the top secret clandestine Iraqi WMD program intelligence we have. So, in addition to "taking oral evidence from a number of witnesses at its own invitation" the committee "invites anyone who has information that might assist it in considering its remit to submit evidence by 31 March 2004." TKID2 told me he just went through his pile of late 90's skin mags. He didnt turn up any sarin gas.

Anyways, we missed the deadline. TKID4 might as well shelve this photo of Saddam riding an anthrax-tipped scud bare back. Lord Butler's deadlines must be kept to.

Media queries relating to the Butler Review should be directed to Cabinet Office Press Office, telephone 020 7276 0436/0174. Ask for Lord Butler directly. Or his embalmer.

Tuff Guys

2005-02-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

The Marine Corps issued an apology of sorts today for the comments of one of its own. Lt. Gen. James Mattis, a former commander of the First Marine Division was holding an impromptu discussion about the war in Afghanistan at a recent conference of defense contractors in California and remarked, "You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil ... you know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them."

In response, the commandant of the Marine Corps, Gen. Michael Hagee, issued a written statement wherein he praised Lt. Gen. James Mattis' military service and said that Mattis was only discussing the "unfortunate and harsh realities of war."

Mattis added, "Actually, it's a lot of fun to fight. You know it's a hell of a hoot. I like brawling."

TKID2 is glad to see that someone in the military finally has the balls to tell it like it is. Frankly, we need more testosterone-injected moronic rants from our Lt. Generals in charge of combat operations overseas.

I searched for some quotes from some other U.S. Generals and ran across one from U.S. Grant.

"It has been my misfortune to be engaged in more battles than any other general on the other side of the Atlantic; but there was never a time during my command when I would not have chosen some settlement by reason rather than the sword."

What a bunch of pansy crap. You know what Lt. General Mattis would say about this. Probably something like, "Guns good go boom...veil-heads...kill now...hoot hoot..hoot."

Semper Stultus